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The College of New Jersey
Motto Somewhat Short of Mediocre
Established 1855
School type Pubic
Head R. Barbara Gitenstein
Location Ewing, New Jersey, USA
Campus 90 Pirate Ships (1.16954151E12 mm^2)
Faculty People, Robots, Plants
Mascot The Snake of Knowledge

The College of New Jersey, commonly called TCNJ, is a four-year public institution located near Ewing, NJ. It actually floats on a cloud of pollution above the township. It is also known by the previous name, Eickhoff's Super Happy Fun Land. It floats high above the mythical land of New Jersey, and it always ranks high in national surveys comparing Butter to I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. The College of New Jersey is famous for its pirate school.

About The College of New Jersey[edit]


The College of New Jersey was established in 1855 by the New Jersey state legislature as the New Jersey State Embezzlement School. Rodmaster-P, then Governator of New Jersey, promoted the idea of a training institute for New Jersey's future corrupt polititians. "We must ensure that tax dollars are not used responsibly" he said. Consequently, the New Jersey State Embezzlement School was established.

For the first seventy-three years, the school was located somewhere underneath Trenton. Beginning in 1925, the institution decided to expand its horizons to help students steal money in innovative new ways. In 1928, a cloud of pollution (0.8 km²) was purchased high above Ewing Township, New Jersey as the college prepared to move its campus. The flagship H.M.S. Green was constructed as the college transitioned in to a full-fledged pirate school.

Following a spill of plutonium by Sodexho[1] the school decided to change its name for no apparent reason. These names include:

  • MTSS
  • The New Jersey Turnpike School
  • Eickhoff's Super Happy Fun Land

--and very briefly--

  • (An unpronounceable symbol)
  • The School Formerly Known as "Eickhoff's Super Happy Fun Land"

In a charge lead by Harry Eickhoff in '96, the school changed to its current name of "The College of New Jersey" to continue the enriched-plutonium tradition of generally mixing things up. Princeton University which was known as the The Prick's College of New Jersey from its founding in 1746 until 1896. Princeton University felt TCNJ was attempting to associate itself with its history and reputation, and the name would indicate some kind of association between the two schools. Princeton University was about to sue, but an armada including the Forcina, the Holman and the Adam West Library. Harry (or Sr. Eick, as he likes to be called) indiscriminately killed and plundered in the Princeton area until Princeton University gave up. The Legend holds that Sr. Eick, "ejaculated a great victory screech and shouted, 'You got served!'"

In 2000, the college began a large renovation project that included the building of a new library ship, the New Library that replaced the Adam West Library and the Ugly Thing Hanging Off of the Adam West Library. The New Library that replaced the Adam West Library and the Ugly Thing Hanging Off of the Adam West Library was completed in the fall of 2005, and successfully replaced the Adam West Library (which now stands derelict).

Things occasionally got kinky in the Adam West Library

In 2004 the college was named among the 75 schools that Barron's lists in its "Most Arrrrr" category. It was one of only seven pubic schools placed in this category.


No athletics are allowed at TCNJ except for swashbuckling and shuffleboard. Both the swashbuckling and shuffleboard teams have either won world championships or killed all other competitors.


The College of New Jersey offers a variety of degrees in over 50 pirate programs, leading to one undergraduate (baccalaureate) degree: Bachelor of Pirating. The only graduate degree is a Doctorate in Eickhoffetting.

The College of New Jersey offers programs in the following Majors: Accounting Pirate, Art Pirate, Art History Pirate, Art Pirate Preparation, Biology Pirate, Biomedical Engineering Pirate, Chemistry Pirate, Civil Engineering Pirate, Communications Pirate, Computer Engineering Pirate, Computer Science Pirate, Criminology Pirate & Justice Studies Pirate, Digital Art Pirate, Early childhood Pirate Education, Education of the Deaf, Hard of Hearing, and Pirates, Economics Pirate, Electrical Engineering Pirate, Elementary Pirate Education, Engineering Management Pirate, English Pirate, English Pirate Preparation, Finance Pirate, General Pirate, Graphic Design Pirate, History Pirate, History Teacher and Pirate, Interactive Multi-Pirate, International Piracy, International Studies Pirate, Journalism Pirate, Management Pirate, Marketing Pirate, Math Pirate & Stat Pirate, Mechanical Engineering Pirate, Music Performance Pirate, Music Education Pirate, Nursing Pirate, Philosophy Pirate, Physics Pirate, Political Science, Psychology Pirate, Sociology Pirate, Sociology and Pre-Pirate Work, Spanish Pirate, Spanish Teaching Pirate, Technological Studies Pirate, and Women & Pirate Studies.


  • When the name-change from The School Formerly Known as "Eickhoff's Super Happy Fun Land to The College of New Jersey took place, workers misspelled the new name on the sign at the main gate of the college. The new sign read "The College of Heresy". This was corrected after a few years, but not before a color lithograph of the incorrect sign was published on the cover of Pirate's Weekly (a magazine that doesn't exist). Note the close proximity of H to J on the keyboard and how that probably wouldn't matter on a lithograph.
  • The official school letter is "R", and all keyboards on campus only have the letter "R" and a few modifier keys on them.
  • Harry has an official TCNJ clothing line featuring his trademark eyepatch.
  • PP needs TP

Notable Alumni of Other Schools[edit]

Notable Alumni[edit]

  • Charles Bong