Captain Picard Is Annoyed By This Article
Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation starship USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D finds the content of this article most unsatisfactory indeed. Not as distasteful, mind you, as that time he accidentally walked in on one of Guinan's holodeck programs involving three Arabian horses, a weedwhacker, and a drunken and nude 20th century comedienne Roseanne Barr-Arnold in a hot tub filled with Crisco, but thoroughly unpleasant nonetheless. If you do not take immediate action to alleviate this issue, he will be forced to hold a meeting in his ready room. In this meeting, you can be assured mon amie that he will consider all non-violent options first to resolve this distasteful situation. In fact, he may not even discuss the possibility of... just a moment, "computer, tea, Earl Grey, hot." Now where were we? Oh yes... going to red alert and making phasers and photon torpedoes ready. He might have to instruct young Wesley Crusher to accompany him to his personal gym and shower in order to "work out" and thus relieve some of this stress. All the same, you can be quite certain that he will not consider the use of violence at first, if ever. But if he ever does, somewhere near the end of the episode, then he'll resign himself to the fact that he'll be forced to command someone else to open fire. You see, he doesn't actually press that button himself or anything, he is after all the Captain, not some lowly security officer who doesn't even merit a chair of his own on the bridge.