Taylor Hicks

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“Is it time for my wax appointment?”

“Why dont i get any attention?!? not even a distraction?!?!?”

~ Talor Hick's grey hair on attention

“When he starts singing, his impressions of me are fucking gold!”

“I'm quite proud of my son. ”

American Music Awards
Taylor Hicks about to learn a thing or two about Earth economics.

Taylor Hicks (born October 7, 1976) was the world's most successful disabled person, having pursued a successful gymnastics and tumbling career despite his dual diagnosis of Tourettes Syndrome and Parkinsons' Disease.

Personal Life[edit]

Taylor Hicks was hatched from an egg on Octembruary 38th, 1522, on a far away planet. He was the illegitimate love child of aliens George Clooney and Jay Leno. On his 20th birthday, he came to Earth riding a large rutebega. Once there, he began plotting his takeover of the universe. He toiled as a menial laboror for hundreds of years in the pizza mines of Argentina. During this period of his life, he would bide his time, preparing the world for an apocalyptic fury of Biblical proportion. Eventually, he realized how to bring about man's undoing. In 2006, he became a contestant on a popular reality show, American Idol. Taking his human form, he entered the contest. Using the mind-control he inherited from his OverGod, he inserted subliminal messages into his performances. People began to believe in him. Improbably, Hicks, (or Klarvviiriiham in his native tongue) won the American Idol contest. This made him the second non-human to win the American Idol contest. (Macho Man Randy Savage being the first) As a part of his victory celebration, he unleashed a torrent of tentacles and proceeded with his traditional Feasting Ceremony, using the members of the audience. The ensuing slaughter endeared him to the hearts of the public, especially after clips were shown on that night's ESPN SportsCenter.

The Soul Patrol[edit]

Taylor Hicks prepares to feast upon the life force of a willing fan.

As a part of his other-worldly feeding rituals, Hicks must devour human souls at the rate of about three per day. As he grows in power, he will likely need more nourishment. This once-difficult task of feeding upon the souls of the living was made easier due to his success on American Idol. Many fans, unaware of his true heritage, began to track him (almost like a wild animal). Upon meeting their hero, he takes them away to a quiet, secluded area, and begins the sacrificial ritual. Soon, his followers came to call themselves the Soul Patrol, offering themselves willingly to become his food. This bizarre cult of alien-worshippers not only sacrifice themselves to allay Hicks' hunger, but they also kidnap random people from the streets. This, along with the many willing inductees into the Soul Patrol, ensures a constant stream of life energy to feed from. Many fans join the Soul Patrol willingly. Once they are at the Soul Patrol compound, however, they can never return to their homes. While most will become food, some will be enlisted to toil in his service of menial labor, and others still will recruit new members to the group.


Ostensibly a place for Hicks fans to know about his latest activities, it's actually an elaborate trap set by Hicks supporters to induct members into his Soul Patrol cult. Upon reading the website a certain number of times (no one knows how many), Hicks can get a psychic fix on the location of any user. He then telepathically orders them to come to his service. The visitor to the site will then embark on a life-altering quest to meet Hicks. This generally leads to a disastrous encounter with the Soul Patrol and their Secret Police.

On American Idol[edit]

One of the many gods of Taylor Hicks' homeplanet.

Due to his unusual look, his alien-like dances, and his singing, Hicks won the American Idol contest, beating out the other humans. Quoted backstage following the victory, Hicks replied, "Gvaa, Rulo bventirr gnobble greck!" (Translation: Now, I shall rule Earth) He then proceeded to eat Ryan Seacrest.

Post American Idol[edit]

Taylor Hicks' secret is almost discovered.

Following his achievement on the show, he released a self-titled CD, which contains subliminal messages to sacrifice oneself to the good of Hicks. The CD was released nation-wide on December 12 of 2006. The CD mainly consists of doomsday prophecies in an alien tongue, disguised as music. Before and after his CD was released he made appearances (in his human form) on shows, such as Christmas at Rockfeller, Ellen, and Christmas in Washington. He also appeared on the show hosted by his mother, Jay Leno. His life has changed enough to the point that he has been dubbed, People Magazine's "Hottest Bachelor," though it's unclear if one must be human to obtain this title. His CD went on to sell poorly, as most Americans did not understand the garbled language of Hicks' homeworld. Dejected and humiliated, he retreated to the Soul Patrol compound to plan a plague upon mankind.


These are various songs that have been made famous by Taylor Hicks, or have been written or sung by him.

  • Prayer to Jeelbreen, Fifth Overlord of Triumvirate Six
  • Klarvviiriiham is the Sultan of Earth
  • Gaze Upon Me
  • Locusts
  • Havo Gnarr Grak
  • We Krunked Up
  • Purifying Fire

What You Might Not Know[edit]

  • Taylor was the all-mighty Potato Man. On his planet, potatoes are a rare trading commodity. It is said that he horded them in the hopes of returning to his planet as a King.
  • He got the scar on his chin in 1821 after an angry mob discovered him in his true form.
  • He used the harmonica to entrance people into delivering him their souls.
  • Was the only white man who can, in fact, dance. This is due to his alien heritage. On his homeplanet, everyone can dance.
  • Had slept with all female members of the Top 12 season 5 of American Idol. Using his powers of telepathy and mind control, he could convince women to strip naked for no good reason. He often did this for his own twisted amusement.
  • Katharine Mcphee is pissed off at Taylor because she wonders how she and her huge boobs lost to a man who looks like he's 50. Of course, she is unaware of Hicks' far-reaching telepathic powers.
  • Taylor Hicks was also a big fat chicken that runs around in pink diapers.
  • Although he seemed normal, he definitely had one quirk. In late March, 2006, Elliott Yamin was seem running from the men's restroom in horror because he had sighted Hicks sitting backward on the toilet taking a shit.