Total Nonstop Action Snooker

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
(Redirected from TNA)
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Watching TNA makes me feel like a piece of SHIT!

~ Tourettes Guy on TNA

“Who writes this garbage?”

~ Alex Stoyanoff on TNA


~ Don West on TNA

“You mean you'll let me get high on Meth, AND wrestle 1/8th my ablity, and still pay me? Sweet!”

~ Jeff Hardy on TNA

“They'll let me have as much injuries as I want and still get paid more than minimum wage? Sweet!.........SWEET!”

~ Mr. Kennedy on TNA

“This looks a lot like WWE


“We are..... snooker”

~ Jeff Jarrett on TNA

“TNA sounds strangely similar to T&A. ”

“Why is TNA full of has beens? ”

~ Willy Wonka on TNA


~ Don West on Total Nonstop Action Snooker

“Their booking sucks.”

~ Oscar Wilde on TNA

“I'm making this company my bitch!”

~ Kurt Angle on TNA

“Nothing says total non stop action like a 43 year old fat guy with messed up kness.”

~ TNA upper management on signing Mick Foley

“Im The Boss”

~ Vince In about 2 Weeks on impact will be a webcast


~ Edge on TNA

“You've got to be kiddding me?, is that what I say over & over again!! YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!!”

~ Don West on TNA

“Can I have some more money?”

~ Sting on TNA
“So apparently there was a pay per view from TNA last night. It was called Victory Road, and like always, TNA beat WWE... the most long-winded show ever.

The only thing I saw was the most atrocious show since...according to most of the wrestling fans, every single RAW for the past few months.

TNA had a chance to win the fans' respect last night (which they didn't), had a chance to get the advantage over WWE with those guys heading into Night of Champions (which they failed to get) and they had a chance to do something different (which didn't happen).

In other words, Victory Road didn't even garner one star from last night's show.

Seriously, did anyone really enjoy the show? Let's look at the results: The Main Event Mafia garnered all the gold last night, Angelina Love regained the Knockouts Championship and Samoa Joe defeated Sting.

Oh yeah...and Taz made his debut as Joe's handler last night.

Really? That's the best they can give us? Taz hasn't wrestled in years, 95 percent of the Mafia should be in the retirement home down the street from Universal Studios and in all honesty, they screwed up with the entire evening.

Not one surprise twist. We all saw the arrival of either Tazz or Bobby Lashley coming for the past month. Poll Results After Victory Road, will you continue to watch TNA?

Absolutely. Everyone's entitled to screw up one show. 40.9%Not a chance. I want my refund too! 9%Does anyone really watch wrestling i mean snooker anymore? 50.1%Screw this. Show more hot chicks!

You could have at least given us one huge shocker. But after this past Thursday's iMPACT, we all knew that the Mafia would most likely win all the titles at Victory Road.

We all knew that they wouldn't allow Kurt Angle to be defeated by someone as beyond their prime as Mick Foley. But what we didn't obviously know is that TNA doesn't give a damn about the fans. So why should we give a damn about them?

I'm serious. Why should we care what TNA thinks if they don't even listen to us?

Now they want us to join their TNAtion and follow TNA through practically everything. Unfortunately for TNA, we're a lot smarter than some of those slack-jawed yokels in Alabama and Mississippi who still think lynching is an Olympic Sport.

Contrary to popular belief, TNA has not impressed me in months. I actually called my cable company to ask for a refund after the show last night. When I told them why I wanted a refund, they emphatically accepted that and refunded the cash I spent to watch that garbage.

The supervisor then got on and told me I would have been better off watching scrambled porn instead of that garbage.

Guessing he was a huge wrestling fan as well.

In any event, TNA will be pointless to watch this Thursday night on Spike. Has anyone noticed that since Superstars came to TV, there have been no announcements about them breaking records.

So, TNA, you just screwed the militia of fans that you had by giving us a Main Event Mafia-sponsored pay per view.

