The Beverly Hillbillies
- 1 What This Story Is About
- 2 What This Story is Not About
- 3 Wee Doggy, Lets meet the family then shall we
- 4 Friendly Folks To The Clampets
- 5 A Day In The Life Of The Clampets
- 6 Dr Granny
- 7 Yall Come Back Now, Ya Hear!
- 8 Related Links
What This Story Is About
Well howdy folks, this here's a story about a man named Jed, a poor mountaineer who barley kept his family fed, then ones day he was a shootin' at some food, when up from the ground came a bubblin' brood.... oil that is...also known as black gold or Texas Tea. Well the first thing you know, ole Jed's a millionaire, his kin folk said, "Jed, Move away from there" they said, "California is the place you outta be" so they loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly... Hills, that is. Swimming pools, and movie stars.
What This Story is Not About
This story is not about you just sitting right there, and me telling you about how I became the "fresh prince of Belaire."
Wee Doggy, Lets meet the family then shall we
Ole' Jed is the old fart of the show. He likes to sit by the cement pond and cut strips of wood, and be darned if he can work out why it ain't legal to touch his daughter Elly Mai and his nefue Jethro inappropriately now they's a in the big city smog. But he knows a better then to try and poke around with ole Granny, hehe yes, sir, he knows damn well that ole Granny's fanny has turned to silly putty, and she can squat on a newspaper and come up with Garfield on her cooter.
Jed was once married to Elly May's mom, and Jethro's mothers, cousins, first aunt, twice removed, nephews, niece's sister who was also Jed's brother's sisters daughter who was in love with the family dog but decided to get hitched to ole Jed on a dime when he knocked her up by accident and her father who was also Jed's grandfather's daddy, well he did force 'em at gun point to get a hitched. But Jed ended up skinning that bitch by a accident one day when he was thinking he was a fixing to skin a stick with his knife but it turned out it was her tiny wee iddy bitty penis she had, and Jed figured, "well, I cut's the doodle off, no point in a letting the rest go to waste" so he skinned the rest of her and her for "Sundey suppa".
Daisy May Moses
Daisy May, Aka: "Granny" is even older then Ole' Jed. Why, she's so old she farts dust she does. She is also a raging alcoholic who brews up her own moonshine, as she reckons the city booze taste like "sex in a canoe"... meaning it's fucking too close to water. Yes, Sir, ole Granny, she's a lively one, she will whoop your ass when she's in heat and you don't wanna plant any baby batter inside her hootin' fanny. Why I seen this one time, Jethro and Jed refused to eat her special supper out of her stink hole, and she beat the hell 'n tarnation out of both of 'em for wasting a perfectly good Skun-Roast.
Granny was also miss gangbang 1909, and boy god, was she even ugly back then, but don't you go a tellin' Granny I told's you that, or else she might prepare a skun-roast just for me and I know that the white tailed mouse a being hiding in Granny's hole getting fatter. You know what's a I mean? Shyuck, Shyuck... no? Well, hows about the ketchup sauce is a dripping out's of the furry taco? Ok, hyeah hyeah, youse a get it now!
Jethro is the smartest of the group. He's a went to Oxford. Yes sir, he really did, and he did a mighty fine job of mowing their lawn too. Jethro graduated the 6th grade, and he will brag to you himself when he holds up 3 fingers and say's it only took him 4 years!
Jethro is also the only member of the family to be circumcised. It happened a when he was around 12 years of age, and he was playing a game of "hide the cock in Elly Mays mouth" when Jethro's twin sister Jethrine a come a long and kicked Elly May right square in the in the jaw.
Elly May Clampet
Whoo wee, wee doggy, here's the beautiful big blond bimbo who can twist your jimmys into a pretzel then body-slam you across the room, all for just trying to kiss her hand cause she think's your a fixin to bite her hand, yuck yuck.
She loves all kinds of vermin and critters, why I reckon she's a got more then two of every animal, it would make Moses look like a squat & gobble chicken fucker. Elly is also a virgin, well, in the Vagina that is... well, not counting that time her daddy came home drunk and used Elly-May as a contraceptive against the aids virus when he a porked Miss Hathaway in the poop shooter cause he thought she was a skinny little cow in need of a milk refill.
Friendly Folks To The Clampets
He owns this big bank in Beverly Hills and he makes a fortune out of it. His wife is an old stick in the mud, so he often fixes to bring her to the Clampets as a shield just in case Granny straps on a dildo or one of Elly-Mays pet Gorillas wants to fuck something in the mouth and throw poopie in their face.
She this skinny ugly lookin' secretary of Mr Drysdale that has twin sons. Least we think they are twins, we can't possible imagine someone fucked her twice. She really likes Jethro, even tho she's old enough to be his sister. She can often be found dressed in whips & chains with Granny teaching her how to milk a cow... she get's there eventually, but no one has the heart to tell those crazy old cooks that they don't own a cow, it's a flaming bull for crying out loud.
And the rest
There is other characters too, but we's a don't give a purdy little fuck in Grannys mouth about tellin' you about them, nor their stupid old dog that farts fleas.
A Day In The Life Of The Clampets
Being Millionaires, yad probably think they would use there money to settle down and retire, start a inbred family, have a deformed kid, hand him a chainsaw and tell him if he wants a new face, go chop one off some passing stoners with a chainsaw... but nope, they be farmers at heart, so they buy a lot of cattle and breed 'em.
They bought emselves these 5 cows and a bull, but they couldn't get the damn bull to go and have it's way with them cows. Ole' Jed, he tried everything to get that there bull to mate with them cows, but nothing a worked. But Granny, she had knowledge that big city veterinarians would suck a presidents cock and keep the stained dress for. Granny said a what you do is, ya jam your arm inside the cows beef curtains, and you swiggle it around until the cow is moist and the vaginal juices be a flowing. Then you go and wipe some of that there juice under the bulls nose, and before you know it, he'll be a moutin' that some bitch like a priest on Sunday after mass alone with an alterboy.
Surely enough, the trick worked. Ole Mr Drysdale, he saw this and wondered if it would work on humans, too? So he snuck up to Elly Mays rooms one night, slipped in beside her while she was a sleepin'. He reached down between her legs and got her all nice and moist then he wiped it under his nose. Within a few moments, he was harder then a Micheal Jackson watching Sesame Street. He shooke Elly-May telling her to wake up, he had something to show her, and when Elly-May a woke, she turned on the light and looked at Mr Drsyadale and she said, "You woke me up to tell's me you had a blood nose, Mr Drsyadale?"
Granny May Moses, she also knows medicine of the land, why folks come from miles around to get her natural remedies. She could cure anything, except one thing... well, the story about that goes, when they moved to Beverly Hills, they realized their was these people called "homosacksuals" or as Granny likes to put it, "visitors to Vegemite valley" and one of them "homesacksuals" come to visit Granny and asked her if she could cure his aids.
Granny mixed up an elixir of prune juice, laxatives, chili sauce, hot beans, and all kinds of extra hot spicy elements and told the limp wrist-ed donut puncher to drink up. He said, "Am I cured now, Granny?" she said, "No, dummy. There ain't no cure for aids, but when your asshole stops burning, you'll know what your butt was really meant to be used for."
Yall Come Back Now, Ya Hear!
Well now it's time to say goodbye to Jed and all his kin, we'd kindly like to thank you folks for kindly droppin' in, you're all invited back to this locality, to have a heepin' helpin' of their inbred hospitality. Kick your shoes, off, but don't get aids now, ya hear?
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