The "Celebrity Win, Lose or Draw" Crisis of 2006

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The "Celebrity Win, Lose or Draw" Crisis of 2006 refers to a situation on the hit game show (where people draw stuff and other people have to guess it is), in which the host, Bert Convy, was stranded in one program of the show for an incredible 165 hours due to the general stupidity of his contestants. The incident left Convy mentally scarred and he resigned from his post. This particular program of the show turned out to be a ploy of the FOX Network (whose programming had begun to consist so mainly of porn that people had hardly noticed) to boost ratings.

The contestants[edit]

Today was supposed to be like any other day for Mister Convy. Here he was, presenting a show which was earning him a fair amount of money, a seemingly pleasurable job. But even he, along with pretty much all the audience, thought that the FOX Network executives were smoking crack when the contestants were announced for the show. On the Red team were George W. Bush and Paris Hilton, with their team mate, the renowned cubist artist Pablo Picasso, on the board. On the Blue team were Dan Quayle and Jessica Simpson, with their team mate, the NFL color artist John Madden, on the board. Still, what with the positive perks of the job, Convy believed that this show would be routine, with no problems. Unfortunately, Convy would be proved horribly wrong.

The Horror, the Horror![edit]

To the horror (see? told ya) of everyone, including Convy, a whole 25 hours went by in which the contestants failed to get a single word right. In an attempt to solve this problem, Convy made the stipulation that whoever got the next word right would win the match. However, a series of words followed for another 12 hours that the contestants still failed to answer.

Hour 37: Anti constitutional[edit]

Convy, by now tired and exhausted (and indeed, there were only a few conscious audience members at this time), Convy introduced the new word for the contestants to figure out: anti constitutional. The words of Convy at this point: "This could take a while", proved horribly prophetic, and the following hours are something that Convy would later describe, while in therapy, as "hell on earth".

The proceedings[edit]

If a thousand monkeys are put on a thousand typewriters, eventually it is the case that one of them will write King Lear . In this case, the principle was the same: eventually the contestants had to string the syllables together.

Hour 39: Dan Quayle made the first step, after John Madden put a dot on the board, he guessed "ant".

Hour 43: Jessica Simpson added her favourite topic of conversation, "i".

Hour 48: Two days into the match, both politicians weighed in with "cons".

Hour 67: In desperation to end the show, a Yellow team was added. Much to the horror of Convy, it comprised of Kelly Osbourne and Ronald Reagan, with Salvador Dali on the board.

Hour 73: Just a little over 3 days now, and Paris Hilton, with her "other" piece of media attention was able to add "tit".

Hour 84: Furious by Dali's incomprehensible pictures, Osbourne unleashed a string of "Fuck this" and "Fuck you" at him. Convy, by now dishevelled and desperate, counted Kelly's "u".

Hour 147: With the state of play now being a few hours into day six, Bush remarked that one of Picasso's pictures seemed to remind him of "The Last Starfighter", or indeed the similar movie "Tron". While gnawing on his own fingers, Convy pretended to mishear so as to award Bush "tion".

Hour 165: The prospect of day seven loomed very much large. Convy decided to take matters into his own hands, asking what the link was between Gore, Yankovic and Franken. Bush responded by linking Gore and Franken with the terrorists, though stating that that Yankovic was okay, as "his polkas are amusicating". Just when Convy seemed to fall into despair, Bush then proceeded to offer him an unexpected way out, stating that "Gore and Franken are members of that Al Kinda I bet..."

With a yell of "Hallelujah! I'm free! I'm free!", Convy then promptly collapsed onto the floor. With the Red team having guessed four syllables to the Blue team's three and the Yellow team's one, Picasso won the match, and then proceeded to kick Leonardo da Vinci out of the Louvre.


It later turned out that that particular programme had not been marketed as "Celebrity Win, Lose or Draw", but instead as "Above the Below: The Sequel" and that FOX had been banking on the contestants being stupid enough to keep Bert Convy going until Hour 840. Nonetheless, with the departure of Convy, the producers decided to play it safe for later shows, and replaced Convy with David Blaine.