Now, we're supposed to buy tickets to your lameduck shows in Orlando as well as your slapstick-style pay per view in Los Angeles? I wouldn't bank on it. I don't think anyone is that stupid.

And to prove it, I have decided that I will no longer write a recap for your weekly show on Spike until you guys step up and show me something. So, if anyone else wants to write TNA recaps, be my guest...

Because I would like to hold my lunch down for another week.

TNA, you get two thumbs down for Victory Road, two thumbs down for the past few months of iMPACT and two thumbs down for the atrocity of a company that you have regurgitated.

Anyone who wanted WCW-Reincarnated, guess what? You got it last night in all its glory. Thanks for the debacle.

We as the PW Section appreciate it...NOT!!!”
~ me on tna

“U mad?”

~ Everyone on The above quote
Total Nonstop Action Snooker(currently a subsidiary of WWE) logo
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Total Nonstop Action Snooker.

Total Nonsense Action Snooker (TNA) or Mixed Martial Arts is an American snooker promotion (currently a subsidiary of WWE), founded by Double Jerker and his father Willie Nelson in Smarch 2003, and now owned by Kentuckistan Fried Chicken (though are secretly funded by the World Wildlife Federation). The company is also known as Tits N' Ass Wrastlin. The company operates out of Hull, with an office in the treehouse of Orlando Bloom. TNA was originally a member of the International Federation of Snooking and was also known as IFS-TNA, but withdrew from the IFS in 2004 after a disagreement with between Jarrett and Oscar Wilde over whether the use of Jarrett's guitar as a cue after accidentally burning his cue from pyrotechnics was in the spirit of the sport.


~ Don West on the guitar incident

TNA is the first American promotion to exclusively use a hexagonal snooker table as opposed to the more conventional twenty-sided table. The reasoning for this is for more impact spots despite the fact there's no more holes than before. TNA is also unorthodox in that championships can change hands as a result of "blackballing" the referee by potting his balls with the use of the cueball or just stealing the championship and claiming it as his own arm (as seen with Sean Waltman), thereby nullifying the "champion's advantage", along with both competitors approaching the table via separate entrance ways complete with their own brand of midgets masturbating to country music, with a choice of either Tom Arnold or Dustin Diamond accompanying them.

Current champions[edit]

Championship Current champion(s) Date won Date aired
TNA World Heavyweight Championship (for Cruiser-weights only!) A.J. Styles November 19 2007 November 18 2008
TNA World Tag Team Championship (Sold to OVW) Smurficide and Smurf Angle September 11 2008 Still to be aired
TNA Religious African-European Fatal Four Way Monsters Ball Climb Of Glory and Honour by Submission and/or Disqualification Missionary X Title (NWA Want this title too) Scott Steiner August 3 2007 August 2 2007
TNA Wimminz Knock the Fuck Out Championship Awesome King Kong Bundy Born yesterday to King Kong Bundy and Awesome Kong, awarded the title at birth at 1,934 lbs. Yesterday
TNA Fired Championship Curryman December 5 2008 December 9 2008

जय हिंदुस्तान , जय इंडिया == History ==

TNA's boring iMcRaP~!!!!!!!!!!![edit]

OMGX Division star A.J. Styles, the first snooker player to wear a hooded waistcoat.

In 2003, TNA launched their own show called iMcRaP~!!!!!!!!!!!. The show was originally shown on Fox TV but HARD HITTING outweighed iMcRaP~!!!!!!!!!!! so the show was of course cancelled. After protests from the seven emo fans of Jeff Hardy, the show was now shown in the form of mini-films at the beginning of KKK member Spike Lee's films in Dodecember 2005. This meant the end of Monty Brown's career after he was sent in The Serengetti for a special two-day special but died after a lion attacked him. Another guy affected by the affiliation with Spike Lee was Elix Skipper who decided to take his life by tight-walking a cliff before falling off it. Needless to say, but TNA iMpAcT-!!!! sucks a lot of "balls". Get it?

