The Baker

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The Divine prophet of Cheesecakeism whom baked the most delicious cheesecake in all existence some 20,000 years ago, known only as The Baker

If the Baker did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

~ Voltaire on The Baker

“The Baker is a lot like the grocery business, every day people come in to buy their food and their drinks and then every once in a while, a child gets snatched away by a 40 year old man and is sexual assaulted in the alley behind the store.”

~ Sartre on The Baker

“I am The Baker.”

~ Xukkan on revealing his identity

“He bakes things. Obviously”

~ Captain Obvious on The Baker

The Divine prophet of The Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc and the Cheesecakeian faith whom baked the most delicious cheesecake in all existence some 20,000 years ago. He is known only as The Baker and is commonly recognised by his Italian appearance, chef uniform, moustache, and sacred glowing heart, which he isn't afraid to wear on his chest.


In 18,467 BC the Baker first determined that he would create the Ultimate Cheesecake after the God passed the recipe written in the now forgotten language of Habyla and the divine hotplate of heaven into the hands of the divine prophet.

The Baker began the creation of the Cake. The Ultimate Cheesecake of Salvation took 247 years to construct, and measured 16m tall by 7m wide. Although no eyewitness accounts still exist, it was reputedly very creamy and so irresistibly delicious-looking that it singed the eyeballs of all who viewed it without protective goggles.

When the Ultimate Cheesecake was finally completed, a great disaster befell the earth on a tram. Time itself stopped dead, having been so shocked by the gloriousness of the Cheesecake that it forgot to function like a buzzard.

The Divine Cookbook written by The Baker in approximately 18,012 BC though not published until March 15th 2006

This major event in the world's history was quickly aleviated when The Baker finally translated The Divine Cookbook, restoring peace and time to the Universe. In 18,012 BC, (some century after the creation of the Ultimate Cheesecake) The Baker used the newly bestowed powers of literacy to translate the Ultimate Cheesecake Recipe.

After giving this new text life, The Baker changed his name to Bob and moved to a Bakery in a dimension slightly to the left of our own where he lived a quiet life baking cakes for almost 15 000 years. Sometime around the 3rd century AD he released a new book called "A Teaspoon: Why Heaven is an unhospitable place to live". Although being quite controversial in its written structure, and receiving very poor sales and reviews initially, word of mouth quickly spread through the ancient world, and it eventually proved to be a best seller, and the same critics whom had initially panned it, changed re evaluated their assessments, and he began to receive countless top grade reviews, garnering many top writer awards. Spurred on by success The Baker followed his seminal fictional piece by its less critically acclaimed sequel some hundred years later, aptly titled "Life through the individual perspective of a jar of Raspberry Jam". Sales performed poorly for this release initially also, though this time they did not pick up later. It was almost unanimously panned by critics, whom often claimed that he was out of date with the times, and would need to greatly alter his writing style and subject matter if he wished to remain relevant in a time of great social change, when the Roman Empire was gradually losing power the increasing barbarian communities, who cared far less for literature then the Romans. Unfortunately no copies of these two texts remain, as all were presumably burnt in the Great Cheesecake fire of 715 AD. A disgruntled Baker, once massive socialite, fed up with writing now, and refusing to cater for a barbaric and uneducated audience, became a recluse in his left dimensional bakery, rarely leaving, except to buy the groceries. Close friends, reported they saw less and less of him over the next millennium, and state that he become obsessive with his baking, reportedly doing little else. Apparently trying to refine and perfect his design for a second Ultimate Cheesecake of Salvation. Unfortunately these plans never came to fruition, as his plans for a second Divine Cheesecake was discovered by a recently established secret society of Chefs. Ever weary of the destruction of the universe, they viewed The Bakers attempts as foolish and possibly extremely dangerous, as it was theorised that any cake of the divine variety, not baked to perfection, would be far more destructive then useful. In 1435 the Piemaker’s Guild raided the Baker's Left Dimensional Bakery, destroying the initial Cheesecake of Salvation, along with all plans for the second. It is still unknown what happened to the Baker, and much debated amongst Cheesecake theologians, though the general consensus remains that he most probably perished in the flurry, or when the Piemaker's set fire to the Bakery.


See also[edit]

  • Ironic Cheesecake concepts and personages
    • The Butcher
    • The Baker
    • The Candlestick Maker
    • The Anti-Baker
    • The Council of Nine
    • Ironic calendar
    • Ironic Pope
    • Freudism
    • Amor
    • Perpetual Spiritual Empire