From Pee Review
This my first article, go easy on me. I think it has potential. --MorningSciFi 21:26, 18 June 2006 (UTC)
Nice. Appears to be a meta-satire (in which the article itself suffers from the condition it describes).
- Minor point: "He was thought to be a quiet boy" is weak phrasing that, like a zit, pops up almost everywhere. This drunken reader thinks, WHO thought him to be quiet? Why not just say "He was a quiet boy" instead?
- SHIT FUCK PISS anger occupies 3 of the 5 sections. Why not add some other stuff, like coldly savage anger? Sort of, um, "While the distinguished poet does not have the intelligence to recognize it, he has the skillset of a rhesus monkey...a monkey which, during birth, suffered oxygen deprivation and has only rotting organic sludge where its brain should be. But then again, we are probably insulting brain-damaged rhesus monkeys everywhere by comparing this incomparably INCOMPETENT and FOULLY PUTRID SO-CALLED 'poet' with something more advanced than a lump of rotting dung."
- I think it would be funny to start out yet another section with a calm, gentle mini-essay on controlling anger which (of course) very gradually degenerates into baboon-level howling rage. You'd have to figure out what would make the writer of an essay on anger-management get screaming mad, however.
Just some thoughts.----OEJ 19:30, 19 June 2006 (UTC)
Umm... it's funny... other than that, OEJ seems to be completely monopolising every possible comment that can be made on the whole of pee review. --Jamtrousers 13:11, 20 June 2006 (UTC)
Aw, con't be like that...I have left vast stretches of articular analysis untouched. ;) Someone had said Pee Review was dying away and I thought I really ought to help out for once. ----OEJ 16:49, 20 June 2006 (UTC)
Try this: Do what you are doing now, but make it so that the article opens in a friendly and almost serious tone, then gets angry with itself for doing that, tries to regain control, then gets angrier at itself for losing control in the first place, attempts more control, gets angrier etc... To add dimension. --Sir Hardwick Fundlebuggy (Bleat) 21:45, 20 June 2006 (UTC)
These are all really great criticisms, much appreciated. However..I doubt that I have the skills required to add in the depth and other things mentioned here... to do certain things would require a complete and total rewrite, I don't know if I have it in me. Amazing ideas though, brilliant. --MorningSciFi 18:13, 21 June 2006 (UTC)
I won't deny it: I laughed, but only until the second or so section. After that, it gets tired really easy. The anger really just starts to morph into blatant incoherence, and no one likes that. Here's my advice:
- Get angry.
- Go into a fit of pure, uncensored rage. Throw a chair or two if you have to. Play some Korn, Slipknot, Avenged Sevenfold (the really angry stuff), whatever helps.
- Have a friend who can write in shorthand to record your actions and harsh words.
- Get angry at your friend because their notes look like f***ing gibberish.
- Kill your friend in rage.
- Write a journal entry loaded with insights into your anger-riddled mind and crude sketchings of inhumane acts of pure rage.
- Copy the journal onto your article.
Hope I helped in any way possible.--DiZ 19:12, 21 June 2006 (UTC)murder...