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Examples of modern swords
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Sword.


The sword is a long and pointy object with several uses: swallowing, waving around the head while roaring, sitting on with a pained expression on the face, stabbing people and holding together a delicious sandvich. Known to the ancient Greeks as Bread Kutte (Βρεαδ Κυττη [which, (for the linguistically curious of you) is pronounced as 'Breh-ah-th Kut-tng' when spelled out in readable letters]). These long and pointy objects were first used during the Napoleonic Pancake Wars of 1132 BCE.

Swords are also carnivorous mammals, and need to regularly consume flesh and/or blood to stay at their highest effectiveness. Certain swords have gone beyond this level and they are exalted to the point (heh heh, get it, point) to eating other swords. See Sephiroth.

Swords have improved over the years, but have, however, never beaten their greatest competitor, the pen, which has remained to this day, far mightier. Newer and more modern techniques of swordsmithing have allowed them to start slicing more then just bread. The invention of steel improved the durability of these weapons, as they were previously forged from yarn, peanut-brittle, or cardboard covered in tin foil. Steel also allowed them to cut into Fruitcake more effectively.

The invention of the crossguard was perhaps the greatest improvement to the swords design. Not that it protected the user's fingers during combat, but because you could then use the sword to hang your helmet and lunch bag on while you used the latrine. Having to take either your helmet or lunch bag into the latrine with you was a particular annoyance among sword-wielding people.

The ginzu knife made swords obsolete during the Can Invasion of 1993. The ginvu knives could cut right through cans in seconds, while it took swords several minutes to do the same thing. Now swords are only commonly used as coatracks, and poor ones at that.


Besides its amazing bread cutting properties, swords have finally been shown to cut through grue flesh. However, because of the very nature of grue, you are probably already half-eaten by the time you realize a grue is even there, so this particular advantage of the sword is often overlooked. Swords can be swallowed by persons with a keen interest in gastro-phallic relations who also happen to posses a limber esophagus. Although ineffective against some things it is effectives against humans, animals, plants, demons (so long as its a Holy Sword or something), vampires (again, Holy Sword or while they're sleeping) and people with a gun with no bullets. If they have bullets use a gun.

Swords are also often considered the best way to rid one of a back itch.


Unless one is a vampire, the sword is usually an ineffective weapon against the traditional zombie or general undead minion. For those jobs a shotgun or chainsaw is a general first pick weapon. Also, against Jedi or ninjas the sword is inferior due to the pure ownage of lightsaber (or even heavysaber) and bare hands . However, as an all around weapon the sword still manages to whoop total ass in comparison to the less-effective gay rubber chicken and limp man's wet noodle.

Swords are also terribly ineffective against guns. Any dumbass that pulls a sword in a fight will likely be shot repeatedly until dead, then the shooter will reload and call the police and shoot the deceased some more. Long story short: Always bring a gun to a sword fight. But it should be noted, although swords are ineffective against guns (and especially tanks), they are somewhat effective against the guy holding the gun. Especially if they are bread-based.

General Advice[edit]

When using a sword it is advised not to stick it through ones head as that will (as known to the state of California) kill you. It is also not the best tool for picking of ones teeth or the cleaning of one's armpits. And remember, Never bring a sword to a gunfight and those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


I'm sure you'll agree with me that the last person to edit this was a jerk, and a disgrace to humanity for creating such a terrible article (the one in the box) on the subject of swords, especially as Oscar Wilde was reported as saying "Swords deserve more respect than a large flaming pig heading in your direction". I therefore have decided to enlighten the world as a whole on the subject of swords.

The Physical Sword[edit]

I'm sure you're all aware just how pointy some swords can be, foils (the really thin sheets of metal you wrap food in) especially. If you didn't already know that, you're a bit of a fool. Swords can be really pointy, just so you know. Agreed (that's right, I'm agreeing with the above jerk, but only on this one thing), swords can be used for stabbing, but, generally speaking, their primary use is for cleaving limbs/heads etc. and cutting ropes to drop a chandelier. This is why the generic sword has sharp edges, all the better for cutting through flesh/sinew/bone/nylon with. This sharp edge is usually sharpened by scraping the sword against a conveniently placed stone for a few seconds, which gives an edge sharp enough to cut through even the toughest thighbone.

Another (un)important part of the Physical Sword is the handle. This tends to be added to the base of sword for the user to grip. This is even though there is a perfectly good piece of metal at the base of the sword, and the handle adds extra weight. (It's as if people don't want their fingers slashed. Why the fuck not? Eejits.) This handle is usually decorated with shiny things that make the user feel more important.

It is also a pointy town on the outskirts of a rubbish tip in Ireland.

The Psychological Sword[edit]

You may already be familiar with the physical properties of a sword, but I'm sure not many of you know that a sword also has thoughts and a wide variety of emotions, such as anger, rage, wrath, fury, choler, and hatred. The typical sword tends to think about killing, maiming, death, harming, euthanasia and butterflies, because butterflies rock.

