The Chicken Man

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The Chicken Man, during The KFC-Avian War

The Chicken Man (born Eric Kostelnik) (He is French)(He is Communist) (February 13 1945 - June 12 2019) is a Pan-Avian, Ultra-Nationalist, Highly Decorated War Hero and the founder of the Avian Republic of Kentuckistan (ARK). He was credited for his military exploits in numerous wars including The Chicken Independence War, The Kentucky Bush War, The Kentucky Civil War, The KFC-Avian War and the Ongoing Insurgency in Kentuckistan. He was admired by animal rights activists for his struggle for chicken independence but heavily scrutinized by human rights groups and largely despised by the general meat eating human population (not vegetarians, those pussies).

Biography[edit]

Origins[edit]

The Chicken Man was originally a French Jewish man named Karl Amantpoule (Hebrew:קרל עוף מאהב) and was actually born in 1899. When the Nazis attacked Paris he was captured and sent to the numerous concentration camps. There he was subject to horrible genetic experiments, supervised by Colonel Sanders in pursuit of the perfect fried chicken recipe. But his plans were unrealised when the Soviet Red Army entered Berlin. Colonel Sanders returned to the US with the horribly mutated Mr. Amantpoule and was imprisoned in the cell of the Kentucky Fried Chicken HQ.

Rebirth as the Chicken Man[edit]

To the Chicken Man's horror as he watched his friend being consumed

. Without a recollection of his life as Karl Amantpoule he was confined in his cell along with many other chickens. Soon he discovered that chickens are actually beings from outer space and that they have crashed to Earth and enslaved for generations by humans. In light of this (and because of humans PISSING him off by turning him to a freaky monstrosity) he vowed to take up arms against humans and planned his uprising.

Soon enough the KFC discovered his plans and tortured him and fellow chickens (although the chickens died he survived the torture and witnessed the KFC staff eating his friends - to his horror!

The explosion caused by The Chicken Man for his escape killed 250 people and 2000 chickens. On a later BBC interview he said "Oops.. too big! should have used less Depleted Uranium!"

After another three months in captivity and daily torture and blood extraction (used for one of the eleven herbs and spices), he devised an ingenious plan to escape and build his utopian state for all chickens. He created a 50 megaton bomb made from the other materials of the eleven herbs and spices (especially the depleted uranium powder that they use to make the fried chicken taste so good). His escape blew the whole compound and killed every one except himself. The US government(BASTARDS) claims that it was a communist attack on American culture.

Struggle for The Chicken Homeland[edit]

The Chicken Man, leading F.U.C.K.S protest and civil disobedience campaign, before their infamous bombing and terror attacks

.

During the first few years after his escape he went underground and created an underground movement along with several other chickens called the Front for United ChicKen Sovereignty(F.U.C.K.S). The movement found much popular support from chickens and many animal rights advocates and soon they began staging protest and civil disobedience all over America. But this campaign did not trigger any changes from KFC which continues its abuse of chickens.

During this early stage of the movement he met Foghorn Leghorn who was another chicken under the KFC's oppression. Together, he became his second in command and spy inside KFC. With Foghorn Leghorn giving information The Chicken Man launched a bombing campaign in July 1961 against the many KFC restaurants all over America. By the end of the campaign, which ended in 1966, it had claimed the lives of 5273 people including 213 KFC staff from 124 restaurants. The Colonel responded to this by installing Lyndon B Johnson as President so he could ask for Military assistance. Exactly three months later the KFC formed a professional army and crushed F.U.C.K.S and killed most of its leaders and members. The Chicken Man escaped to Cuba.

The Chicken Independence War[edit]

In Cuba he was given asylum by Fidel Castro. There he met Che Guevara (Viva La Revolucion!! Long Live El Che!!) and was given extensive Guerilla Warfare training and various other military knowledge. After this he briefly went to Russia and met Leonid Brezhnev where he was given by him military equipment and numerous other aid. After this he went and gave a speech in the UN general assembly urging all chickens to join him in the fight againts KFC and the founding of The Chicken homeland. His speech captivated the hearts of many chickens worldwide and sparked the start of The Chicken Independence War on December 1967.

