TGI Friday's, or We Have Crap Bolted To The Walls is a popular American carwash franchise-turned-restaruant. The company goal of TGI Friday's always has been to provide the most aggravating experience possible to the guest, while at the same time serving food so greasy that despite the restaurant's loud and unpleasant atmosphere, shitty service, and soggy napkins, you will continue to return weekend after weekend to contribute more of your money into the swirling anal vortex of corporate greed in exchange for the same well-lubricated food products.
The History of TGIF
Friday's began during the 1950's under the name of "Slappy's" (management searched far and wide for the stupidest name imaginable) and from it's debut until the mid-1960's Slappy's served as a unique chain of carwashes in which high-power hoses and jets would thoroughly soak a vehicle with low quality, high viscosity cooking grease to enhance both the sheen of the paint as well as the aerodynamics of the car. In fact, this form of washing one's car was made even more popular from it's use by The Fonz. However, as the popularity of power-greasing one's car declined, the corporate management decided, "Hey, Americans are stupid lardasses. Maybe instead of washing cars we can use these grease jets to make poor quality and extremely fattening food?" Thus became "Captain Chugger's House of Ass", the franchise's name from 1965 to 1986. In 1987, the name of the establishment was changed to "TGI Friday's". In 1990, the restaurant tried an innovative new style of decor, carelessly bolting any household item or musical instrument used by a high school marching band they could find to the wall, alongside Tiffany lamps and brass sconces, whatever those are. Due to this, the restaurant acquired the nickname "We Have Crap Bolted To The Walls", an unofficial name that sticks with the restaurant to this day.
In Here, It's Always Friday
Friday's is renowned for its dedicated employees, who are 110% committed every day to really giving a shit about your "Friday's experience". Upon entering the loud, bizzarely decorated, poorly lit and even more poorly ventilated restaurant, guests are greeted by a smiling host who, believe it or not, actually does care how you all are doing this evening and how many it'll be, and will that be for smoking or non? (Even though they already know if you want to sit in smoking because smokers are always easy to pick out, but they will be polite and ask anyway.) The restaurant boasts a highly competent bussing staff who even manage to clean off a table or two in between valuable time spent smoking, hanging out at the host desk, and rolling silverware while the forks and knives are still wet from being washed so you can sit down for your meal with a nice already-soggy napkin.
Employees at Friday's are well known for their inventive and inengious ways to pass time and make the most of spending hours at a job they really hate. Servers and cooks, for example, enjoy ejaculating into the food of unsuspecting guests. In fact, it is not uncommon every now and then for the entire kitchen staff to gather round for a giant bukkake into a randomly selected dish (most likely yours). For this reason, ordering the new Friday's cream brulee is probably not a good idea.
The TGI Friday's Business Strategy
The Friday's corporation (owned and operated by Al Sharpton's hair) has been widely accalimed for its unique approach to reaping obscene profits from their restraint franchise, athlough they have been criticized for stealing their strategy from Bill Gates's Microsoft Corporation. The practice entails creating a monopoly or near-monopoly on a high demand product or service (in this situation, heart attack-inducing restuarant food) and then steadily lowering the quality of the given product or service while maintaining or even increasing business due to the established market monopoly.
Friday's Across the World
Despite becoming a well-recognized piece of Americana, TGI Friday's has become popular across the world. In other countries it is also known as:
- TAIF (Thank Allah It's Falafel ), in the Ayrab world
- TVIF (Thank Vishnu It's Friday), in India
- TYIF (Thank Yahweh It's Friday), in Israel
- TAFDALAEBIF (Thank Allah for the Death of All Infidels and Especially Because it's Friday), in parts of the Muslim world
- TNODIF (Thank Non-specific Omniscient Diety It's Friday), in The People's Republic of San Francisco
Also well known is the TGI Friday's spin-off franchise TGIF13 (Thank God It's Friday the 13th), a horror-themed restaurant specializing in cannibal cuisine. It shut down after three minutes of operations.