The Beast

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The first sighting of The Beast. If you look closely enough you can see the black little dot in the center of the sun. Unfortunately The Beasts ugliness does not show so well on this image...

In the beginning, there was nothing. There were no names. For anything. Then, god screwed up. And he felt like swearing and cursing about it. So he created "words". That miserable thing he just created needed a name, too. Having created the English language in all it's beauty within 2 milliseconds, he gave this mistake the simple name The Beast. It's age can merely be guessed because it has been there since the birth of mankind. For all these centuries it wandered around scaring people with it's undescribeable ugliness.

No one has ever seen The Beast (Walt Disney claimed to have seen it but who ever believed a word he said), but he can easily be reached by dialing 666.

Early Life[edit]

The Beast is older than Mother Theresa. Growing up in Detroit, The Beast never really had the chance to live a merry life. During school, it was constantly mocked by the other Beasts (Alien, Predator, "Nessy" Loch Ness, Frankenstein III., Oprah, The Thing, Slimer, André Heller and all the others).

Since it failed whenever trying to attain a regular job, it decided to get into the "scaring business", which is up to now dominated by ghosts. One day The Beast went out of it's cave to place a comment on Klaus "The Maus" Kinski. You can find this quote in the Klaus Kinski article.

After telling this comment to a paparazzi, The Beast is said to have exclaimed the following:

Cquote1.png Möök berhaven ... mmmmffff ... NAAAAAAAAAAAAArrrgaaahmmmmm mmmmmmm nnnnNNNNNaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAA Cquote2.png

It disappeared shortly after. Many folks claim that god himself is The Beast as a sort of "quatrinity" and tries to scare men as an alternative satisfaction to the irreversible failure of creating them. "Now you know why god just hates you... YES YOU!!!"

“In Soviet Russia, Beast is beautiful, not YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on The Beast

Love Life[edit]


It's not like the ugliest creature in the universe is born without feelings! In 1991, The Beast had withdrawn from the outside world, living in a fortress far away from any kind of civilised life ... that is, somewhere in Canada. Despite the many measures taken to be absolutely sure that no living soul may find this place, a woman going by the name Belle found the miserable creature. With her soul dark and sadistic, she tempted The Beast into having sexual intercourse with her. As The Beast did not grant entrance for her, she started taking off her cloth and jumping maniacally up and down the nearest windows of the fortress.

“Will you respect me in the morning?”

~ Belle on a night with The Beast

“Will you shut the hell up??”

~ The Beast on one-night-stands

After impregnating the female, The Beast did the only right thing to do in his miserable situation. He threw her out. Nine months later, Belle gave birth to the Elephant Man. Up to this day, The Beast denies any relation to who is probably the second ugliest creature in the universe: Belle--- uh, wait. The Elephant Man, of course!

The Beast in Popular Culture[edit]


A rather silly impression of The Beast. Its left hand is never on fire! But that's the artists freedom, I guess.

In order to prepare the world for the worst, the maniacs at Disney studios tried to do an animated documentary to tell the tale of The Beast. The movie turned out rated PG18 when it first screened due to graphic depiction of violence, sexual encounters, outrageously violent violence, sadistic behaviour, more violence and Kittens. In the course of events, almost two thirds of the film were removed or censored and the circumcized movie was then released. It featured a rather harmless depiction of The Beast (see picture) and a less slutty character representing The Beast's short-time-affair Belle (better not look that up!). The movie was a critical desaster, but the audiences were going Wilde about it, worldwilde.

“It is rather far away from the truth, but I like it anyways. I look less fat in it!”

~ The Beast on "The Beauty And The Beast"

This quote was delivered by The Lion King (a close friend and ally of The Beast) but the authenticity could not be attested.

Others (rather silly section. Please skip that)[edit]

Raphael Kovichkov claims to have seen The Beast on April 1st last year. "Yeah, right!"

In 1998, the famous russian artist Raphael Kovichkov messed with MS Paint and declared it a "completely nu form of arrt!" (sic). After six years he released it into public domain to help spread the word. His work has influenced other well-known artists world wide including Dave Anez ( - one of the first "Mega Man Pr0n" comics), R. Crumb (you do know him!) and David Letterman (I guess that's the only guy you DON'T recognize ...).

Of course, it is trivial and blasphemic to draw The Beast, because you're not supposed to draw god either. And The Beast obviously is god himself. Par lé vous francoise? Hic, qui est vir turpissime, tempus edax rerum. Ite! Yes, go away! Nihilism. Uhum, whatever. We have found a photograph of this image that was released under Creative Commons License. Enjoy it, if you can.


The Beast (believed to look just as vicious as that). Hideous, don't you think?
  • The Beasts bunghole is the size of a pineapple. Twenty-five people easily fit in. In fact, there's are some in there now!
  • The Beast actually IS your mum!
  • The Beast does not give autographs.
  • The Beast has rights like any other man.
  • The Beast can fart reversed.
  • The Beast likes to start sentences with "The Beast ..."
  • The Beast is relatively beastly.
  • The Beast has a strange appeal for the numbers 666 and 13.
  • The Beast listens to music such as the Scissor Sisters.
  • The Beast met Pete Townshend
  • The beast has AIDS and isn't afraid to use it
  • The beast eats through its ass and shits through its mouth
  • The beast is not an animal...the beast is a HUMAN BEING!!!!!!!