Tang

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What monkeys can't get enough of, second only to cocaine.


History[edit]

Tang, not to be confused with the imaginary substance poontang, was invented in the 8th century by emperor Tang XXVI, who reigned many years until his death by involuntary masturbation. The invention of Tang is often credited (as we just did) to emperor Tang, but it was actually his younger brother Wu who invented it. And my baby brother drinks it every day. His shit became orange!

The invention arose when Wu Tang sought a present for his father, emperor Tang XXV, in the tradition of imperial sons trying to gain favor with the previous emporer to improve the chance of being named successor. Wu knew his father had always loved tangerines (a hybrid orange also invented during the Tang dynasty rule). However, as tangerines are tedious to peel (requring the combined efforts of ten men and five goats, Wu sought a way for the old emperor to enjoy the fine taste of tangerines without all the peeling.

After much experimentation, Wu made the first batch of Tang by air-drying tangerines and crushing them with a heavy hammer. Wu then improved the artificial taste by rehydrating the crushed tangerines and freeze-drying the resulting product through multiple cycles. Unfortunately for Wu, he accidentially inhaled the fumes during this process. Incessantly chanting "Wu, Tang, Wu, Tang...," he unthinkingly posted the entire recipe on the wall of the city gate.

Mistaking Wu's publication for an important announcement, the citizens of Peking followed his instructions and conjured up the mixture for themselves all over the country. Soon enough, Tang was consumed throughout Asia, resulting in an unprecedented, massive population explosion; and of course, the rest is history.

By some accounts, it was thought that Tang reached the western world through the famous astronaut Marco Polo. Modern historians, however, have determined that these accounts were false. It was actually Bike Mento, an early 20th century atmospheric scientist and pothead, who brought Tang to the West. Flying in helium baloons to the upper reaches of the stratosphere, he sampled traces of the Tang chemical (carried to the West by the Eastern Wind currents). He isolated the active reagent, NaCHO2; and in an idle attempt to impress his would-be girlfriend, he snorted the substance and quickly realized he could make a fortune.

Mr. Mento patented the first synthetic manufacturing process for NaCHO2 not requiring the use of real tangerines. He subsequently entered into two lucrative licensing deals, first with his formulation for Tang, which he licensed to Kraft Foods; and second with his name, which he licensed to Perfetti Van Melle. (Update: In 2006, Mr. Mentos' fortune doubled again in value through his fortuitous acquisition of stock in publicly traded Diet Coke (NYSE:DCOK).)

Even though Tang seems to have lost much of its popularity in the East, demand for Tang is unabated in the West. In the fast-paced standards of modern industrialism, factories now employ erudite monkeys who manufacture Tang by transfering tangerines into industrial dryers and then stomping them until they reach that fine, dusty powder we all know and love. (Yes, yes, Mr. Mento's original synthetic process didn't require tangerines; but if you have access to slave labor, monkeys included, then tangerines are generally more cost effective. Plus, monkeys don't vote, and PETA has sanctioned their use for slave labor inside the United States.)

Pop Culture[edit]

Pop culture references to Tang include the rap group Wu Tang Clan and the expression "Damn, I gotta get me some Poon." For additional information see rap and Muffy Puffies. Common prepared foods include the Tangwich and Tangies (recipes below).

Mass Consumption[edit]

The delicious chemical substrate (NaCHO2), synthesized for its citrus flavor and refreshing power, can be ground into powder and mixed with water for drink, or snorted. Watch out for strung-out monkeys when Tang is present, as they are known to rip off one's testicles, face, and/or gouge out eyeballs for a fix.

Alien Sightings[edit]

Extraterrestrial life forms have been seen drinking Tang, an unstoppable addiction they aquired after recovering excess supplies jettisoned from the Apollo 11 shortly before burning up on re-entry to Earth's atmosphere. (Blame Neil Armstrong.)

