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“Writing a TOK essay is a bit like being constipated. You sit down to get something done, but then the pain kicks in. You start to clench your fists to alleviate the shear agony of it all. Sweat begins to pour down your forehead. Slowly, but surely, you produce one piece of crap after another. And, after many hours, it's all over and you hope you never have to do it again.”

~ IB Student on TOK

“But why doesn't a table get up and leave the room...?”

~ Peter the TOK teacher on migrating tables in TOK

“Alright, since this is TOK, it's time to do some math. Let's enter the Matrix!”

~ Carol the math and part-time TOK teacher on TOK

TOK, otherwise known as Theory of Knowledge (or even 'Three Oval Kites' or 'Totalt Onödig Kunskap' or 'Totally Unnecessary Knowledge' in Swedish), is yet another form of torture that the evil organisation IBO has up its sleeve. It involves the discussion of "knowledge", "paradigms" (pronounced 'pair o' dimes') and various other "I really couldn't fecking care less about this" subjects. It is also believed that TOK is used as a means of re-education at the IB re-education camps located in the Siberian thundra.

TOK lecturers tend to be fairly socially-inept, and are generally crow-obsessed, hairy fools who wear black or other suicide-inducingly-bland clothes. They spend most of their time talking in an overly-elaborate fashion, often displaying their vast array of sophisticated vocabulary in confusingly-structured and often incoherent sentences, much like this one.

"Who am I?"[edit]

Most people when faced with this question will answer "Dave/Eric/Laura/Rebecca etc", or simply "I don't give a toss, I've got a life". However, these people are morons. How on Earth can they know who they are? How do they know that they exist, and are not a figment of some incontinent squirrel's imagination? How do they know that the person who asked this question doesn't have incredibly limited English and isn't trying to ask directions to the local supermarket? They don't. And thus, whatever I was trying to prove has been categorically proven.

Ways to Get across the Language in which you can properly express what you believe you think, which you may not believe to think of at all[edit]

Many times, the most important part of TOK is the way in which you express beliefs which you may or may not hold to be true, although truth may in itself be false. A technique that you can employ to represent what you think you believe is to rub your forehead incessantly. This helps excite the brain cells you may or may not have to start perhaps causing chemical reactions that may or may not trick you into the belief that you can believe. Another way in which to theorize knowledge is to look up at the ceiling. This helps promote the intervention of a certain God or Gods that may or may not exist, and gives you a certain snobbiness to your thoughts of which you may or may not believe so that you may or may not express through language which may or may not be understood.

How do we know what we know? How do we know that the universe is real?

Other bits of nonsense[edit]

Here is another example of one of the interesting scenarios explored by TOK:

  • God is love.
  • Love is blind.
  • Stevie Wonder is blind.
  • Therefore Stevie Wonder is god.
  • Stevie Wonder is Black
  • God is Black

This statement, apparently, is logical. Yes, seriously.

Actually, it's not--it's an incorrectly used syllogism. The correct form would be:

  • God is love.
  • Love is blind.
  • Blind is Stevie Wonder.

Except that that doesn't really make sense.

The TOK teacher[edit]

The TOK teachers are evil creatures with S&M tendencies. They can differ in size and shape, but something they all have in common is torturing defenceless students, which somehow gives them sexual satisfaction. In most cases, it is possible to question the sexuality and sexual orientations of TOK teachers, mainly due to the fact that they tend to dress 'classier' or more 'fashionably' than other IB teachers, proving the point that they do not have a clue of what truly goes on in the realm of the IBO, allowing them to follow the trends of the Fashion Week in Paris.

Many, if not all, TOK teachers play the guitar. Several IB students throughout the world have noticed this recurring trend and have theorized that all IB teachers are the same exact person in different guises. Coincidentally, these IB students have all mysteriously disappeared before spreading their theory. Mainly male TOK teachers tend to dress up as females, i.e. they wear bright pink dresses with matching shoes, as seen on this footage.

Many TOK teachers enjoy to force their students to read texts they don't quite understand, and make a big deal out of it if they admit not to understand the text. By making their students feeling bad about themselves, the TOK teacher believes that the student is beginning to reach "critical thinking without being a skeptic".

Some TOK teachers have problems understanding how their students think. For instance, a TOK teacher can advice his or her students that it is "good to have your own opinions as long as they are backed up by good arguments". The problem is that most of the students don't have any problem in arguing for their opinions, it is just that they don't have any opinions because they don't give a shit about how science, languages, history and art are related to each other.

TOK teachers will often profess that they encourage free-thinking and the exploration of thought, yet if you disagree with any of their statements, arguments, etc. they will erupt in a metaphorical fireball of rage, and hold you after class. In short, they are lairs who want to make you just like them.

In conclusion, TOK teachers are bad. Mkay? They force you to write essays and care about things you don't quite understand or bother thinking about. They have no human feelings, and are worse than Hitler and Stalin.

The Final Word[edit]

I warn you. Turn back. The IB is not good. It will result in suicidal thoughts. TOK is one of the many things which will erode your brain. Run, before you ThoK up your life! That's it, keep going! Freedom awaits!