Team Fortress 2

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Team Fortress 2 is a virtual war themed hat simulator created by Faucet for those in the wider hat-disabled community because they felt that the original Team Fortress didn't appeal to the large hatless community. It primarily involves two teams (individually coloured RED or BLU and possibly more teams will be added to complete the gay rainbow) of opposing players, fighting over various areas to prove that their manhood is actually better than the other team. The debate goes as follows: My gun is better than your gun! No MY gun is better! So and and so forth until both teams are smashed into a bloody pulp and a pointless win separates the winners from the losers.

How a typical Team Fortress 2 match ends.

Story Overview[edit]

Charlie Sheen; unable to believe that anyone has more libido than he does, hides in his sweater.

It 1822, Triplets BLUtarch, REDmond and GRAY Mann (notice the shameless colour puns) were born to world famous arms dealer and gun runner Zepheniah Mann owner of the Mannly Condom arms company. Gray Mann is cast out by his family because he is the ugly duckling and is promptly carried off by an Eagle to become bird man. Ashamed that Gray was going to become a better ducky than he ever was, Gray was referred to casually as 'You-Know-Who' in mixed public. This left his two other children completely open to the position of world's biggest suck-up. They each convinced their ailing father to buy gravel pits so that they could play in the gravel to showcase their amazing gravelcastle skills and out-do the other sibling, hoping to seize control over the company for themselves once Zepheniah died. Once he did die however, they had reached an end to the gravel frolicking buisness and decided just to use a team of mercs to seize control over the other brother's gravel pits. This did not work, as they both thought of the same idea and it had reached another stalemate. They recruited an engineer to make a life-extending machine that re-energized them with an orgasm so powerful, it brought them back to life hoping to outlive their sibling. Another stalemate, and as they were fighting over the gravel, they did not realize that the company was being controlled by an Australian by the name of BallSaxton Hale. He ran Mannly Condoms behind the scenes and enlisted Hillary Clinton to be his Administrator to fuel the war between the two teams of mercs. Finally, Gray Mann returned with an even better life extender that fills him with a sex drive that is more powerful than Charlie Sheen's, and an army of illegal immigrants to take control of Mannly Condoms so that he will be the greatest ducky that ever lived. He also kills Redmond and Blutarch with the sheer might of his lawyers suing them for the copyright infringment of their names on the cold war.

Game Modes[edit]

Capture the Flag[edit]

In Capture the Flag the two teams have hidden the entire stash of the other team's office supplies (eg. staplers, pens, cofee paper etc.) in anywhere from three to a hundred glowing briefcases, and the engineer guarding the briefcase (referred to as the pissed-off office supplies clerk on allergy medication) will have to be taken down before anyone can get the supplies they need to obtain paid annual leave.

Control Points[edit]

The two teams must find the multiple glowing spots on the ground before the giant cat finds it. The glowing dots must be stood on, teabagged repeatedly and shot at before finally being captured. No giant spots were harmed in the making of this game mode.

Territorial Control[edit]

Where territorial control's head usually ends up.

Too unpopular to be considered a game mode. It is usually shoved into lockers, given mean text messages and given swirlies by the more popular game modes.

King of the Hill[edit]

Two teams, one control point, no it's not THAT kind of game mode. This game mode features the two teams trying to fight over the affections of one point, and conquering it using any tactics necessary. On second thought, maybe it IS that kind of game mode.


The RED team (ie. the U.S anti-terrorist team) has to try and stop the BLU team (ie. terrorists anonymous) delivering a bomb into their bomb-hole. If that doesn't sound like figurative rape, I don't know what does.

Payload Race[edit]

Pretty much the same thing as payload but this time the U.S. is giving as good as they get. So much for equality.

Arena Mode[edit]


Special Delivery[edit]

The two teams must deliver a golden briefcase to a giant rocket for a monkey. This game mode was added to improve the 'intelligent' feel to the game.

Mann vs Machine[edit]

This mode makes you join forces with other certifiable retards (ie. the entire U.K. population) to try fight for your jobs against robots (ie. illegal imigrants). Following the release of this game mode, border security had to make a giant advertising campaign saying that they were all on a unified donut break to try to cover up their mistake.



