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A bag full of reasonably priced Tesco pornography.

Tesco's, also known as the land of the free, is the universe's largest supermarket chain. Every Tesco's is special in that it only contains items that the local's want, these items vary from store to store. However, a man named Blanko once found a book on learning German at the Tesco's in Wilmington, DE, when that Tesco's normally only sells noodles. There are over 700 locations in the state of Missouri alone. Tesco's is infamously known for its ability to disguise itself as an ordinary rubbish bin. This can make finding Tesco's incredibly difficult. Because every Tesco's only sells things that the local population want, Tesco's is also the worlds largest specialty store.

Tesco's Rescue Squad[edit]

Because of the difficulty in discovery of Tescos, a team of specially trained ninjas has been formed in order to find every Tesco location on the planet. This is known as Tescos Rescue Squad, or Tresquad. Trescod is workig very hard to help you find The Tesco's nearest you.


Tesco's only known security is a group of Jeep wranglers known as the Josescos. In early July of 2006, two men named Sasprango and Loto defied all odds and robbed the Tesco's in LA. They say it was pretty easy and that all they had to do was flip the 'rubbish bin' over while security wasn't looking. The most surprising part of this story is that Sasprango and Loto are actually the founding fathers of the Tesco's chain. After they robbed this Tesco's location they saw a Josesco coming right for them. As it turns out, the Josesco turned the corner and didn't bother the criminals. It's rumored that there are only one or two Josescos in existance. It was not very likely that the criminals would ever see one. In Belfast the security have no problem with your shoplifing Trolleys full of goods and sticking it into your BMW coupe.


These are the currently known locations of Tesco's

  • Winfield, MO; sells crossoints and french bread.
  • Los Angeles, CA; sells macaroni and cheese.
  • Kansas City, MO; sells Magic Johnson bobble-heads and pointy hats.
  • Baton Rouge, LA; sells Erotic novels and other banned books.
  • Chicago, IL; sells Rye Bread and other foods that taste like cardboard.
  • Teledo, OH; sells girls named Melanie.
  • Albany, NY; sells books on German history and Nazi paraphenalia.
  • New York, NY; sells Pokemon and Furbies.
  • Lake Tahoe; Sells iron boots and Concrete boots.
  • Mexico city; sells maps of Mexico City and Left shoes (no right ones)
  • Wilmington, DE; sells Noodles
  • Ontario, Canada; sells the cure for Emo and Teddy Bears.
  • Orlando, FL; sells YoYo axle oil and Fairisle Tank tops.
  • Providence, RI; sells shredded wheat and bricks.
  • Atlanta, GA; sells porn brochures (no actual porn)and catalogues for major retailers.

Outside the Americas:

  • Aigburth Road, Liverpool, England*; Only sells Lamb Hearts
  • Alfreton, Derbyshire, England*; Sells mouldy fruit and mens' tracksuits.
  • Croydon, England; Sells burberry caps.
  • Blackpool, Lancashire; Sells Lancastrian delicacies (Including tripe and Black Pudding)
  • Wiggin; Sells Pies and George Formby Grills.
  • Birmingham, West Midlands; Sells toilet paper to wipe the turds off their faces after having mass blowouts.
  • Paris, France; Sells soap, razors and Air wick Plug-ins (no one goes in there).
  • Aberdeen, Scotland; Sells Haggis and Irn Bru.
  • Chester, England; venue of The 1st Tesco Value Challenge in 2004 to the present day.
  • Swindon, England; sells Worst Case Scenario guides.
  • Tidworth, England; sells budget camo cream.
  • Prague, Czech Republic, sells sausage (gateway to Unterpraug, is notable for being invisible)
  • Peterborough, has an entire wall filled with Pringles and oil, but too high up for anyone to get them. Sells more Asian and halal food than Saudi Arabia.
  • Malaysia, sells Asian food.
  • Moon; Sells Crackers (for the cheese).
  • The North Pole; Sells Thermal underwear.
  • Hell; Sells Asbestos underpants.
  • A planet on the other side of the Galaxy called Krop Tor; It is unknown what the Krop Tor Tescos sells as the planet is a desolate rugged world with giant volcanoes and is in orbit around a Black Hole, but the squid-like locals have been seen wearing Brown Macs and smoking woodbines.

See also[edit]