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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Tango.

Tango is a fun dance you can learn. It comes from a foreign country called Argentina and has nothing to do with sex.


Origins (Tango 1.0)[edit]

There are three different theories as to the origin of this dance.

The most prevalent theory, proposed by the eminent historian "Che" Gitarra, is that the dance today known as tango evolved in Argentina from a dance named tango argentino.

The other theories are rubbish and were invented by Uruguayans and are therefore not discussed here.

According to the holy book of La Boca (which Che Gitarra wrote himself), when God created Argentina, he put 300 million men there but not one woman. This is why Argentine culture is so machissimo. When the Argentines realised what a cruel trick God had played on them, they developed an intense desire for women and sex. The desire for women was so strong that even the gay guys developed it. To express this, the Argentines wrote music using an ancient mechanical torture device called the bangooleon. This was the beginning of tango (also called tango 1.0).

Beta release (Tango 1.1)[edit]

In order to more fully satisfy their sexual desires, the men frequented brothels. As there were no women in Argentina, there were no hookers to work in the brothels. However, the men did not realise this immediately but satisfied their desires with the bangooleon. They also danced (with one another) to the music of the bangooleon (created mostly by the creaking of the springs of the bed caused by other men satisfying their desires, known as tango 1.1). This is why tango music (from version 1.1 upwards) is so rythmical. All the steps taught in lessons 1 to 6 (Wednesday classes) originated in this period. They have been changed somewhat however to hide their disrepuatble origins.

Childhood and education[edit]

When the tango was a young boy, the first woman came to Argentina. She was called Evita Peron and brought with her another young boy called Carlos Gardel who was (according to Che Gitarra) her son born in Toulouse, France, but (according to Oscar Wilde) he was also his brother and born in Uruguay. To this day the Argentines and Uruguayans are fighting over whether Carlos Gardel was himself or his brother. Modern day experts believe both theories to be correct and it has been proven by Ron Hubbard that he was born in two places simultaneously. This must be true because it says so in the Internet.

The boy's father was called Adamito Peron, but not much is known about him, except that he was involved in an incident with a serpentito, a manzanito and diosito. He never made it to Argentina.

Due to the large number of brothels and complete absence of women, Evita didn't have any trouble finding a job (despite being ugly). However, contrary to what many people think, she was not a whore. In fact she never had sex at all. She became very rich, however, and went on to have many other children, including many girls. This solved the shortage of women and hence the men stopped dancing with one another and started dancing with the girls and having sex with them (when the girls were old enough, or so we are told). This led to the invention of the steps taught in lessons 7 to 12 (Tuesday classes only).

Las Malvinas[edit]

Despite the controversy over Gardel's place of birth being solved, the Argentines don't want to miss the opportunity of fighting the Uruguayans and hence continue to reject Hubbard's theory. They are also pretty peeved that the Uruguayans pre-composed the first and most famous of tangos, la cumparthita, seventeen years before the Argentinians re-composed it and 125 years before Astor Piazolla decomposed it. The Argentine army therefore regularly attack Uruguay with bandooleons. Once they got lost in the fog and conquered some islands called Las Malvinas (The Forklands) by mistake and sunk these. This is why the Argentines hate the British. The Forklands are of course off the coast of Scotland so it is logical they should be British but Argentines are too stupid to understand that.

These steps are taught in lessons 12 to 17.

Musical development[edit]

Carlos Gardel went on to become a famous singer and composer and the first president of Argentina. He composed "Silencio", a tango consisting entirely of silence. This piece became popular with people who didn't otherwise approve of tango, or indeed of brothels or bangooleons, and led to the dance's success across the world. Also, the bangooleon was replaced by a more modern instrument with so many buttons that nobody who isn't from Argentina has ever figured out how to play it. It was called bandamoolian after a Uruguayan inventor and pacificst called Adolfo Hitlero di Parmigiano i Gorgonzola who came to live in Argentina some time in 1945. Some people say his real name was not Adolfo Hitlero di Parmigiano i Gorgonzola but that he adopted this name to hide his identity. His real name is a subject of much conjecture but it could be he was an Austrian statesman called Oscar Wilde. The steps invented in this period are generally taught in lessons 17 to 24 (Wednesday group) or 16 to 22 (Thursday group).

The golden years[edit]

Carlos Gardel was killed when his aeroplane hit an especially high note in thick fog (historians are still debating whether this was the same fog that led to the crisis on Las Malvinas). Some people, however, claim it was hijacked by a Forkland penguin named Tux. This was not the end of tango however, as other musicians started to appear. These were mostly called Anibal (El Canibalo) Troilo, but there was one called Astor Piazolla. Astor Piazolla thought that dancers were getting too smart so he made the music more complicated by adding extra buttons to the bangooleon. These steps are taught in private classes only. Ask your teacher for more information (the prerequisite is courses 1 to 20).

The junta[edit]

Following the death of Gardel, Argentina was taken over by a junta of evil generals in sunglasses. They had names such as Belgrano, Entre Rios, Borat and Saruman. The evil generals tried to ban the tango and anybody caught dancing it was tortured with a bangdoolean and sometimes killed by syncopation or being led into the cross, or worse still, sent to live on Las Malvinas (the Forklands) where they became British and hence totally mad.

