Ten Cent Beer Disco Demolition Night

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Disco Demolition Night.

Ten Cent Beer Disco Demolition Night was a promotional event in Gary, Indiana in the old US Steel Railcats Stadium. Gary was going through some tough times in the 1970s, having spawned Michael Jackson and various other calamities, and people were leaving the city in droves as a result. Steel Railcats had a stadium capacity of 65,000 people, including Smurfs, but, by 1977, attendance had fallen to 13 hooligans, with two of them being British yobs paid to show up and throw eggs at the team. In order to improve attendance, the manager of the Railcats dropped a hot steel bar down his real estate agent's back. Then he threw himself out the window by mistake. Since neither the real estate agent nor the manager survived, the management fell to the Crazy Salmon Pelvises' disk jockey, who knew quite a bit about music and nothing about baseball. Thus, the stage was set.

July 12, 1977[edit]

On July 12, 1977, a tripleheader between the Gary Steel Railcats and the Chicago Dirty Sex was on. The disk jockey made a deal with the Manischewitz Beer Company to offer free beer to the audience that night. Due to a misunderstanding, the Manischewitz Beer people hired a grizzly from the circus and paraded him about, and sold their alcohol for a still-very-low ten cents. The new manager of the team, in the meantime, decided that disco music was a problem, and called out for records to be brought into the stadium and blown up. What was forgotten was that the 13 hooligans who regularly attended knew that they were at a baseball game, not a Stupid Music Hate Stunt, or an Even Dumber Cheap Beer Stunt. However, a sellout crowd showed up, 40% of which were baseball fans, 30% of which hated disco, 20% of which liked heavy metal or other asinine music, and 10% who were there because "all my friends are doing it". Most of the people in the stadium lined up at the Manischewitz beer stand, and, for 10 cents, they got a cup and a yarmulke. (The actual beer was at the next table.) In the meantime, people came in with disco records they wanted destroyed, so they could get a discount. Some people came in with a banner saying "DISCO SUCKS" in very large letters, and before long the teenagers were urinating from the bleachers. Nobody paid attention to this, because people usually peed from the bleachers. But the crowd had a disorderly look around them, and wardrobe malfunctions went up at an alarming rate during the first game's seventh-inning stretch, especially among Jackson family members.

The first game[edit]

The Steel Railcats won 2-0 due to a 2-run homer that whacked Michael Jackson in the face. This was the start of his plastic surgery. Jackson stumbled around drunkenly, belted out a song, tried to fall but couldn't manage more than a very strange lean, and jerked around in another dance. All of the drunk women in the vicinity (mostly blonde, IQ level -2) promptly tackled him, and that was the last anyone saw of Michael Jackson that night. (Can you believe he was actually sexy at the time?)

Disco Demolished[edit]

Between the first and second games of the night, the manager of the Steel Railcats came out to jeers and middle fingers, and tried to announce that he would demolish disco by blowing up records. However, he only got as far as "I am here to blow up-" before getting cut off with rotten tomatos. Where the tomatoes came from was a mystery, as tomatoes weren't sold in the stadium. (Later on it was found that Manishchewitz beer spontaneously generates rotten tomatoes.) The man at the dynamite took that tomato-throwing as the signal, and so he pressed down on the hammer. Nothing happened. So he pushed again and again, and slammed into the hammer with a "Will you fucking work, goddammit!" The next thing he knew, he had ash all over him, his hair looked like Albert Einstein's, and his ears were ringing "Jingle Bells". The crowd cheered. Then it booed, and then the inebriated "Disco Sucks" people rushed at the equally drunk Gary Steel Railcats fans. Several people threw records like Frisbees. A few tried to ride them like flying carpets. And the fun was just beginning...