The Sham-Wow guy finally makes it in the gaming world. He is portrayed as a guy who enjoys swinging his 'bat' into other guys. Sometimes he bats for the wrong team. Warning, this guy was voted most likely to be a weirdo in high school.


The Scout was caught in possession of drugs recently, most notably speed. The drugs what makes him so annoying and jittery and give him his irritating double-jump ability.


The Russian equivalent of Duke Nukem, except he's overweight, balding and slow-witted, he might actually be Britney Spears.


The Heavy likes his miniguns, a little too much. A popular way to blackmail him is to threaten to leak the X-rated video that was filmed at the christmas party.


The only doctor to exercise what he believes to be his constitutional right to perform a full body cavity search on every single one of his patients, the medic is often called muddy hands by his colleagues because he claims that he enjoys gardening. At least I hope that's mud.


Not his strongest point. In fact, the only reason he was hired was because he was a successful rectal thermometer salesman. I don't know what's in the pills that he gives to his colleagues, but it probably came from a bottle in a public restroom.


Favourite saying: Erecting a dispenser! Never a good sign, but you never know with these kind of people.


Like most southerners He sits back with a gun and waits for Enemies to approach him. Except he can drink a beer and let the gun do his work for him making him the worlds greatest boy scout because of his amazing camping skills. Call of Duty noobs write this down, there WILL be a test.


The Black, one-eyed, Scotsman. I think it's pretty safe to assume that he was never made fun of in school.


The Demoman uses his explosive farts bottled up in tiny little jars as projectiles that he pegs into the enemy's face to start off a big rush to find the nearest radiation decontamination station while the demoman hides in the corner doing who-knows-what while still remaining relatively safe.


The unofficial third member of Team Rocket. He shoots for the stars and the moon, and then at his feet which promptly shot him to the moon and blew off both his legs and he was seeing stars from all the blood-loss. This was probably why he was edited out in most episodes of pokemon.

Rocket Jumping[edit]

The Soldier is actually clinically insane. He runs an extremely lucrative travelling bullet circus, and the main act is a bunch of high-explosive rockets jumping through hoops.


What the Spy does best.

A master of the art of surprise butt-sex. He makes sure that the rubber duck he squishes up your ass stays there.


He'll call up you and all your girlfriends to a party and pretend to be your best friend, but when Loraine says she'll invite one person to her slumber-party, he will immediately backstab you just to get with the popular girls. Then he'll steal your lunchbox and your boyfriend Brad (ewww). Guaranteed Bitch.


The Australian who's aim is so good, he can hit a target with a jar of his period from fifty-paces.

Relationship with Dora the Explorer[edit]

Originally he was called Swiper, but his frequent attempts to steal Dora and Boot's belongings were always met with failure. He changed his name to Alfred Dicksworth, his paternal grandfather's name hoping to boost ratings by forcing Dora to say DICKSWORTH NO DICKING!! He eventually was booed off stage and became a janitor. When he was ridiculed again he decided to take drastic measures and became a sniper to blow off Dora's stupid spanish head.


The gas masked assailant who puts the burn in Mr Burns. No wait, that's Smithers. Who are we talking about again?

Recent work on Top Gear[edit]

The Pyro was the original Stig, but got voted off the island on Survivor so he was fired from his job at Top Gear. He was subsequently replaced by a new white Stig, and now plots his revenge against the British Nazis that scorned him by using a flamethrower and concealing his identity with a gas mask instead of his customary racing helmet.

Additional Content[edit]

What the idiots who buy the crappy hats at the Mannly Condom store think they have.

Team Fortress 2 also uses the Steam overlay system so that you can use your overpriced 'gaming mouse', stupid Team Fortress classic themed keyboard and a headset to scream verbal abuse at your team-mates. You can also spray paint pictures onto the maps to further add to the feeling of virtual domination over the other players and showcase just how much of a whiny bitch you really are. Hats are available for purchase from the Mannly Condom store for large amounts of money. They provide no benefits besides showing your team mates that you are gullible enough to buy the worthless crap being sold by the Mannly Condom store.