The Historical Sword[edit]

"You've got to be kidding me." - King Arthur

Swords have had a good time through history, coming into existence millennia before the primates, living fairly peacefully and having a great time killing cute deer and other woodland animals, and then embedding itself in a tree for the night (they're scared of the dark). Then the monkeys started to find them. At first they were scared, but then they learned the thrill of being swiped through the air and hacking off the head of a buffalo. So they formed an allegiance with the monkeys, that the swords would help them make the dinosaurs extinct if the monkeys used only swords to kill the dinosaurs. And so World War 0.5 began, with the monkeys slowly but surely exterminating all dinosaurs all across Pangaea, the super continent created by the great volcano eruption of 1483. Soon all but a few of the dinosaurs had been killed, the rest wandering the plains of Pangaea, looking for any stranded monkeys they could maim. In 1574 The Asteroid hit, causing the mass extinction of July 1574, leaving only a few amoeba, from which all life today is descended, and a single sword. The lone sword lay on the scorched, barren earth and thought to himself 'what the fuck was that?'. He looked at the carnage around him and proceeded to create more swords using the method now only known to a handful of swords (not me, how the hell am I meant to know about sword reproduction?)

In 1883 the first humans appeared and started to use the swords almost immediately to kill prey and other people in increasingly imaginative ways. In 1908 the first 'sword-swallowing' was performed, a horribly cruel act in which the sword is subjected to a torturous act of being placed down somebody's throat. If the sword is lucky, it'll be able to slice the person open from the inside, so escaping and killing a magician (a guy who does magic) in the process (we all know magicians are the source of all evil, why else would the keep rabbits and doves in their hats, and pull ribbons from their mouths, and make things disappear, and cut people in half, then put them back together again WHILE WE CAN'T SEE THEM? Plus they never ever ever talk, not even to say hello. Have you ever seen a magician talk? I THOUGHT NOT!) In 1926 the Sword Community performed a massive favour to humankind by forming an alliance with Margaret Thatcher and covertly slicing Adolf Hitler's head off in the middle of a press conference, at which point all the people in the front row picked up the headless corpse and paraded it around Washington DC, where the conference was being held.

The Sword Of Justice[edit]

The sword of justice is seen as a holy blade, used by red heads to slay dragons on the weekends with syncronized mouse clicks, though this has expanded to weekdays in some countries like Australia and Canada. The prime wielder of the sword is an unknown australian red head. Although it is known that there is a 90% probability he is homosexual.



The sword is a known carrier of the Decapitation Disease virus.

“Welcome to Corneria!”

~ Some Castle Guard on Swords

“I like them!”

~Fighter on Swords

S.uper W.eird O.orgasems R.unning D.etroit

The Sword in the Modern World[edit]

Those who think that the sword is no match for the gun are ignorant fools and deserve to be stabbed.

Some examples of guns defeating the sword in service include:

  • Jesus and Moses used guns to conquer the Romans
  • The grim Reaper Trading in his trusty Sythe for a more trusty AK-47
  • The 1945 British Election (how else could labour get in?)
  • 1975 olympic fencing match between indiana jones and Durka-Mohamed in which the gun triumphed the whole competition
  • Atilla the hun conquering Europe due to his army having m60's and the enemies having Swords.

In his speech delivered in 12BC Jesus Christ made a speech at an NRA meeting in which he said "The gun is a revolutionary tool. To prove how much I believe in its brilliance over the sword I will give my life on the cross for the gun... Oh, and some sins as well, I suppose."


Swords now often reside in games and computers, where they have become more pwnage than in "real life".

The Art of Fencing[edit]

Fencing came about as a way for people to hit each other with thin bits of metal without damaging eyes, mutilating each other or giving yourself a boo boo. The first reported fencing bout took place on 12th August 1809 at Buckingham palace, a fight between James II and The Duke of Toffinghamshireham that lasted 35 minutes and destroyed various priceless paintings, statues and Elvis memorabilia. They decided on using blunt swords and protective clothing, including a mask with wires across the front to protect the face. The reason for this is recorded in James II's diary (which is reportedly pink), "We were sorta tiffed off at each other but I didn't really want to hurt the chap". This is popularly believed as the origins of fencing, altough many historians have alternative theories that date way back to 1807.

Fencing nowadays has evolved so that the combatants no longer have to wear anything, although many choose to after the introduction of sharper, slighty laserier swords. In antquity, fencers were confined to a piste, which is a stretch of snow with flagged poles at regular intervals, but now they fight in large open rooms, filled with pit falls, flame throwers, battle turrets, atomic bombs and several wild animals. The fencers are allocated 5 lives in the first rounds of a competition called a poule, which can contain anything from 4 to 8 fencers in the room at a time. The winner from each poule then goes on to one on one battles called "Direct Eliminations" in which they are allocated 15 lives. These continue until only the champion is left. For a full list of FIE rules and regulations, including laser setting limits and safe tending of animals, journey to their headquarters, deep in the heart of Toulousse, France. Alternatively, for the lastest updates see the latest FIE Regulations

Sword Swallowing[edit]

People that swallow swords to entertain themselves and others need to find a more productive pasttime.


  • Used prominently by ninjas, samurai, knights, paladins, templars, or nerds who collect them.
  • Come in two flavors; one and two-handed.
  • Are utterly shite when faced with a gun
  • ...eaxcept at distances of 10 feet or less, but you'd be dead by then anyway
  • Only girls fought with them after 1066
  • Ninjas have recently (1800) given up the use of swords and began the deadly art of MP5K-SD (the one with the extended magazine available in black)
  • Swords can also be used to digest, though unnaturally fat Kirby.
  • Swords hurt when you hit your self with the sharp side, I think I'm dying mum... What? Is this thing still on?
  • Yeah they really can hurt....ouch
  • Everyone loser who has ever drawn a design for a sword has, at some point, sketched one with three blades. These people are morons as a tri-bladed sword would be useless in any form of combat.

See Also[edit]