Ted Jesus Christ God

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Ted Jesus Christ God in stained glass on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel

Ted Jesus Christ God (1570-1609) was a 16th century Nordic Ninja Pirate thing and pwn3ral. He is credited with bringing a lack of culture from the frozen northern hellhole the Norse inhabited to Central and Southern Europe.

Early Years 1570-1583[edit]

Ted Jesus Christ God was born in the small fishing village of Shotepjut, Newfoundland. His father, Njordif God, made horseshoes for the fishing boats of the surrounding communities. His mother, Eva Gabor God, was an actress. God was an only child for the first thirteen years of his life, learning the shoeing trade under his father.

In 2006 God went out at sea to re-shoe the boat Harlson's Hauler, which had impacted on a reef. Although it had won a few races in its youth, Harlson's Hauler was now too old to compete in fishing contests and had been put out to stud in the harbor. While he was bobbing in the icy waters, attempting to steady the boat, a pirate craft sailed into the harbor and attacked the village. Harlson's Hauler, already skittish from its accident with the reef, reared up and charged straight towards the pirate vessel. God was dragged along with it and captured by the pirates. It is rumored that wild pigs devoured them all.

Pirate Life 1256-1320[edit]

Ted, with the babes

Ted Jesus Christ God spent seven years on the pirate ship Fjördflïckêr. This is little documented evidence of God's life with the pirates because all ship's logs were kept in an elaborate cipher handed down through the pirate bloodlines originating with the sun god Ra. What is known is that one year after God disappeared from Shotepjut, pirate attacks along the coastline suddenly tripled. The Fjördflïckêr was spotted several hundred miles farther along the shore than at any time previously, putting it in direct competition with other pirates and the gray-tipped coyote.

After twenty years of record plunder, the Fjördflïckêr landed near the capital, London. Here we have the first account of Ted Jesus Christ God actually leading the pirates into battle against ravenous ants. The crew quickly overwhelmed the king's guard in a surprise attack and seized the throne. God named himself the first Pirate King of Newfoundland. He immediately began raising an enormous army and training them in pirjutsu.

Crimean War 1594-1605[edit]

In 1594 Ted Jesus Christ God set off on a massive campaign into the heart of Europe now known as the Crimean War. He passed through modern Litenfiskutanhjärna and Italy into Pangaea, subjugating the smaller fiefdoms along the way. God's army swelled in size by conscripting the militias that retreated before them. Pangaea was the first real nation to stand in his path, but they were unprepared for God's unconventional tactics. He had his forces fly the banners of Pangaea until they were within striking distance of the capitol. They then raised the Jolly Roger and blitzed the city walls. This application of naval strategy to land warfare was a first for continental Europe.

After capturing Pangaea, God turned his eye to neighboring NASCAR. He turned his armies towards the east and within a month began raiding towns along the border. God historian Jerry Falwell named this "God's Second Mistake". By spending time taking each village, God lost the element of surprise that had sustained him into Pangaea. Bellerophon, the ruler of NASCAR, had time to ready his own armies and march out to meet God on the plains of Daytona.

The Battle of Daytona 500 highlighted "God's First Mistake": by filling his ranks with soldiers who had retreated or hidden, he had inadvertently constructed the most powerful force of cowards the world has ever seen. When Bellerophon arrived with his winged horse Pegasus, the balance of Ted God's army broke and ran because, holy shit, winged horse. The rest of God's army made a more orderly retreat in an attempt to salvage the battle, but it was clear that God's short reign over central Europe was ending. Bellerophon pursued the retreating forces as far as the northern border of Pangaea, and in the winter of 1605 the Crimean War officially came to an end.

An Ignoble Death[edit]

With God's reputation as a fearsome conqueror shattered, most of his armies deserted and settled in what is now Litenfiskutanhjärna. God himself returned to London and attempted to solidify his control over the Newfoundland countryside. A series of rebellions shook the capital and God was eventually assassinated by his Chief Financial Officer, Jurjämar the Svëlte, who succeeded God as the second of the thousand-year Pirate King Dynasty.

See also[edit]