Sweeney Todd (musical)
- This article refers to the musical Sweeney Todd. For the founder of the popular 1970s luxury salon-restaurant Demonic Barbershop franchise, see Sweeney Todd.
“It's motherfucking Weeney Toad. With a capital "T". Retard.”
“A Broadway musical about a barber that kills people and bakes them into meat pies is bound to be exciting! Even more exciting when Weeney is bound.”
“Excuse me while I go sing a love song to my daughter.”
Weeney Toad The pubic barber of fleet street, is an off-off-off-off-off Broadway musical made in the year 2012. It originally featured many people dressed up like cats, with flamboyant costumes and hair that is borderline plumage.
It did not go well, especially as the crowd booed and started huffing kittens the cats that they snuck into the theatre, since NO ONE wants to pay 5 dollars for a diet coke. I mean, what's the deal with that!?! COME ON!
Ironically enough, the shows second act would have been the first usage of kitten huffing as audience participation, and would have definitely caught on to all of Broadway, if the audience had only spent a little more time Stretching their kittens.
The Menace Begins
Weeney Toad was born Benjamin Barker. As a young man, he found work as a barber and married a classy, well adjusted, proper young woman named Lucy, who had yellow hair. What he did not know was that Lucy was engaged in a passionate affair with one Josiah Turpin, a local judge. Turpin had been upset because he had gotten turned down by his childhood love. He decided to do the natural thing, and start raping married women named Lucy with yellow hair. When she fell pregnant, she refused to tell her husband that the baby was possibly the Judge's. (It could have been any of the other few hundred thousand men living in London/Britain/Europe, considering her "reputation" as a good "housewife" that liked to "cook".)
About a year after the birth of baby Johanna (who, in fact, ended up being black), Barker was consumed by jealousy and went to kidnap the baby back from the Judge, who had Barker exiled to Australia. Lucy suffered a bout of amnesia shortly after Barker's exile due to "cooking" too much and became a respected woman in society. Johanna, however, grew up happy, well taught, and well-cared-for in the care of the Judge, despite his occasional games that he loved to play with her.
Barker changed his name in prison to Weeney Toad and escaped for many years of hard labor to London after a many-year absence. He encountered Mrs. Huffit, a pie maker under his shop who was suffering a surplus of pies. She told him that his Wife was dead and that the daughter had been raised by the Judge. Mrs. Huffit is a lousy mother fucker who didn't have the fucking know-how on how to make fucking meat pies. Toad then decided he would have the best possible revenge on Turpin: a successful business.
Meanwhile, Lady Turpin was beginning to recognize Toad, although she didn't know why, and a young sailor named Anthony was planning on stealing Johanna from the Judge. Johanna, meanwhile, seemed to take right after her mother back in the good ol' days. FUCK
The Demon Barber Plies His Trade
Unfortunately, Todd's barbershop wasn't nearly as successful as he had hoped. Mrs. Huffit devised a fiendish solution that would also help her situation: through dark and dangerous work, they would use excess pie meat to build customers for Weeney's shop. This worked brilliantly. Then one day Anthony attempted to press-gang some of Weeney's customers into the British Navy, but realised they failed to live up to the high standards imposed regarding personal cleanliness, literacy, dental hygiene, cannibalism, etc. That's to say they succeeded in eating Anthony before moving on to other sailors, beggars, members of the Royal Family, etc., causing the Good People of London to get out the torches and hunt them down.
While a fascinating story, the best part of the play is when the Judge obsesses over his wife's daughter's fantastic bum. . . repeatedly. He was quoted saying, "Bum bum bum bum bum bum bumbabum bum bum, bum bum bum bumbabum bum bum, bum bum bum bumbabum bum bum."
Lady Turpin left the Judge, and soon recognized Toad and told him of all the delightful sex she'd had with the Judge over the years.
Johanna became an agoraphobe, terrified of leaving the Judge's house. They became involved in a rather lusty, rather illegal sexual relationship. Once found out, Johanna and the Judge fled to a small country somewhere in South America where they went on to continue engaging in erotic sexual activities -- occasionally involving the wild monkeys that lived in the trees near by. Johanna and he Judge had about eight children, she also gave birth to nine half-human-half-ape children (giving way to a step down the evolutionary ladder), and Judge Turpin sired about twenty-three ape-children himself.