“CBS is a cheap whorehouse.”
“I MUST GET THAT LION!”
“Is this some kind of a joke? I, Sonic the Hedgehog, want to kill this guy, but I want to watch CNN!”
“He is the Mouth of the South. I am the Mouth of Uncyclopedia. We are mouths.”
“Look! Under! Your! Chairs! Every!-body! gets a Yaaaacht! YOU get a yacht! YOU get a yacht! You can have TWO if you want!”
“Oh . . . right . . . THAT Ted Turner . . . I thought you meant the . . . other . . . Ted Turner”
“Just why on earth did he fail on MGM/UA?”
“Maybe I can't...but CAPTAIN PLANET CAN!!!!”
“I've done something that everybody can enjoy. I've colorized the moon.”
Born around 1249, Ted W. Turner began life as an experimental computer program developed by the Pentagon called Transmitted Unified Rendering Network Expansion Router, the forerunner of MS Paint. Killing a programmer and possessing his body, Turner rewrote his own programming to duplicate the personalities of the six greatest business leaders and/or African war profiteers. Today Turner is worth an eighth of the height of his weath, having sold his shares in Turner Broadcasting to AOLTimeWarnerSonyViacomChurchofJesusChristofLatter-DaySaints. He spends his days throwing his shoes at crows on his vast Montana estate and watching the Braves wipe their asses on the remains of his fortune. He is the former owner of Dubbya C Dubbya
Establishing offices in Atlanta, Georgia, he became a practicing lunatic, using the latest broadcasting technologies to relay a satellite transmission to multiple terminals via landline. With this technology he was soon able to broadcast reruns of Welcome Back Kotter, Small Wonder and Happy Days 24/7. This new 'round-the-clock capability soon gave rise to other applications, such as a 24/7 news channel where professionals, drummed out of their respective fields, could posit their opinions without scrutiny and holler at each other.
“Keep your damn Crayolas away from my movies!”
Turner's greatest contribution to mankind, however, was his willingness to re-edit any and all films to turn all the characters into Oompa Loompas. He did this using a special irradiating process that brought out the brightest, most vibrant shades magenta and nuclear orange from the filmstock. This process was abandoned when, in a Dec. 24, 1989 broadcast of It's a Wonderful Life, George Bailey unexpectedly died of skin cancer 12 minutes into the film, caused by Mr T.
With his career still on the rise, Turner also married human female Jane Fonda, best known for her roles as 1960s sexpot and for her vacations in war zones. Fonda later donated her necklace of GI ears to the Smithsonian. Eventually Fonda would publicly apologize for her past, saying it was deeply wrong and irreligious of her to marry Turner. Turner has also been known to become Captain Planet at certain moments, but he just impersonates Captain Planet. WARNING: if you are in the Atlanta area, watch out for a Captain Planet imitater (Ted Turner) kicking random people's groins, for this is not a Captain Planet attack. Ted Turner still believes in monsters.
Ted Turner died at Gettysburg during Pickett's Charge. His last words were, "Lets go boys!", and then was instantly shot by Union infrantry.
He was found dead again some 83 years later by a little gay Iranian man in a Dallas bath house, a victim of autodecapitation.
Rupert Murdoch recently ressurected Ted through satanic rituals so that he'd have a liberal propaganda master to battle for control of the world with, however Ted promptly devoured his soul in order to regain mortal form. Rupert murdochs last words were: "My only regret... is not raping more little boys." Ted then went on to hire godzilla to destroy and urinate on every major religous landmark. He faced no charges however as shortly after he donated billions to repair the damage. When asked why he did this, Ted replied: "Their all hos anyways, just paying those bitches their dues." Then he yelled "CAPTAIIIIN PLAAAANET!!!" and flew into outer space.