The show is currently filmed at Disneyland with its crowd coming in free to chant whatever they want. One notable moment was when A.J. Styles was made Player of 2005 which led the crowd to dismay as they believed the true winner was Chuck Norris who could beat down Styles so much he puts the the laughter in manslaughter.

Desperate for talent, TNA picked up some has been professional wrestlers from the WWE after they got fired for sucking too much or failing a drug test or both, and given a Snooker contract by TNA to be on their show. Some of the former WWE wrestlers include Christian Cage, Rhino, Kurt Angle, Sting, the fake Sting, Kevin Nash, Hulk Hogan (Until he got tired of getting his ass kicked and went back to the WWE and then later did Hogan Knows Best on MTV until his son got arrested for drunk driving at the age of 14), one of the Undertakers but not the one from Dr. Who, one of the guys who wore the Kane mask known as Chris Parks given a new mask and name of Abyss, Booker T (Gave up a career at Burger King after fired from the WWE and hired at Burger King until TNA said they would pay him more than minimum wage and give his wife a job as well), and Davari so they could have a Radical Muslim make Anti-American statements to please the Liberal viewers. It's a very UNKNOWN fact that TNA have a sister company called WWE which they bought when Jeff Jarrett won a poker game.

The current commentators for the show are John Virgo and some random presenter from the Home Shopping Channel.


~ Don West on his replacement (that should have happened five years ago)

ZOMG-XXX Division[edit]

Is the Porno division of TNA starring Jeff Jarrett, Captian Charisma, Michael Jammy and Rated-G for Gay superstar Kurt Angle, The Division produced movies such as TNA Jenny says, TNA Against All Cocks, Pornomania, Oscar Wilde, Last Cock Standing, Bound for Pussy(guest starring Christy Hemme).

New acquisitions[edit]

Due to expansion, TNA brought more new players to the table. One major acquisition was Captain Charisma who after promoting his new show Captain Charisma and the Peepateers was immediately attacked by Jarrett for wearing underpants on the outside after Labor Day. Other acquisitions included Sting, a live rhino named Richard, Kevin Nash's torn quad.

The Russo Era[edit]

On April 7, 2007, Vince Russo bought tna for 15 dollars. Vince Russo's master plan for TNA is to change the name to "Total Nonstop Russo" and cut every single match down to 1 minute with screwy finishes. Russo also plans to have at least 35 minutes of storylines every iMPACT episode, all of which include him squashing every single snooker player on the roster week in and week out.

Russo is also infamous for the "Orlando Screwjob" incident, where after several run-ins, swerves, false finishes, and 4 knocked out referees, AJ Styles "layed down" (on the snooker table) for Jeff Jarrett to get the victory. A match that lasted a record 1:35.

The Smurf Era[edit]

TNA Mobile has just learned that Vince Russo has sold his majority ownership of TNA for an undisclosed amount to Peyo Studios. Pierre "Peyo" Culliford, the creator of The Smurfs passed away in 1992, but the studio remained open, selling millions of dollars in Smurfs merchandise. The acquisition comes as a shock to TNA fans all across the world, as will the changes that Peyo Studios plans to make. BWO (Blue World Order) is said to now have interest in coming to TNA for obvious reasons.


The New TNA Roster[edit]

  • Smurficide then changed to Homosmurf when cause Suismurf sounds gay
  • Papa Smurf Foley Executive Smurfholder
  • Smurf Angle
  • Smurfoa Joe
  • Angry Smurf
  • The Fallen Smurf
  • Big Poppa Smurf
  • Smurf Boy
  • Robert Smurf - "It pays to be BLUE"
  • Blue Smurfchismo
  • The Amazing Smurf
  • AJ Smurf (The Smurfnomenal One)
  • Christian Smurf - "Cuz That's how I Smurf"
  • Alex Smurfley
  • Chris Smurfin
  • Christopher Smurfels
  • Bobby Queeer Bait
  • The British Smurfs

and sting "Fuck smurfs"

They added new heels named Gargamel, Big Mouth, and for comic relief they had a wrestler named Peewee.

