Syracuse

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Syracuse.
Syracuse in happier warmer times
Syracuse shown here, post Global warming effects.

Syracuse is a city in Central New York. According to the U.S. Census, the city has a total population of 7 rich white males, while its metropolitan area has a population of 7,032,117,009 minorities and illegal Canadian immigrants. This makes for an eclectic mix of people and cultures. The name is derived from the city of Syracuse, Italy, which in turn is a contraction of "see 'er accuse," which in turn from the fact that women here always shift the blame towards the men.

The West Side consists of Colemans, and possibly the best three hours of radio on the whole friggin' planet, This Is Rock'n Roll Radio, hosted by Westcott Radio president Dana Bonn and Goldmine magazine music critic Carl Cafarelli. It is said that every time Dana or Carl play the Flashcubes, the Poptarts, or Mr. Encrypto, somewhere, a Mariah Carey record shatters into a million tiny little shards.

The East Side contains the roughest gangs and 'hoodlums' in the city. They can be identified by the bandanas hanging out of their pockets or off their heads. They spend most of their time on the sidewalk, smoking weed and trying to 'bag shorties' and 'catch licks.' The East side is renowned for endless road construction that never results in improved roads.

The South Side is similar to the East Side, with the addition of a long creek that provides 'thugs' with a place to dump bodies. This side of the city has been forgotten about by the rest of Syracuse.

The North Side is loaded with people trying desperately to keep their side of the city free from infiltration by the Carousel Maul. North Siders are found anywhere there is a Neighborhood Watch sign, and are fond of looking out of their windows and calling the police anytime someone walks past their car.

Syracuse is, by far, the most unpleasant city in New York during the winter months. Snow way! Syracuse is also a relatively large cardboard city; home to Solvay Paperboard and flooded with cardboard signs saying "I'm not gonna lie, I need a beer" and "Will pretend to be a Veteran for food", popular among hobos down on that intersection near the Dinosaur Barbeque. If you let this city consume you, then you have a great chance of becoming one of these people. The best thing to do is create your own fun and build your 'alternate universe.'

Historical Syracuse City Seal

History[edit]

Syracuse was originally Native American until 1766 when Jerimah Syracuse defeated the Native army of 80,000 with a rifle and a rusty pitchfork. He decided to build a homestead on the south shore of Onondaga Lake. Over time, Syracuse managed to have sex with most of the native population, creating a small city. The city was originally nicknamed "The Shit City", but misunderstood and written as "The Salt City" in official records. By 1830 the city was home to over 300 people, making it the third largest city in the United States. It was decided in 1831 that the Erie Canal would run through the city of Syracuse. Syracuse would now proudly brag it was home to the world's second most useless waterway. In 1886, the city decided to begin an official "Fuck up Onondaga Lake Campaign". Over the next 100 years, chemicals, raw sewage, Billy Fuccilo's hair, and Hoffman's white hotdogs were dumped into the lake. The campaign was an overwhelming success. In the late 19th and early 20th centuries, Syracuse experienced an influx of Irish immigrants. This gave city officials an excuse to turn a traffic light upside down in the Irish neighborhood of Tipperary Hill, "just to fuck with everyone." The traffic light remains upside down to this day.

Other Stuff[edit]

Syracuse is also mildly famous for the Empirical Expoop Center, directly underneath the city, which hosts the annual "Kind of Okay" New York State Fair!. It is reckoned Syracuse gets its signature smell from the large amounts of rotting Gianelli sausages, fried dough, and human feces left over by this sacred ritual. Syracuse was named after the original Syracuse, a city on the eastern coast of Sicily, Italy, which is probably 10 times cooler than this one, mostly because everyone there talks with an Italian accent and eats mad Italian ice, yo. A similarity of the two is the fact that they are both very salty. The nightlife is great, however, and you can see a fight anywhere in the downtown strip.

New Syracuse City Seal

The city has functioned as a major bombing range over the last two millennia. Today, Syracuse is located by the intersection of Upstate New Dork's two major sewage pipes, and The Syracuse Hand-Cock Balloon Shop. Syracuse's main tourist industry stems from going to Erie Boulevard and harassing the hookers. Also, Syracuse's main sport is drinking, and they are represented every year at the International Sucking Competition by their team, the Syracuse Alkies.

DestiNY USA[edit]

Syracuse is also home to many regional offices of the United States Government, such as the ever important main office of the Management of Malls built on Toxic Waste Dumps Comission or MOMBOTWDC. In 2000, MOMBOTWDC decided that they would sketch many pictures of a futuristic, insanely large, extensive, add-on to the current mall, I Don't Care-osel!. Although the drawings were very practical and realistic (the plans included 200 topless bars, a marina, a rocket launching pad, chairs with personalities, automatic bloomin onion makers, a really giant hair dryer, the National Scooby Doo museum, a moon base, jet packs for customers, complimentary foot massages, and a really big pile of steel), all that materialized was the giant pile of steel, which ended up being a safe place for childeren to play (minus rust poisoning). In the end, everyone was happy with project DenstiNY USA.XXX

Peniscuse University[edit]

Home to Syracuse University, whose mascot is a big fruit named Otto. Strangely enough, this cute little citrus fruit does not sport any weapons or Viking helmets. ESPN The Magazine recently awarded Otto the title of "Dumbest College Mascot Ever."

