Ten General Commandments of All Humanity
“These Commandments, revealed for all the World, are a binding contract. Love God, and obey His Word.”
The Ten General Commandments of All Humanity were ostensibly written on stone ledgers in an ancient, foreign language and buried in the year 200 B.C. (Before Craig), in a small village just north of present-day London, through the combined efforts of St. Paul, Oscar Wilde, Sidney Trammell, Chuck Norris, and the firstborn son of Daniel Craig (all known as the Five General Demigods of All Humanity).
Though lost and unknown for most of human history, they were incredibly rediscovered by one Henry Carver, a young acolyte of the newly-formed Church of God the Wholly Incompetent, who dug the granite tablets out from beneath a cricket pitch near his home on the Thames in January 1613.
Having successfully dated them to before the birth of Christ (although they conveniently contained mentions of historical figures alive around the time they were "discovered", and were magically translated by Church leader Sidney Trammell without having prior knowledge of the language), Carver set out to preach their sacred knowledge to the world and was subsequently hanged for heresy.
Embraced by the Church as genuine artifacts of the faith, the Commandments were supposedly written for the sole purpose of the betterment of mankind, but mostly just because the Demigods were out of booze and couldn't think of anything better to do.
The punishment for breaking any one of these Commandments is a $350,000 fine, and up to 18 years in prison. Breaking 3 or more of these will result in the Divine Retaliation, which will come in the form of a swift UMP9 carried by none other than Daniel Craig himself. Each individual Commandment may require its own punishment, which must be served directly after the general punishment.
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The Commandments go as follows:
I. Thou shalt obey the Commandments.
Hear, oh humanity! The LORD, your god (and, us, his Demigods), has granted unto you these twenty-two...
Oy... Ten! Ten Commandments! For all to obey!
II. Thou shalt not be stupid.
It doesn't matter if you were born that way. If you're stupid, you die; no questions asked.
Note: This does NOT include acting stupid. In order to violate this commandment, you have to actually be both physically and mentally stupid.
III. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions.
Such questions include but are not limited to:
- Are we there yet?
- Do you support the Pope?
- What would the LORD do?
- Why did the chicken cross the road?
- Is the day green?
- May I ask you a question?`
- Was there a fire beneath bacon for which the angels went with his holiness?
Extra Punishment: The Demigods will brutalize your throat to the point where the only things you can say are "yes", "no", and "maybe".
IV. Thou shalt not wear stupid clothing.
This also includes clothing that does not make sense, clothing that contains spelling/gramatical errors, and clothing from places you've never been.
V. Thou shalt not make stupid bodily motions.
This means hand-waving, flapping, or shaking of any kind, wagging of the index finger, or extending the thumb, index, and pinky fingers. Facial Expressions include:
- abnormally large smiling
- sniffing like a rodent
VI. Thou shalt not tell stupid anecdotes.
Anecdotes are defined as stupid, short, pointless stories with no moral or punch line at the end. Anecdotes were invented simply to waste peoples time, so if you ever hear one, you can assume that that person telling it will receive the divine retaliation.
VII. Thou shalt not listen to the music of Tamia; rather, thou shalt play Alicia Keys holy music unto the delight of The Lord thy Spaghetti.
Her music bears direct witness to the soul of My Noodly Presence. Not only that, she's great!!!!! Tamia and her Flying Spaghettio's Monster only want to lead you to a path of destruction going straight to Hell, similar to what the Pied Piper of Hamelin did with the mice. Ramen.
VIII. Thou shalt not have sexual intercourse with anything except other humans.
Because we know of your feistiness in the bedroom, we decree that you must not, under any circumstances have sexual relations with any thing except other humans. Especially spoons, meat, monks, clergy, angels, tobacco, jews, paper, demons, broken glass, cows, donkeys, horses, fans, knives, saws, pillows, live vermin, infants, burning embers, starving artists, and Pope Urban VIII.
Unless, of course, it's a pony; then it's fine with us.
IX. Thou shalt not use Sidney Trammell's name in vain.
Such vanities include:
- Holy Sidney Trammell!
- Sidney Trammell damn it!
- For the love of Sidney Trammell!
