Televangelism

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“...and for a small donation of no less than $19.95 made payable to Peter Popoff Ministries, God will give you the love he has always been aching to give you. Lord if my words are from you, give these people a sign, let me become drunk in the spirit. wweru hw suhsliru gheir ghlawuiehgegulhrg! There is the sign, folks. Yes Jesus... yes.. yes, YES!!!”

~ Peter Jerkoff on Televangelism

Pre-televangelism[edit]

Televangelism started in the mid 1960s, with the rise of the once demonic television. Good, God fearing Republicans noticed that this devilish little box was being used to transmit large quantities of immorality over the airwaves. Obviously, this needed to be stopped. It reached a climax in 1964, when a sick, horrible broadcast of devil-worshipers The Beatles was put in front of scores of good, Christian children. The resulting pandemic, known as Beatlemania had to be cured. Luckily for us, a cure was hatched. (Despite the best efforts of televangelists, many of the childeren exposed did show symptoms of homosexuality, including growing long hair (boys) and smoking devil's grass)

The Reaction[edit]

Two great friends, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell had the idea to use the same box that spread evil to spread the word of The Lord. They created a program, The 666 Club, to preach over the air. It was a huge success right away. The television waves spread out carrying prayers, and cured every Christian's ailments. For that reason, no Good Christians have died since 1973.

The Counterreaction[edit]

Not suprisingly, the gay-jewish-antiChrist-liberal media was furious that these two men foiled their conspiracy to lead America into deviant behavior (homosexuality.) They conspired with another closely related global criminal syndicate (the Jewish Banking World Control Center). Their plan was to damage the Christians by cutting them off from money. They used all the Jews in the IRS to frame the leaders and organizations for tax evasion. The televangelists hadn't purposely avoided paying taxes, they just forgot. Every time. Or maybe they thought they were exempt because they were doing something good. Regardless, they didn't do anything wrong, and the Jews probably made a deal with the devil to frame them. It's okay though, they'll burn in hell for it.

The Countercounterreaction[edit]

Because the "Internal ReviJew Service" had drained every last penny from God's true messengers in the early 1990s, the televangelists took it as their task to appeal to the people for support. The guidelines for giving are as follows:

  • When you get a raise, the difference in your first paycheck goes to God, because it was He who got you the raise.
  • If you get a bonus at the end of the year, it goes to God. Don't complain, it was His doing.
  • For every sin you commit, give once percent of your annual pay to God. Yes, touching yourself like that is a sin.
  • Actually, when you think about it, God is behind everything you do. Just give him all your money.

The Philosophies of Televangelism[edit]

  • God hates fags.
  • God hates fags.
  • God hates fags.
  • God hates fags.
  • Give 'till it hurts.

Sworn enemies of Televangelism[edit]

  • Democrat party.
  • Liberals.
  • Gays.
  • Jews.
  • Anyone darker than "tan".
  • Hugo Chavez.
  • Ceaser Chavez.
  • Oscar Wilde.
  • Oscar the Grouch.
  • Bert and Ernie!
  • Barney.
  • Teletubbies.

See also[edit]