The American Tourist
“Run! Run for your lives! It's the Samsonite Man”
Endangered subspecies of the Americans, travel by the American species has been on the decline worldwide due in large part to the mis-information taught in public schools. Said schools tell that everything to be seen, can be seen in America. The absence of all countries but America and Japan (who produce their coveted "large motor vehicles" ) on the students globe, may also contribute to the tourists decline. As of today, thirty-seven nations have closed their borders to American Tourists following repeated inappropriate comments made in the presence of historical items and buildings. American Tourists tend to be over-weight and extremely annoying.
The War on Tourism has added to the problem. Americans are increasingly scared shitless because almost everyone outside America is pissed at their president. Today, American tourists only go abroad in large parties (up to 100,000), driving around in big steel-plated Hummers, Bradleys and Abrams and re-enacting scenes from Rambo. Hiding in their armored cars they accuse the rest of the world of being cowards. Favorite places include Baghdad and Falluhahaha.
The most recent American tourist uniform consists of:
- Desert camouflage clothing.
- Army boots.
- An M16.
- A big fat military vehicle which they won't leave, unless being blown out of it by another car-bomb.
- Citing quotes from George W. Bush.
- fat guy in a little coat
Simulation theory: The theory that American tourism has sharply declined due to many Americans now believing that after entering the plane, boat, car or industrial strength crate, they do not move but have the surroundings changed by the State Department in an attempt to terrify citizens into never leaving the country.
Gravitational Theory: The theory that airlines have finally started paying attention to weight restrictions on their planes and are no longer willing to transport above the 29000kg limit (roughly 2.7 American tourists).
Health Care Theory: The theory that, due to numerous initiatives by the CIA and the FBI, Americans actually believe they have the best health care system in the world and wouldn't dare taking risk of going anywhere else in case they cannot call their HMO to ask if they're allowed to have their Hemoptysis cured before they bleed to death.