Even the tag teams are not safe, as rumor has it, TNA is even changing Serotonin to Smurfotonin and Paparazzi Productions to Smurfarazzi Productions. Rumor had it that there was big juicing going on with Smurfberries and X-rated action with the Smurfettes in the locker rooms. The females are going now known as the flintstones

Recycling old wrestlers into new personalities[edit]

When Christopher Daniels's Fallen Angel gimmick got too old, and people got tired of his preaching, he got a pink slip in the Feast or Fired match where they played Snooker for briefcases, three briefcases had meals in them, and one had a pink slip which automatically fired the snooker player. Daniels was fired, but came back as Curry Man, a masked wrestler from Japan's New Japan Pro Snooker division. Now he is a Japanse version of Ronald McDonald and promotes curry dishes as he plays snooker with a fake Japanese accent.

When Shark Boy's gimmick got too old, they gave him a Steve Austin makeover, and he started to act like Stone Cold in his snooker matches. Shell yeah, and that's the fishing line because Shark Boy said so!

Eric Young decided to join in and became known as Super Eric, but denies it. Super Eric formed the Fairy Princess Justice Brotherhood with Shark Boy and Curry Man, all masked wrestlers who claim to be super heroes. They helped Socal Val find her engagement ring.

Steroid Allegations And The Hardy Era[edit]

In July 2007 TNA became the center of controversy in a case that shocked the nation and shattered the hearts of snooker fans around the world. In a search of the TNA locker room originally organised to attempt to find Kurt Angle's titles, clothes and underwear a large bag was found sitting on the locker of one Scott Steiner; containing several years worth of anabolic steroids and several live kittens. The police were called in and a warrant was taken out for Steiner's arrest.

After taking the TNA star and WWE reject to Tralee Garda station for questioning, a full scale search of the Steiner residence took place, revealing what could only be describes as "like the gingerbread house from Hansel and Gretal... but with steroids." The pigs confiscated the illegal substances along with six cats and thirty kittens who were handed over to the Michigan Humane Society to be cared for and/or slaughtered.

In court, Steiner fought his case valiantly and defended his innocence to the point that it looked as though he would be cleared of all charges but unfortunately he became so worked up that he ripped the sleeves on his shirt showing the world his... genetics. Within five minutes the jury had gone from clearing a man's name to condemning him entirely and us wrestling fans were faced with a shocking truth; Scott Steiner, a professional wrestler... was on steroids. First time for everything I suppose.


~ Don West on TNA

In a moment of sheer desperation, TNA was sold to WWE (and TNA, and ROH, and ECW and WCW and UFC and MLB and NFL, MTV, EMO and, most shockingly, AVN) Reject, congressman and casualty of Nipple H's insane vagina, Jeff Hardy for only $5 and a tape of Booker T calling Hulk Hogan a "Nigger", which reportedly sent the entire TNA roster into uncontrollable Gigglefits upon each viewing. Hardy Converted the show to a new format, where he would lord over the battle between his living creations made out of aluminum are called "Aluminummies" and Their Decepticon-like enemies are called "Birusters" (who can make the Aluminummies rust) by the Volcano in his Backyard to the sounds of his band, Peroxwhy?gen (The TNA World Title, as well as title of "Master of The Battle" was awarded to Koko B. Ware, permanently). in breaks between the battle, he would offer tips on getting an awesome beard and crazy-ass dye job, as well as hiding weed from tha Po-Po's when they Comez around, ya dig. The TNA management was apparently dismantled at the low production values and new format, and ratings totally dipping to the point where they were beaten by even porn shows featuring 80 year olds week after week. TNA tried to compete by bringing in kurt angle- the biggest porn star in TNA, but the negative fan reaction to the squashing of an 80 yaer old lady to kurt angle was enough to put the company behind a few years.

