The Allman Brothers Band

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The Allman Brothers Band
Biographical information
Homeworld

Georgia

Date of foundation

The beggining of time

Date of dissolution

Never

Physical description
Species

Redneck

Gender

Male

Height

5 ft. - 6 ft. 5 in.

Hair color

Brown, Blonde, and Black

Eye color

Blue, Brown, and Green

Chronological and political information
Era(s)

The beggining of time - Now

Affiliation

Capricorn, PolyGram, Arista, Epic, Sanctuary

  [Source]
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Allman Brothers Band.

The Allman Brothers is a band of 108 year old, white trash, southern metal, obese men that somehow manage to play a multiple number of instruments on stage. The most well know players include Greg "Fancy Piano" Allman, Duane "Guitar God" Allman, Dicky "Drunky" Betts, Jay "Jaimo" Johanson, and Berry "Boring Bassist" Oakley. Some of their biggest hits include Shitting Post, In Memory of Chuck Norris, and Homosexual Blues. The Allman Brothers have been under controversey lately as stories of Kitten Huffing and I Burning Your Dog have come to the media's attention. Gregg Allman has vehemently denied these allegations but the popular belief is that they are true. The controversy, however, has been ignored as it has recently been proven that The Allman Brothers, along with Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix are, in fact, god. While this has been good publicity for The Allman Brothers, Eric Clapton is under fire because of allegations that he murdered Duane Allman. Eric Clapton was brought to court 10 years ago with this charge. His opening statement was as follows, "I'm Eric Clapton." The jury then applauded and unanonomously voted to let him go. Interestingly enough, Eric Clapton's Fender Stratocaster was found at the scene of the motorcycle accident.

Early Life[edit]

Gregg and Duane Allman were born thirty half-seconds from each other, in the year of our Ford 632. By then, Duane learned to play the guitar and in fact became a virtuoso at six months old. Educators thought Duane to be "some kinda weirdo" and put him in the "special" class, only to find that he owned everyone with his constant guitar playing.

Gregg wrote poetry ever since he was thirteen and seven-eighths years old. He was inspired by the work of Alfred, Lord Tennyson and Walt Whitman, though he later claimed that poetry "was a crock of shit." He then decided to write songs because he thought poetry was weak and boring. So he became the principal songwriter for the band, while Duane still kept on trucking (plucking).

The Band[edit]

The band consisted of best bros Gregg and Duane Allman, as well as Mickey Detts, Dickey Betts, or Gloria Steinem on bass, or whatever, and and Annie Get Your Gun on bass...or was it guitar? No, that was Duane. So Betsy Ross was the drummer? Okay, this is confusing. Wait. I got it. Oakley's on bass and Betsey Trotwood's on lead guitar. Then who's drumming? Butch "Trucking" Trucks. That's the guy. Anyway, Butch Truckford was the drummer, and so was Jai Johanny Johanson in later years. And just to clarify, Chuck Berry Oakley was bass and Dickey Betts was rhythm guitar...but wait, where does Duane Allman go? And what about Gregg? GODDAMNIT!

The Allman "WE'RE AN AMERICAN BAND" Brothers came together in 1969, a feat John Lennon would be proud of. They released their first album with a bunch of songs on it with guitars and drums and such, and the album was considered somehow reasonable. Other albums would follow, and it would give them recognition for sounding reasonable. Rolling Stone said about the Allman Brothers in the Year of Our Ford 696, "They're reasonable."

Later Years[edit]

The Allman Brothers continued being reasonable until Duane Allman decided that being reasonable was boring. He went on a motorcycle ride and drove with Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper. When the rest of the band found out about this betrayal, they fired Duane because, "he was pandering to Steppenwolf, and nobody gives a rat's ass about them." Duane got severely depressed, and by 1971, Duane jumped off a cliff...into a flatbed truck where he hid and never came back. Theorists state that Duane is still living in a house by the San Andreas Fault in California, though the chances of that happening are entirely too great. No one has searched for Duane because the rest of the Allman Brothers didn't care and nobody knew where California was, even after that god-awful incident in Monterey. He was assumed "dead", and it was left at that.

