Ted Danson

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Ted Danson.


Ted Danson: Cheese, or God?[edit]

Ted Danson, known by most as King of the Noodle Imps has been missing for over 29,000 years now. Since the Great Cheese Grater Incident of '69 he has been pretty elusive. Though he has been seen smashing rocks in Southern Minsk by Hans the butter elf.

The Hunt For Danson

Danson...that slippery bastard

Everyone has tried to find Ted, and normally failed in either being smelted or absorbed by the shoe gnomes of southern France.

Though one man has stepped up to find him...

Chuck Norris, teaming up with his sex slave/cheese provider MyGyver have decided to travel to G'Dansk to try and find him


Danson and Pesci[edit]

It is believed that in the years 1999 to 4007 Ted Danson and the zen Budist Joe Pesci were in a secret sexuall realtionship, which allegedly involved a dog, two Steven Seagal dvds and Kiefer Sutherland.

It is reported by a blind chimp that during that era, many thosands of innocent shoe makers were lured to there deaths by the haunting melody that Joe Pesci sings during any event involving Steven Seagal, and therefore held every two minutes in the world is the shoe maker memorial day, the highlight of this event being the killing of all shoe makers and Baldwin brothers.

The Truth[edit]

Ted Danson and his Pants[edit]

It is common knowledge that Ted Danson owns up 75,000 pairs of leather pants. What isn't known that he and his friend Joseph Francesco DeLores Eliot Pesci like to burn them. Pants burning is not allowed, it has been banned from America, Finland and Minsk. It was a cover up story for why he really got arrested that day in Minsk. He didn't really kill that guy from Happy Days, he was pants burning.

Ted Danson was sent to rehab, to help him stop his sick, twisted and uncomforting addiction. Ted Danson was known to have escaped several times and burnt down a pants factory, a pants bar and a pants "pants". Joseph Francesco DeLores Eliot Pesci was never found. People say he lives in a cave and feeds on passing travelers. Ted Danson was let out fully recovered last year. The stress of recovery has turned his hair grey. "Now you know the truth of Ted Danson"

The David Schwimmer Ass Theory[edit]

Ted Danson became fluent in jazz thanks to a large amount of time spent with Kelsey Grammer on the set of 'Cheers'. Danson was eventually hailed as the greatest jazz musician of all time, yet he always claimed to hate the art. In a world exclusive interview on Joe Pesci's Jazz Night, Danson stated, with an air of intensity:

"It's difficult to explain. Just imagine, David Schwimmer is bent over, and you can see his ass, bare. And there's a guy standing there with a gun, saying "Climb into David Schwimmer's ass or I'll kill you and your family." So you grease yourself up, and start trying to push your head into David Schwimmer's ass. It's disgusting, the blood, the stench. David Schwimmer's screaming in horrible, horrible agony, and finally, your head gets into his ass. And you realise, you don't have a wife and family, and nobody actually asked you to do this. That's what it's like to play jazz."

The Death of David Schwimmer

Danson later made another appearance on the Joe Pesci's Jazz Night, in which David Schwimmer was a surprise guest. After much violent persuasion from Pesci, they eventually tried out the theory live on the show. This caused the death of David Schwimmer. It is reported that a few members of the audience died in their seats from choking on their own vomit, while the other half committed suicide later that night. Ricky Martin, however, who was in the audience at the time, stated in an interview: "I really liked it."

Pesci and Danson attempted to cover up the mess by performing an improvised duet. The song performed by them went on to be a hit in Russia, and has recently became the National Anthem of five different countries.

Ted Danson and Jay Leno's Chin[edit]

Ted Danson is a big fan of the Jay Leno show, he has been watching it since it starter in 1745. Ted Danson finally came on to the show in 1867. They were discussing about the new film he was in called “Once upon a Pesci.” It was nominated for 16 Oscars and won 17. The film was a classic love story, with love, passion, betrayal and grease.

After the show went off air Ted Danson revealed to Jay Leno that he was in love with his chin. Ted Danson even went one step further by offering Jay Leno’s chin to go back to his place for some coffee and stuff. Apparently things got wild at Ted Danson’s place. There was a heated game of scrabble, a moist game of Jenga and had an orgasmic wrestling match. During the match Dale Cooper’s chin walked in. Ted Danson also had an interest in the Coop’s chin. The Coop’s chin is a roommate of Ted Danson. It was reported that there was a heated argument that lead to a threesome. To this day Jay Leno’s chin and Ted Danson are still together. The Coop’s chin got together with Joe Pesci. Like Joe Pesci would say “there’s no way you can lose”.

Movie Career[edit]


In the year 163.95, Danson stared in the cult Kung fu/World War 2 drama entitled "Three Men and a Pesci", in which he and two other unknown stage actors played a team of stripers trying to make it big in the glitz and glamour of the Minsk Hockey playing scene during the French revolution.

Its was this colossal acting ability that led to his success in Hollywood, staring in other such films as, The Onion Pesci, Just Between Pescis, A Fine Pesci, Made in Pesci and of course, Pesci Pesci Pesci.

However, Danson is best know for his TV work, specifically hard hitting north Korean dramas such as Cheers, which deals with the issues of racism towards trees.