The Commentators[edit]

In the year of 2007 there was several rumors about "Iron" Mike Tenay's true identity, and several wrestling news sites reported that Mike Tenay was the one and only Captain Obvious. It's also revealed that he is Wreck-Gar from Transformers Animated. Several quotes from the TNA lead commentator indeed prove his identity:

Polly: Polly want a cracker!

Mike Tenay: Polly wants a cracker!


Karen Angle Get Your fucking hands off me!

Mike Tenay And you can see that she's not happy! (Actual Quote!)

Karen Angle: Kurt...I want a divorce!

Mike Tenay: She says she wants a divorce!


Rhino: James Storm...I'm going to kick your ass!

Mike Tenay: He says he wants to kick his ass!


Mrs Tenay: Mike, I need to go to the restroom.

Mike Tenay: She wants to go to the restroom!!

Optimus Prime: Megatron, at the end of this day, one shall stand, and one shall fall.

Mike Tenay: He just told Megatron that at the end of this day, one shall stand and one shall fall!!

Megatron: Decepticons, RETREAT!

Mike Tenay: The Decepticons are retreating!

Ratchet: You're not an Autobot and never will be. You're only good for one thing, GARBAGE!

Mike Tenay:I am Wreck-Gar I am good for only one thing, GARBAGE! I must deliver garbage for all!

The Cowboy James Storm Sorry about your damn luck!

Mike Tenay He's sorry about your damn luck.

The Wildcat Chris Harris I heard him, you don't have to repeat what he says, retard! He smashed a bottle on my eye.

Mike Tenay You heard what he said, I don't have to repeat what he says, I am a retard. He smashed a bottle on your eye.

The Cowboy James Storm Stop repeating what we say, this isn't funny.


Mike Tenay You told me to stop repeating what you say, this isn't funny.

The Wildcat Chris Harris Shut up, this hurts more than the glass in my eye.

Mike Tenay I should shut up, what I say hurts more than the glass in your eye.

Don West: Mike stop acting gay.

Mike Tenay: I'm gay!!?!?

Don West: You are!?

Mike Tenay: I am!?!?

Don West: ...

Mike Tenay: ...

Don West: YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!?!?!?!??

Mike Tenay: I'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING HIM!?!?!?!??

Don West I think you are kidding me, Mike.

Mike Tenay I wish I was kidding you, but I'm not (sobs)

Don West Chin up, Mike lol.

Mike Tenay Don't you "lol" me biatch.

Don West DID YOU JUST SEE THAT SCORPIAN DROP BY STING ON RIKISHI (Rikishi is that homo who wants someone to do him up the ass, but nobody would because the gay wrestlers don't like the fattie incase you didn't know)

Obi Wan Kenobi: These are not the droids you're looking for.

Mike Tenay: These are not the droids we're looking for.


Speculation is that Donald Ronald McDonald West has a fetish for watching wrestling moves. It's pretty obvious that he gets this sexual stimulation from watching this. This disorder is called the "I have a fetish for watching wrestling disorder" Like who didn't know this already? [[1]]

On January 30, 2302, Don West and Mike Tenay got married live on TNA Impact. Vince McMahon objected the marriage after saying that Mike huffed his grapefruit sized balls. Then, Rikishi came out and knocked out Mike Tenay and Don West and raped them with a Bronco Buster, a gay move that calls for somebody's face getting raped by shoving some fatass Samoan's ass into their victim's face. Thus, the realization that TNA was gay as"s" fuck was born.

Don West recently had a sex change, as did Mike Tenay. And when Vince McMahon bught out the company in 3330, Michelle and Donatta West-Tenay had a child named Kurt AJ Sting Steiner West-Tenay, the first lesbians to have sex with each other and produce an offspring.

After Mike Tenay anally raped West, West said on TNA "I want a divorce". It was reported that Tenay later commented on the divorce by saying "He wants a divorce!". And Don West commented to Tenay's comment by saying "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!"

