Tape recorder

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“I want to play a game”

~ JigSaw on Your Current Predicament

The tape recorder is a plastic box used to record to sounds, or used for filming. Mostly spies, ninjas, or film makers use these. But only if they're impoverished due to living in some Third World country or something. Or some whining fuckstick who bleats on about the analogue warmth inherent in such crappy media. Modern, sensible people use digital recording for its quality of "not sounding like complete shit".


The first tape recorder was first used in 1482 to film Tom Cruise's great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather in the classic Mission Impossible. Leonardo Da Vinci hated the movie, and threw pie at the film makers, and soon everyone forgot about tape recorders. In 1885, a kid going fishing reeled in his line and found the ancient tape recorder. He ran out into the streets to tell his mom, but he got run over by a horse. The tape recorder was buried in dirt after the horse ran over it.

But, in the 1950's, a kid trying to dig to the other side of the Earth found the huge ancient tape recorder, and sent it to scientists who took the credit, and said it was powered by "batteries". Some people figured out how it worked (see below) but the scientists sent them to a mental institute. Now people are finding them everywhere, and are sending them to stores. Apparently, Area 51 was sending them to a alien mothership, but the truck dropped them when it was going around the country.

How they work[edit]

Everyone believes these boxes are made from "wires" and "plastic", but they are really made of an (almost) indestructible plastic. There are pixies inside with really good memory that remember any sounds or images when it's on. After the replay button is pushed, the pixies use voice changers and costumes and repeat anything heard or seen.

Warning. Do not use duct tape or masking tape in your tape recorder. Also, tape recorders are not very good at recording tape.

Types of tape recorders[edit]

There is a wide variety of tape recorders. The ones not recommended for spying are the large multitrack ones, and if you're a ninja, you're bound to fall of the roof with one of these. The multitrack ones have more memory and can record more things, though. The smaller tape recorders are more likely to have slacker pixies, which means you have to torture them more, but it's smaller. sunii

Use of tape recorders[edit]

There are many uses of tape recorders. If you happen to be spying, you need tape recorders for sure. When you're filming something, you also need this. If you're a ninja, use a tape recorder as a weapon and a spying tool! Another great way of using it is to stick it in your microwave - whatever remains makes a great sandwich filling!

Problems with tape recorders[edit]

What a really bad tape recorder looks like. If a tape recorder looks like this, you have to burn it.

The problem with tape recorders is the fact that the pixies may not actually pay attention when turned on. When the tape recorder doesn't work, the pixies were probably drinking beer and smoking the whole time. The way to fix this is to torture them. The best method is to press the record button, throw it into a bomb shelter, and throw a CD player in there with Hilary Duff playing.

There have also been a few cases where someone has had a tape recorder up their nose. There has been one recorded incident of a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose.

See also[edit]