- Sidney fucking Trammell!
- Oh my Sidney Trammell!
There are 10 Commandments. Only 10. That is all. There are only 10 Commandments. 2+2=5.
Extra Punishment: You will be tortured into insanity, be killed, be ressurected, and be tortured into insanity again until you agree that there are, in fact, only 10 Commandments.
(Note: This Commandment does not apply to Commandments 11-22.)
XI. Thou shalt not lie.
The LORD, in his infinite fallibleness, forgot this Commandment during the revelation to Moses on Sinai, so he will now lay it down at the present time.
Every time you lie about something, we, the Demigods, huff a kitten. So unless you are morally opposed to kitten huffing, or if you are extremely insensitive, then thou shalt NOT lie.
XII. Thou shalt not inadvertently use alliteration.
If thou shalt summon spirits, conjure creatures, and anger agues in our name, we shall send some sleet to fumble your feet and fuck you for frivolous fame.
XIII. Thou shalt not use words that you do not understand.
This includes words that those that you are conversing with do not understand, because it does not make you look smarter, it just makes you look deviant.
It is also completely unacceptable to use words that have five or more syllables, and begin with the letter "s".
XIV. Thou shalt not drink mango juice.
Mango juice is the beverage of only Satan and angels. So unless you want to worship Satan, or bed down with angels, thou shalt definitely NOT drink mango juice.
Note: This Commandment applies to neither Satanists nor angels.
XV. Thou shalt not insult people who are smarter than you.
With the exception of Albert Einstein, because he's so goddamn smart that no one can insult him, you cannot insult any who are smarter than you.
And if there exists a person that no one can insult, it will unravel the great yarn ball of space and time. So, basically, it would destroy humanity, and that would pretty much defeat the purpose of the Commandments in the first place.
XVI. Thou shalt not disobey the 16th Commandment.
The 16th Commandment, also known as the Commandment of Imminent Doom, shall not be disobeyed, disregarded, questioned, pondered or ignored. Or else.
Extra Punishment: You will have the number 16 burned onto your testicles. If you don't have testicles, you can choose to have it burned onto the insides of your eyeballs.
Note: Don't ask how. You don't want to know. 2+2=5.
XVII. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's lawn ornaments.
Because we know how much you love staring jealously at your neighbor's front yard, hoping that one night you could just sneak over there and "borrow" one, we hereby decree that you must not covet their lawn ornaments.
With the exeption of Lawn Gnomes, of course. No one in their right mind would dare covet a Lawn Gnome, so it is not a concern to us, the Five General Demigods of Lawnornamentalia (and Many Other Things).
XVIII. Thou shalt not act stupid.
After receiving several complaints, and after due consideration, we have decided to revise the 2nd commandment to prohibit people from acting stupid as well as being stupid.
XIX. Thou shalt not question the might of the Demigods.
Although, we, the Five General Demigods of All Humanity may appear to exist in a mortal state, we most certainly do not.
If a Demigod is for some reason slain, he can choose to reincarnate himself for the small price of 3 mortal souls. So, be watchful...
XX. Thou shalt not become mightier than the Demigods.
Because God is a god (and we are the Demigods), you cannot be. Therefore, none on Earth will ever achieve the power and glory of a god.
Well, except for Albert Einstein, of course, but he was a fluke.
XXI. Thou shalt not sing songs up-tempo.
When you sing, sing of the glory of God. Do not engage in sexual immorality or thoughts that defile the temple the LORD has built in your hearts. When you sing, sing slowly and pensively. An up-tempo version leads to evil thoughts.
As such, you must sing all songs slowly and pensively, for no evil thoughts can be allowed in the house of God. For his is a holy house, founded on truth and life, and the Spirit resides in this house, bringing new life to all who come to dwell in God.
Though we seriously doubt you understand a single word we have just written, we pray for you to receive the message within these words. However, our love for you only goes so far.
XXII. Thou shalt not.
In order to fully keep these Commandments, you must abstain. No ifs, whats, ands, or buts: ABSTAIN!
In essence, thou shalt NOT.
Remember these Commandments, and you will know that we are pleased. Or drunk.
Beer be upon you.