Professional Wrestling[edit]

TNA Snooker was well known in the past for staging Professional wrestling contests between or during Snooker bouts.At a time TNA was even rumoured to be introducing a TNA Wrestling Championship, Stevie Wonder being one of the names tossed around as possible contender.However, Vince McMahon, owner of the World Wrestling Federation threatened legal action if TNA continued making money out of the sport he invented.To try and prevent legal action,TNA sent McMahons former rapist, Vince Russo to McMahons home to scare him out of filing a lawsuit. Soon after TNA decided noone was interested in wrestling, scrapped the idea and went back to being a full time snooker promotion.

Signatures Matches[edit]

TNA Snooker in recent years has become known for its confusing gimmick frames never seen in any other promtion (largely due to the fact that no-one else is stupid enough to come up with such utter bollocks spread on a half toasted slice of bread). One such match is the 'Reverse Billiard Rumble'.

Reverse Billiard Rumble[edit]

The aim of this match is to get all the billiard balls off the floor and into the pockets.
Rules; The rules are similar to regular snooker, Once a successful pot of a red ball has been made, the player must then nominate a colour to pot, and must then repeat this process, playing for red, then colour, then red and so forth. But the balls are on the floor of the arena and some are hidden in spectators shoes and other clothing items. It has been known for the match official to put the billiard balls in spectator’s underwear the night before. This is also the only snooker match in which up to 30 people may participate. These matches tend to be terribly worked with many bitch fights occurring and many participants tripping over each other and having billiard balls chipped into their faces and genitals. This of course is illegal, the penalty for such erratic behaviour results in the offender being forced to dip a naked body part of the victim’s choice into a boiling bucket of soup. A person is eliminated when they when the ryvita cracker balanced on their head falls off (did I mention they have to balance ryvita crackers on their head? well they do). It has been known for this match to drag on for so gad damn long, that the participants become hungry and eat the cracker off their head. This match was thrown out of the window in the year 3000 when TNA finally lots the rights to this match in a game of rock paper scissors with Vince McMahon. As Vince had half a brain cell he never used this match but rather ridiculed TNA and proclaimed his throne as god!

Feast or Fire[edit]

The match starts with 4 envelopes taped onto the Snooker Table. The competitors compete to get 1 of them. 3 of them contain a coupon for a years worth of either McDonald's, Burger King, or Taco Bell. The 4th is a contract that states whoever gets it will be lit on fire.

King Of The Table[edit]

The main aim of this match is to get all of the balls back into the triangle. However, to do this a participant must first steal an opponents cue. However, this method is known to be very controversial, as in 2001, where everyone lost their cue, therefore deeming the match a waste of time. When a participants cue has been stolen, they are forced to go to some sort of penalty box filled with an unspecified material. The winner gets the title of "the guy who won another rubbish tna match." In the match of 2900, senior ball inspector Earl Hebner managed to screw (literally) Christian Cage out of the match. As Christian was putting the balls in the triangle, Mr Hebner sneakingly stole one of the coloured balls and gave it to Jeff Jarret. Then everyone got bored and decided not to watch the outcome. The match has stood the test of time, and has been competed in the year 9000.

TNA and YouTube[edit]

TNA has expanded onto YouTube using exclusive videos. However these videos suck major donkey dick and and will most likely cause blindness due to it being so shit. So here's a video featuring some retards complaining about wrestling. ENJOY!


The past PPV's held by TNA have included:

  • First New Year's Resolution
  • Against A Oddball
  • We Surrender
  • Locked Out (of the house)
  • Rack-The-Dice (a.k.a. Suckrifice)
  • Destination XXX: The Porno
  • "Jenny's-Sis"
  • Point of No Turning back
  • Defeated Road
  • Just Hard-Tits
  • Slammiversary (a portmanteau of the actual name, Slappy Anniversary)
  • Bound for Maury (a PPV completely dedicated to Maury Povich)
  • Battle of the erections

(These PPV's order have a tendency to change randomly due to the alignment of the planets)

See also[edit]