That Mean Lady from your Paper Route
Little is known about That Mean Lady from your Paper Route. However, research is currently underway to determine the nature of this being; while the research effort is ongoing, it has yet to answer the crucial question of her origins. The current theory suggests that she is from the Milky Way, but this has not been confirmed. Critics have suggested that a great deal of taxpayers' money is being wasted on the project, given that this is a being whom you don't even know about.
Cruel but true facts
With what little research that has been done, we have managed to ascertain that she was born on 43 January, 1886, in the rear compartment of a beige sport-utility vehicle. (Again, it has not been determined if the SUV was in the Milky Way galaxy at the time). Stakeouts at her house show that she is a follower of the Church of Walkentology. This sect worships deer heads, and butter-filled sausages, and Abe Vigoda. How she is related to Christopher Walken is still a mystery.
Our researchers, comprising a team of youths ranging from Primary Three students to Harvard University degree-holders, concluded that she is currently in denial. She is also is an avid Star Wars fanatic, judging by her unusual dressing habits, and she apparently believes that she is the love child of Obi-Wan Kenobi and a female turtle from the sea of the Palau Islands, off the cost of the Philippines. Efforts have been made to contact Obi-Wan (and also the turtle), but he claims to be "too busy" every time the researchers try to contact him. However, his press agent insists that he and the turtle are "very happy."
The Mean Lady's toilet habits are also quite interesting. It has been noted that she keeps a bottle of shaving cream in her medicine cabinet, which is always well stocked with Panadol, alongside a razor.
- On July 27, 1983 the mean-lady asked you not to walk on the newly sealed asphalt drive way. Despite the blocked drive way at the side walk and the smell of asphalt, how were you suppossed to know that walking on it would leave trainers marks?
- On July 28, 2003 the mean-lady wanted to know where her paper was. When you reply that she told you not to walk on it yesterday, she gave you a look and then said "Well, I think you could have walked on it without hurting it." Now she's messing with your mind.
- On January 7, 2005 while collecting, you made the mistake of ringing the door bell twice. When she came to the door she made a bitchy comment on how she heard you the first time.
- On February 1, 2005 while collecting, you rang the doorbell ONCE and there was no answer. So February 2nd, you attempted to collect again by ringing the door bell once, and again no answer. Finally on February 3rd she answers the door, but reminds you that she might have been busy yesterday and the day before and that a real business person would have put more effort into getting her attention by at least knocking on the door.
- Once the edge of a paper slipped out the bottom of her screen door and got covered with snow. She let you have the next morning talking about how irresponsible you were to not have noticed. You walk two miles in friggin snow up to your shins before you even got to her place and you've got another mile to go after. It was below zero for weeks and the 45 papers you started out with weren't enough to help warm you up. Bitch!!
- October 15, 2007 you have to collect for the paper route, and your driver tells you that the lady hasn't mailed in payment, so now you have to go and knock on her door and collect for the month. She pays the amount due, and gives you a tip of just a buck and then says "I wish I could justify giving you more." What a "Catch" "You" "Next" "Tuesday"!
- November 28, 2007. You slip in the snow on her driveway and fall in the garden, right into her crop of roses (used for pot purie?) and stinging nettle (used for the Little boy who lives down the street, well that was the last time you saw him anyway...). You spend the night in the emergency room getting the thorns picked out you, and the next day when her paper is ten minutes late she hand you a bill for the damage you caused to her dormant plants.
- April 4, 2008. You and your mother bump into the Mean Lady at the grocery store and she tells your Mum that she thinks you "are wonderful at your job." She's a real sicko alright.
- June 6, 2007. You walk across her "Newly laid lawn" and leave light foot prints in it. You notice that she was watching you from the kitchen window. Right before you set the paper on her doorstep you feel your inner rage beginning a slow boil.