The Allman Brothers quickly moved on, and hired some new guy named Cliff or Ray or Alex Lifeson or Levar Burton or something ending in Williams, Williamson, or Wilhelm. Anyways, they replaced Duane with that guy, and things began to get difficult from here. Gregg Allman wanted to continue making albums, but other guitarist Dickey Betts wanted to slow everything down because he was too lazy to write stuff for Gregg. Eventually, Gregg decided that having a band was boring and moved on to a solo career, and Betts did the same. The other remaining members of the band all went to work at Good Burger, and to this day they are working full-time, with a dental plan.

Gregg would later marry Cher, but Gregg did not realize Cher was a polygamist and her other partner, Sonny, was a Mormon. Gregg ditched the marriage eleventy-twelve years later and worked solo until the Year of Our Ford 888111222, when The Allman Brothers got back together to play reasonably again.

Controversey[edit]

As early as 2000 The Allman Brothers have had allegations placed on them that all major members, past and present, have been addicted to kitten huffing and I burning your dog. In fact, that is supposedly one of the major reasons that Dickey Betts was banned from the band several years ago. Story has it that he enjoyed I burning your dog and Gregg Allman preferred kitten huffing. One night at a his house Gregg had just huffed 10 high quality orange kittens when Dickey tried to hide Gregg's kitten stash box. Gregg saw him and then called Dickey a "Dog Burning Motherfucker". Dickey then grabbed a beer bottle, broke it in half, and hit Gregg on the head with it. After hitting Gregg, Dickey ran out of his house to hide in the nearby woods. The next day while all The Allman Brothers except Betts were recording at the studio,Dickey showed up at the door. Gregg Allman ordered a close by security guard to take Dickey away and as he was forcebly dragged away he screamed, "Fuck you Gregg, you kitten huffing maniac. Your momma must not have raised you right you ballsucking son of a bitch!" Betts would later be removed from the band. Another incident involving kitten huffing happened before Duane Allman's fatal motorcycle crash. It is said that Duane Allman was in the recording studio with Eric Clapton when Clapton offered Allman a kitten to huff and Allman accepted. Allman would go on to huff 20 more kittens while Clapton sat and watched. After the kitten huffing session Allman climbed onto his motorcycle and drove away. Eric Clapton then got into a truck and followed Allman onto an empty road. Allman, after huffing so many kittens, was disorientated and his motorcycle was swerving onto the other side of the road. Clapton, taking advantage of this situation, rammed his truck into the back of Allman's motorcycle and Allman was killed on impact. It is also possible that Berry Oakly's fatal accident that occurred three blocks away from Duane's can be attributed to kitten huffing.

Trivia[edit]

  • Gregg Allman DID Cher, that's right, he actually DID her, Jesus Christ, what an idiot.
  • Midnight Rider is actually a song about Gregg Allman avoiding the police after his 1976 drugbust.
  • Duane had an addiction to the cough medicine Coricidin. He played slide with all the used up bottles he had laying around.
  • The Allman Brothers Band symbol, the mushroom, was actually a tribute to the drug of the same name.
  • Gambling Man is about the addiction Dickey Betts had to gambling.

Selected Discography[edit]

  • Shitting Post (Released on the album The Almond Brothers Band - 1969)
  • (Really Messed Up) Dreams (Released on the album The Almond Brothers Band - 1969)
  • Midday Slider (Released on the album Fuckwilde South - 1970)
  • In Memory of Oscar Wilde (Released on the album Fuckwilde South - 1970)
  • Homosexual Blues (Released on the album At Fillmore Yeast - 1971)
  • Wastin Time Lately (Released on the album Drink Some Bleach - 1972)
  • Mountain Dew (Released on the album Drink Some Bleach - 1972)
  • Melissa (Is a Filthy Whore) (Released on the album Drink Some Bleach - 1972)
  • Blue Tie (Released on the album Drink Some Bleach - 1972)
  • Two Ways Out (Released on the album Drink Some Bleach - 1972)
  • Jessica (Stole My Car) (Released on the album Mothers and Misters - 1973)
  • (My Dick Is) Mouthbound (Released on the album Mothers and Misters - 1973)
  • (My Stomach Looks Like) Jelly Jelly (Released on the album Mothers and Misters - 1973)
  • Gambling Man (Released on the album Mothers and Misters - 1973)
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