Tango nuevo (Tango 2.0)[edit]

Tango 1.1 was getting old, so the Argentines decided to throw it away and make a new tango. They liked Piazolla so they didn't throw him away but kept him to start the new tango (tango 2.0). All the other stuff they threw away however. To mark the departure of tango 1.1, Piazolla composed a piece called Adios Nonino (Nonino meaning old tango), and to make sure the old stuff remained forgotten he composed a tune called Oblivion. The wherabouts of the Nonino is hence shrouded in mysery. Whereas Che Gitarra has claimed it was eaten by a giant jellyfish, the Uruguayan historian David Irving claims it was stolen by a Paraguayan-Zionist conspiracy and changed into Hugo Chavez. Irving was arrested and imprisoned in Austria for having said this.

Piazolla, however, continued to compose new tunes, all of which were called Milonga de l'Angel. He became so popular that he became president of Argentina. He kicked out the evil generals and took away their sunglasses and bandooleons. He then invited smart asses like Kreal Krayenhof to compose some new music which nobody really likes but are too-stuck up to admit they don't like.

The future of tango[edit]

Astor Piazolla will live for ever which is bad news for those who don't like his music.

Learning to dance[edit]

Tango is incredibly difficult to learn which is a good thing as out of work Argentines can get jobs as dancing instructors and go and on teaching the same things all over again.

Whereas it is pointless to learn to dance tango properly, it is worthwhile learning just enough to be able to bluff your way. Tango courses are also a good venue to pick up girls. Although this is cheaper than going to brothels, most dancers will invest the money they save in expensive shoes which is rather stupid.

Dancing techniques[edit]

Tango dancing consists of a combination of leading your partner into the cross, pulling her hair, kicking her shins, groping her breasts and crotch, and trying to make her trip over the bangooleon.

There are two different styles of dancing. The open embrace which is wrong, and the closed embrace which is also wrong but more fun because you get to feel the woman's breasts. Surprisingly, most people want to learn the closed embrace.

Good dancers get to have sex with the woman afterwards. Other dancers are losers and whiners who don't. This is the only motivation for improving your dancing skills.

One particular technique, whose history continues to be shrouded in mystery and a constant source of frustration for beginners as well much debate in general is the issue of hip placement, more commonly referred to as, ass-tucked or ass-out? One theory appears to have the "ass-out" theory as a relatively new development in Tango, emerging around the time of the military juntas departure as a means of showing solidarity with the sentiment "my ass is free", largely begun as a political statement and a resounding rejection of the military junta who it is widely believed did not have good asses. The movement has now given way to what is now being referred to as the "bootilicious" generation of dancers exemplified by Geraldine Rojas and Noelia Hurtado.

The competing theory is that the "ass-out theory" is actually a construct that was "enforced " by the military itself since the ass-tuck theory has been known to produce many unwanted pregnancies (how this has come about is actually still fairly vague though it appears to be having to do with proximity and not attractiveness) and the military junta was adamant that tango dancers not reproduce, going so far as to insist their hips were min. 12" apart at all times. Therefore "ass tucked" is considered by many to be a throwback to the original intent of Tango (tango1.1 see bed creaking) and thereby considered more politically correct. However, those whose minds are still unmade may wish to employ another oft debated technique (heel first or ball first) of landing on the heel, rolling through the entire foot to finally arrive at the ball, all the while employing their entire range of backward forward thrusting motion of the hips thereby offending virtually everyone but also encompassing every possible position of backward forward hip placement and thereby continuing to keep ones feelings on the matter private.

Interesting facts and trivia[edit]

- Tuesday lessons start in September.

- If you are not from Argentina, you can never dance tango properly.

- If you are from Argentina, you know everything about tango, even if you've never danced it.

- If you are not from Argentina, you shouldn't even talk about tango.

- It is wrong to count to 8, unless you start with 2 and take your first step sideways, except on Tuesdays when you count to six but start at five and use your left foot right in the cross by rotating your axis.

- Visitors to Argentina have reported that there are now also brothels without bandooleons but with real hookers. Some of them are even good looking (the hookers that is, not the bandooneols). It is therefore no longer strictly necessary to learn tango to gain admittance to such places.

- When a woman is too old to work as a hooker, she can still find a job as a bandooneol. In fact 165% of bandoleoks are recycled Geishas.

- The official language of Argentina is not Spanish as is often believed, but an Italian dialect called Lunfardo consisting almost entirely of rude words. As this makes it rather awkward for normal conversation, most people use Spanish instead.

- Never ever mention the Forklands.

- Never ever ever mention the Gotan Project.

- Las Malvinas are named after French sailors who came from the French town of St. Malo but who were stranded on the Forklands when their ship was sunk by a stray bandooleon. Before that nobody had ever been to Las Malvinas.

- Despite this, they were previously British.

- The shipwrecked French sailors who colonised Las Malvinas invented the Gotan Project to annoy the Argentines.

- Their leader was called Maggie Thatcher.

- When Scottish troops captured the islands from the Argentines, they fought back against the banddoleons by playing the Gotan Project on their bagpipes. This is why they were victorious.

- The Scots are the only nation to have ever defeated the Argentines.

- The Argentine army has hired some retired nazi scientists to secretly work on a new instrument called the Bagpiponeon which combines the strengths of both instruments. Diego Maradonna will then lead an army of these to invade North Korea. Argentina will then win the World Cup and take back Las Malvinas. If you can't find any information on this on the Internet, it shows how secret it is.

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