Gerry McNamara, an SU basketball player and native of Scranton, PA, is acclaimed for being one of the best players the school has come across. Unfortunately, the NBA disagreed, and now McNamara sweats it out in a Greek league, where he is regularly hand-fed dolma on the bench by hot Greek cheerleaders, rather than enduring such NBA indignities as possibly being a starter for the Knicks.

One of the greatest players to play for SU was Carmelo Anthony, who now plays for the New York Knicks. In his autobiography, Anthony, a native of Baltimore, admits the only reason he came to SU and not to a more local (to him) school such as Maryland or Georgetown was that SU was the only school to offer him admission with an ACT score of 10. (In a recent interview with ESPN The Magazine, former Georgetown men's basketball coach John Thompson stated that, were he still in the position, he would have accepted Anthony, continuing the tradition of such academic luminaries as Michael "I Din't Touch Him, Ref! Now Shut Your Bitch Ass Up 'Fore I Cut You" Graham and other stars on the 1984 championship team.) Anthony also admits he was intrigued by the notion of white hot dogs. To this day, every year at the end of the NBA season, Anthony donates over 50,000 pounds of Hoffman's white hot dogs to white hot-dog impoverished children in the Baltimore projects where he grew up.

Another great SU hoops legend was Louis Orr, who currently holds the distinction of being the only SU alumnus to be fired as head basketball coach from two teams SU routinely whups (Siena and Seton Hall). Currently, Orr, the front-end of the legendary "Louie & Bowie Show" of the 70's, is the head basketball coach at Bowling Green University in Ohio. Originally Orr was hired in 2008 to replace Kelvin Sampson at Indiana, but while driving out there, he got lost in a tornado on I-70 and ended up at Bowling Green instead.

The common thread connecting all Syracuse basketball players since 1976 has been Hall of Fame coach Jim "I Got Me a Babe-a-licious Trophy Wife" Boeheim, a lifetime resident of central New York. Despite having a master's degree in social science and permanent secondary school social studies teaching certification, Boeheim seems to be unaware that there is life outside Syracuse. He is the only college coach, men's or women's in any division, to spend his entire career—undergrad, grad, player, assistant coach, and head coach, plus golf coach for a while just because he had some extra time on his hands—with the same team. In a recent Sports Illustrated profile, when asked where would he live if he could live anywhere, Boeheim replied, "Syracuse," leading some to speculate that he may be suffering early signs of dementia. Boeheim lives in Syracuse with his wife Juli and their three children, Syracuse, Syracuse, and Syracuse. Boeheim also has a daughter, Syracuse, from a previous marriage.

Syracuse currently has a really bad football team, which causes most people under the age of 50 to forget they won a national championship in 1959. Back in the 50's and 60's they had a group of running backs that includes Jim "They Didn't Retire the Number 44 For Me" Brown, Ernie "They Didn't Retire the Number 44 for Me" Davis, Floyd "They Didn't Retire the Number 44 for Me" Little, Jim "They Didn't Retire the Number 45 for Me...Oh Wait, They Still Have Number 45" Nance, and Larry Csonka (I don't know what number he wore). Later on, a slew of half-decent quarterbacks, such as Don McPherson, Marvin Graves, and Donovan McNabb, all wore the mighty smelly orange. McPherson shattered all SU quarterback records during his playing days, but came in second to Tim Brown in the 1987 Heisman Trophy voting. McPherson rode the bench for six years with the Eagles and Chargers, and currently provides color commentary on BET, while Tim Brown enjoyed a Hall of Fame career with the Raiders. This illustrates what happens when you don't win the Heisman. (Of course, considering the fate of Heisman Trophy winning quarterbacks such as Gino Torretta, Ty Detmer, Andre Ware, Danny Wuerffel, and Chris Weinke, among many, many others, one could argue that McPherson is better off.) BET, of course, stands for "Bet You Didn't Know We Broadcast Sports as Well as Really Bad Chick Movies Starring Angela Bassett or Lela Rochon."

Shit![edit]

On a more depressing note, Tom Cruise is a Syracuse native. And Richard Gere's parents, Homer and Doris, still live here, despite having a multi-bazillionaire son who could move them to someplace much warmer, as well as another son who currently lives in Los Angeles and could certainly put up a cot in the back room for Mom and Dad. Alec Baldwin's mom also lives here...but the Baldwin children were raised on Long Island which is technically not even a real place. Syracuse is also the home of douche bags like talk-radio host Jim Reith, comedian Bobcat Goldthwait, and Reality TV celebrity J. Son Dinant. On a bright note, Tom Kenny? No? Carmelo Anthony? Yeah...oh wait, Carmelo Anthony's actually from Baltimore. Never mind....

New York and her parents from Flavor of Love on VH1 are also from Syracuse. I hate that show.

Climate[edit]

Syracuse is also known to be the only place in the world with seven seasons, five of them being winter, one of them being melting season, and the last being that really shitty in between rain phase also known as road construction. At my high school reunion in August 2006, there was a light sprinkling of snow flurries, but they didn't stick, so everyone agreed they had a good time despite the main entertainment being REO Speedwagon.