The Amazing Randi

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The Amazing Randi (do NOT stare at him!)

“Is he dead yet? I ate my elbow, and it didn't taste good. I WANT MY MILLION DOLLARS!!”

"James Randi" is the stage name of The Amazing Randi, a victim of satyrisis and a recovering magician. After learning to perform such "amazing" feats as pretending to saw a woman in half, making himself disappear and, unfortunately, reappear, and causing his penis to become erect and bark like a dog, The Amazing Randi became a scientific skeptic, dedicating himself to exposing the fraud of men and women who perform such "amazing" feats as pretending to saw a woman in half, making themselves disappear and, unfortunately, reappear, and causing their penises or clitorises to become erect and bark like a dog.

Professional Life[edit]

Another Canadian celebrity pretending to be an American, The Amazing Randi traveled all the way to Las Vegas, Nevada from Toronto to establish Doubters Anonymous, an organization that offers $1,000,000 to anyone who can prove the existence of paranormal or supernatural phenomena in a circus tent before a paying crowd of 50,000, at $20 a ticket. He also appears as bullshit on magicians Penn and Teller’s television show, There’s One Born Every Minute, which capitalizes on the simple belief systems of naïve and simpleminded fans of magic and legerdemain. “It’s a nice job, if you can get it,” The Amazing Randi says.

Incarceration[edit]

The Amazing Randi as a teen--note the acne and psoriasis

He developed an interest in iconoclastic revelation as a teen, about the same time that he began practicing magic to impress girls. Of unfortunate appearance as an adolescent and the victim of both severe acne and dry, flaking skin as well as gynecomastia (the development of female breasts in males), The Amazing Randi hoped that, by cutting his date in half or making himself invisible, he could convince her to fornicate with him in the back seat of his Saab. He persisted, even when his tricks did not turn out as he’d intended, earning him a temporary berth in Marion State Penitentiary for date rape in 1943, where he became "special friends" with his cellmate, Big Bubba the Bruiser. After his release on parole two years later, The Amazing Randi decided to join the ranks of the Enchanted Escapologists, a group dedicated to learning how to break out of straightjackets, handcuffs, prison cells, and the heartbreak of psoriasis.

Self-described Mountebank and Scoundrel[edit]

Despite his distaste for any and all things that smack of magic, The Amazing Randi supported himself by surviving in a sealed coffin for one hour and 33 minutes, escaping from a straightjacket while suspended upside down over Niagra Falls, extracting teeth while under the influence of amnesia during an Alice Cooper concert, and penning his autobiography, Mountebank and Scoundrel. The success of his book, a “confession of deception, lies, falsehoods, frauds, and fakery,” prompted The Amazing Randi to turn against his fellow mountebanks and scoundrels, starting with Uri Geller, the father of the actress Sarah Michelle Gellar, who spells her last name differently than her father in the hope of dissociating herself from him in the public’s mind. In Naked Truth: Uri Geller Exposed, The Amazing Randi published nude pictures of Geller that showed his erect penis pressing surreptitiously against and bending the handle of a spoon he held below the top of a table. Unfortunately for The Amazing Randi, his expose contained a number of misstatements--lies, according to Geller--about its subject. For example, The Amazing Randi claimed that Geller had once been convicted of date rape after seeking to enchant a high school girl with a “magic penis trick.”

Latest Tricks[edit]

The Amazing Randi joined the Committee for Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal (CSICP), an organization that likes really long acronyms, but the group threw him out when he refused to stop lying about Geller. A hemorrhoid, Number 3163, was named after him. His greatest trick, The Amazing Randi claims, was his making a scientist kill himself, which he says he did by explaining to him how Geller bent spoons with his erection.

Litigation[edit]

Geller and The Amazing Randi have sued and counter sued so many times that they are both bankrupt. Nevertheless, The Amazing Randi continues to believe that “skepticism is at least as profitable a commodity as magic.”

The 1 million dollar challenge[edit]

The Amazing Randi has offered to pay $1 million US dollars to the first person capable of licking their own elbows. After 38 years the check has still not been claimed, leading Randi to assert that only through trickery can one touch their tongue to their own elbow.

The offer began in 1969, when The Amazing Randi discovered that the leader of the cult "The Crescent of Orion", Emmanuel Kristi, had convinced his followers he was divine by licking his elbows; and went on to convince every one of his 15,000 followers that they too would be blessed with this miracle if they drank bleach.

“I don't know how I do it, you know. I just say lick! Lick! I want it to lick, and it just happens. Everyone has the power within them; you need only to search within yourself, and focus and train your own power.”

~ Emmanuel Kristi, 1943-1968

The Amazing Randi has performed the trick himself in front of large crowds of people, showing how it can be performed using the old magician's technique of "slight of elbow". However many have noticed that, unlike Emmanuel, he always wears a loose fitting blazer when performing the feat, and that the arm of the elbow he licks appears much shorter and more "wobbly" than his left arm.

“What would I do if someone came along that was able to lick their own elbows? I don't need people who can lick their elbows to make my life more complete, but if I knew that there were people out there that could lick their own elbows that would make my universe 100 times more amazing, and it would be worth the money.”

External Link[edit]

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