Teriyaki

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Teriyaki is a golden elixir believed by many wise japanese sages to provide eternal life and knowledge. The actual technical term for Teriyaki by most practicing alchemists is Lapis Teriyakiis meaning literally "Golden Substance used upon Rice and other foodstuffs to prevent bland taste."

Teriyaki sauce is currently believed to be the third most prominent export from Japan, first being the Nintendo Wii and second being Hentai. It is however, unique among Japanese products in that it's primary consumers are not fetishists.

History[edit]

Teriyaki was first discovered by a Japanese Samurai/Alchemist named Samuel I. Samuel belonged to a noble family of high standing, all of whom unfortunately lost their honor after the Nintendo Wii was discovered to suck. Every single member of the family was forced to commit Seppuku, except for young Samuel, who had been born without arms. Without a family, and ignored by society due to his dishonor, poor Sam turned to the darker arts. Selling his soul to the demons Cthulhu, Yog Sothoth, and Oprah, he was given a formula that was claimed to be the answer to his prayers. After eagerly consuming this formula that he believed would either restore his arms or kill him, he vomited violently. In a blind rage at his betrayal, he went on a Cooperesque rampage on a nearby chicken farm. The following night, he was visited by the Flying Spaghetti Monster in a dream, saying, "Yea, the rice in this land doth taste verily like unto feces, and thereby in mine infinite wisdom thou hast been given unto thee a boon, that the rice shall be made delicious and profitable unto thee. Now go and take up thine dead chickens and thine sauce which shall thenceforth be called Teriyaki, for the name beeth pleasing unto me, and go unto the rice farm of the wise Ninja lord Timothy, and there shalt thine destiny be revealed unto thee."

It is a subject of great debate as to why the Flying Spaghetti monster would make an intervention on behalf of rice, as it is known that pasta and rice are sworn enemies. Some say that it was not the FSM, but rather his brother, the Flying Rice Monster. Most cynics say, though, that Sam had simply mixed some Acid in with his teriyaki.

Samuel journeyed far in his search of Timothy's Rice Farm, and accidentally found himslef traveling through a long trail of brothels and bars, all while carrying a sack of dead chickens on his back. Finally, he found a gigantic billboard sign reading TIMOTHY'S RICE FARM: WE MAKE THE MOST TASTELESS, DRY RICE EVER!

Overjoyed to have reached the end of his quest, Samuel rushed inside and was shocked to find that Timothy had been expecting him. He was later disappointed to learn that Old Tim had simply mistaken him for the Pizza Hut delivery boy who was 50 years late in his delivery, and was even more disappointed when Timothy beat him upside the head for "forgetting my goddamn pizza." Eventually he relented, and instructed Samuel in the arts of tasteless, flavorless rice.

Soon thereafter, young samuel founded his first restaurant (in fact, it was the first restaurant ever). He was a massive success and an instant celebrity.

Unfortunately, before he could be relieved of his dishonor, he died during the tragic bombing of Hiroshima, believed to be directed at the burgeoning teriyaki business. His last words were believed to be "FUCKING FINALLY!" The nation sadly did not, and still does not, care.

Shortly after his untimely death, some clever Americans decided to take teriyaki and introduce it to the malleable American population as "JA-PA-NESE FOOD" with a ton of funky Asian-looking letters surrounding it, even though no Japanese person was actually involved in it's production.

Preparation[edit]

The process which results in the creation of teriyaki is only possible for high level alchemists of the Full Metal variety. All that is known is that it consists of the tear of angels, mixed with the holy urine of Jesus Christ himself. This magical recipe perhaps accounts for stories of teriyaki's miraculous healing power.

Magical Prowess[edit]

Adding teriyaki does the following for your food if added

+15 taste +199 Unique +234 "Foreign-ness" +500 Magickal

As you can see, anyone in possession of teriyaki has access to MAGICKAL POWERS (yes it's spelled with a k, assholes. What are you retarded?)

Teriyaki is worshipped by many religions as divine excrement, such as The Holy Church Of Beaver-Eaters, The Church of the Flying Rice Monster, The 15th Unified Church of R'lyeh (not to be confused with the 51st Church Of Rl'yeh), Oprahism, and Narwhals.

It is often disputed just what will happen if one drinks 15 lbs. of teritaki and gargles it, as no one alive has come forward to comment. Take this chance to be a part of science. Go on. Do it. You won't die, honest...