Medicinal Benefits of Tang Discovered[edit]

Tang has been shown in recent studies to provide relief from certain ailments such as sexual devastation. In addition to being an obvious quick fix for sufferers of scurvy, Tang cures polio, shingles, lupus, typhoid fever, and most importantly, the runs. Tang has also been proven effective against herpes, AIDS, and certain kinds of cancer. (Warning: It is still possible to spread herpes and AIDS even during treatment. For more information, ask your doctor about Tang). It should be noted that the best way to consume tang is to directly huff it into your nose; otherwise it's just fake orange juice

Associated Side-Effects; Risks of Tang; Evaluating tang[edit]

Consistent with historical accounts of emperor Tang XXVI's untimely demise, modern clinical trials have independently demonstrated that consumption of Tang can cause blindness in teenagers, laboratory technicians, and assorted other self-styled Tang "emperors." Please consume Tang responsibly under the supervision of a licensed physician. An overstorage of Tang powder may cause the entirety of makind to transmutate into Tang.

To evaluate the tanginess of any particular substance, it is best to use the International scale of tang. Be careful, it's a potent weapon.

Recipies[edit]

The Buzz Aldrin

  • 1 oz of whiskey,
  • 1 Tbs Tang
  • 1 Handful of Jizz

Pour 1oz of whiskey into shot glass. Add 1 Tbs of Tang into shot glass, stirring with a straw until most of the Tang has dissolved. Throw it back and be sure to enjoy the gritty sludge dribbling from the shot glass afterward. Great for making cheap whiskeys tolerable!

Tangwich

  • 2 Slices of bread (White or Wheat, White preferred),
  • 1/2 cup Tang
  • Mayonnaise to taste
  • 1/2 handful of Jizz

Take one slice of bread, coat liberally with mayonnaise, and pour dry tang onto the bread, Take the other slice of bread and cover. Pinch the edges of the bread together all the way around. This step is vitally important to prevent the Tang from falling out. Enjoy.

Welsh Tangbit

  • 1 lb. or .5 Kg of spicy Italian sausage,
  • 1/2 Cup or 250ml of Tang (Dry)
  • Toast
  • One couch, wooden bed frame or other combustible substance
  • 1 skillet
  • Tang (but not that wimpy sugar-free formulation)
  • 1 handful of Sheep Jizz

Under an electric range, set couch or other upholseterd item(s) aflame. Upon obtaining sufficient heat output, brown sausage in large skillet. Remove to serving plate. Add Tang to leftover skillet grease, mixing well to form that delicate sauce (known as TangyGravy). Take care to remove from heat immediately prior to sugar carmelization, around 230 degrees Fahrenheit. Place sausages on toast; TangyGravy to taste. Serve hot.

Tangies

  • 1 recipe for brownies from scratch
  • 1 canister Tang
  • Just a pinch of Jizz

Add entire contents of canister to the brownie mix. Optionally leave out chocolate. You may also choose to make "Magic Tangies".

The Tang-Over

Julia Childs, who brazenly ripped off this recipe from Irma Rombauer, recommends consuming after a long night of heavy kitten huffing.

  • 40oz Steel Reserve or Olde English 800
  • 1 cup Rice Krispees
  • 1 unwashed bowl
  • 3 Advil
  • Tang to taste
  • any Jizz you can get your hands on!

Recover unwashed bowl from sink; pass under stream of water to remove the bits of whatever-it-was that you were eating last night. Open beer with teeth. Pour Rice Krispees. Advil. Tang too. Eat. Oh no. Hold it in, come on baby, you can do it. You gotta absorb that Advil! Oh, Dear God, No. (Muffled silence.) Okay, just repeat after me: liquor to beer, never fear. Beer to liquor, never ughlgh... (I don't feel so good...)

Coke-tang

  • 1 cup tang
  • 1 clean razor blade ( or dirty, doesnt matter )
  • 1 straw ( a rolled up label from the tang container can be used for added effect )
  • 2 pieces of toilet paper
  • 1 adrenaline shot

Pour entire cup of Tang on table. Use razor blade to chop up into a finer powder, if possible. Use straw to inhale through nose (for greater effect, try inhaling as fast as possible with as much tang as possible). After a couple of minutes of sugar shock and shortend breath, procede to place toilet paper up your nostrils to prevent massive blood loss. Depending on how much tang has been snorted, you may need an adrenaline shot for revival. Side effects include orange nostrils, shortend attention span, shortened breath, shortened life, high blood pressure, and slurred speech.

See Also[edit]