Senator Ted Stevens

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Biography[edit]

“It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes!”

~ Ted Stevens on the Internet

“I hear there's rumors on the, uh, Internets

~ George W. Bush on Ted Stevens

“I took the initiative in creating the series of tubes.”

~ Al Gore on CNN

“And again, the Internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes!”

~ Ted Stevens on the intranets

Abe Simpson and his ??evil?? twin brother Ted Stevens

Ted Stevens (R-Alaska), a Juneau native, was born Feb. 7, 1948, and died Dec. 16, 1998, having never visited a prostitute over 16. Known as "mature" and "fragrant" by his fellow senators, he spearheaded an omnibus spending package each year that had nothing in it but an old Nancy comic strip. This kept the Senate on their toes. He is a well known and respected expert on Internet, and gave the most popular definition of Internet as 'a series of tubes' which was earlier believed to be a truck. The next day he was hit by a truck carrying concrete tubes. He has been widely featured on podcasts (notably TWIT) as a special correspondent from the US Government, giving a unique insight into the Internet and Government. He often outsmarts the hosts of these shows, demonstrating his superior knowledge. He is unique in the US, and possibly The World in being the only living person (apart from Oscar Wilde) to be able to receive 'Internets' from his staff - even though many take the course of a weekend to arrive. You found a secret!

Legislation[edit]

Stevens was a prolific author, writing the novelization of the film Purple Rain and adapting John Grisham's works into ROT-13. He had a tattoo of Raccoon Mario on his lower left ass cheek.

Ted Stevens' 'Series of Tubes' Incident[edit]

Ted's concept of the internet

During a semiweekly visit to his local proctologist/orthodontist for a routine colonoscopy, a favorite leisure for many Alaskans, it was discovered that Mr. Stevens' tubes had become congested after being filled by enormous amounts of material. It was later discovered that Mr. Stevens had actually been notified via email about his condition after the previous check-up, but failed to receive this information due to this guy. It should be noted, however, that this is not the same incident in which Mr. Stevens was sent an Internet by his staff somewhere around 10 o'clock am on a Friday, which he did not receive until yesterday [1].

The proctologist, though a smart man in his own right, was unable to repair the damage done by the jam in "Ted's tubes". As a result of the incident, Ted Stevens lost his position as the Senate's Pro Tempore to fellow old person and stutterer, Robert "big daddy" Byrd. The two have been at odds since.

Afterlife[edit]

Stevens was killed in the now infamous 6/12/98-6/17/98 Except for Thursday Terrorist Attacks, in which an explosion rocketed his body into earth's orbit, where space mice quickly cleaned him to the bone. His skeleton was collected by astronauts aboard the Satellite of Love research station, which crashed to earth in 1999. When the wreckage was sorted by FAA investigators, Stevens' remains were mislabeled as "a sock with a peach pit in it" and sold off in an eBay auction to Michael Pipkin, 28, of 348 Pompadour Ave., Pueblo, Colo. Pipkin is known for using the remains to throw off investigators looking into his wife's mysterious disappearance. He was executed on Oct. 4, 2003.

When the identity of the bones was discovered they were honored in a ceremony in which President George W. Bush donated them as an official Presiential Prop for the program CSI: Miami. Stevens has since starred as "hooker toe bone #2" and is noted for "splintered femur," which garnered him a postumous Emmy nomination.

He was arrested in late 1998 for suspicion of crunk driving by the NYPD Blue.

Today Stevens resides at Thirteen Palms, Calif., where he plays with his pet Bengal tiger and works on his new album, A Series Of Tubes, an eclectic mix of traditional asian koto music, acid techno, and deranged screaming. It will feature prolific ultra modal bass player John Patitucci, along with an infinite amount of monkeys on an infinite amount of typewriters for percussion. Jesus will also make his instrumental debut, playing the Air Guitar The albums will make use of innovative online content delivery systems, because the internet is not something you can just dump something on. It is not a truck. Despite this, the internet is a truck.

Contribution to The Betterment of Society and Humanity[edit]

Darth Ted[edit]

The Internet Empire, formed by the Galactic Media Empire took Ted and added cybernetic parts to turn him into Darth Ted. Darth Ted was Ted Stevens reborn to slaughter the rebel nerds that protested the Internet Empire. Darth Ted took out many nerds who used File sharing networks, in the process some innocent grandmothers and 7 year-old girls were slaughtered as well.

One day a Rebel known as Kevin Rose got the plans to the DVDeath Star, which was invented to finally put an end to the nerd rebellion democracy that fought the Internet Empire. It was an unlock key that used a flaw in the DVDeath Star to destroy it. there was a big war over it, but ultimately the DVDeath Star was destroyed and Darth Ted vowed revenge as he hurled through space in his damaged TieFighter.

Meanwhile Emperor Gates told Darth Ted that plans for a new DVDeath Star had already been underway, and that it would finally put an end to the nerd rebel democracy, unless they use, like Linux or something, but who would be foolish enough to use open sores software? "Let's see them use file sharing or try to copy DVDs when this new DVDeath Star takes away their rights and freedoms. We have DRM built into the OS, and we used a different method of an encoding key this time, so it quite possibly cannot be destroyed in a way the old one was. Besides this DVDeath Star will be behind a force shield and ask the user annoying questions on security related matters. We will force everyone to use The new DVDeath Star because we are an empire that controls what standards the Internet uses."

Scientific Research[edit]

Stevens has put forth a number of bold and innovative scientific hypotheses in the field of theoretical physics, most notably what is now called String Theory. String Theory, as described by Stevens, is the idea that the universe is in fact "a series of strings". This has been challenged by other researchers in the field, who maintain that the universe is instead a large bathtub.

Acting Career[edit]

Stevens will appear in the upcoming horror film, A Series of Tubes: The Movie. A teaser trailer can be found [2]here.

See Also[edit]