Heavily devastated Louisville after the 1st Battle of Louisville (note: horses were used for aid distribution because of high fuel prices)

. The first stage of the war was sporadic guerilla warfare along the state of Kentucky. Yhis lasted for six months with heavy casualties from both the U.S. Army and KFC army. Soon enough the KFC retreated to the East while parts of the West were in the Chickens' complete control. The main battleground and the most hotly contested city was Louisville which served as the main line of the fighting. In January 5 1969 the Chickens launched their first assault of the city (which was still under US/KFC control. This event become known as the 1st Battle of Louisville, 80% of the city was destroyed in the fighting and around 500.000 civilians were killed (mostly because of KFC/US air strikes and carpet bombing {IDIOTS}). In the end the chickens emerged victorious with medium casualties.

Subsequent attacks by KFC/US army were repelled in the 2nd and 3rd Battle of Louisville. In the end, because of widespread anger from the civilian population of Louisville (what was left of them, anyway) a ceasefire was agreed to (much to the disappointment of Col. Sanders) and parts of Kentucky (including heavily devastated Louisville) was given to the chickens om August 13 1969. The Chicken Man declared its independence and creation of the Avian Republic of Kentuckistan(ARK) the following night in front of millions of chickens (and people) and was broadcast worldwide.

The Chicken Man, celebrating his victory and the chicken Independence

Avian Republic of Kentuckistan(ARK)[edit]

After his declaration of Independence his first act as Prime Minister was to rebuild Louisville into a utopia for chickens, an act which he succeeded with and he carried on to strengthen the Avian National Army and Defence Force (ANADF). After success for 2 years he resigned from his Prime Ministerial post and became the Head of the ANADF. The ARK public soon elected Foghorn Leghorn for his services during the war (unbeknown to them that he was actually bribed by Col. Sanders as an "inside man" within the new republic). For 2 years the republic and its neighbours lived in peace, not knowing what Col. Sanders is planning.

The Kentucky Bush War And The Following Civil War[edit]

One of the many stupid rednecks who were employed by Col. Sanders, their genocide was received with tremendous celebrations world wide

. Col. Sanders who was PISSED OFF because of ARK's independence and the following Chicken's Rights Declaration which severely disrupted his business, chicken eating redneck militias, and commenced the Kentucky Bush War in the 70's. The militia formed a group called Born Indefinitely sTupid Chicken Haters (B.I.T.C.H) by the chickens and most of the world (that is not the real name of the group but since rednecks are so FUCKING STUPID!!!! we will accept it).

As expected the rednecks (although heavily armed) got massacred (more like genocide, as The Chicken Man ordered the execution of all redneck man, woman and child {much to the delight of the world saying that they're just a waste of space} in Kentucky) by the chickens with no casualties from the ANADF. But napalming and bombing the Fuck out of the B.I.T.C.Hes wasted many of the nation's logistical supplies and money (something that Col. Sanders intended).

But before Sanders could launch his offensive the rest of Kentucky proclaimed Independece as The Communist State of Kentuckistan and the Kentucky Civil War. Naturally the ARK sided with the communists. Col. Sanders however knew when to be patient and did not attack, knowing that the ensuing war that would last until the 1980's. During the war The Chicken Man led the joint chicken and communist forces (known as the Alliance of Socialist Kentuckistan). During this war there was an argument over who would be collectively called the Allies (like Allies and Axis). The debate still goes on to this day but most people would say it was ASK, except for those Fools in Dumbfuckistan. Anyway the Chicken Man won many honours and medals during this war and ultimately led ASK to victory.

Subsuquent Retirement and Betrayal by Foghorn Leghorn[edit]

The assassination of The Chicken Man's son Chicken Dude (Reynald Amantpoule)
Foghorn Leghorn, 2nd Prime Minister of ARK, Chief of Intelligence of ANADF and Traitor to the Avian Republic of Kentuckistan. He was later found dead (deep fried) in 2005.It was suspected that he was killed by Loyalists to The Chicken Man

By the end of the war, the Chicken Man who has already 3 children, grew wary of military life and wished to live quietly in the city. So in November 5 1988 he officially retired from his military life and passed his office to his son, Chicken Dude (also known as Reynald Amantpoule) This quiet life was short-lived, 2 years later Chicken Dude was assassinated in a car bomb intended for The Chicken Man & Foghorn Leghorn announced his defection to KFC by appearing in several KFC propaganda in the 1990's. It is widely believed that Foghorn Leghorn sent for the assassination. The chaos that ensued forced The Chicken Man to come out of retirement and kept his country from falling apart as a dictatorship.

KFC-Avian War and Exile[edit]

The first offensive launched by the KFC Army to a hospital

During his Dictatorship, Col. Sanders saw a weakened ARK, and launched a major offensive (from money made by smuggling fried chickens to sumo wrestlers in Japan) Louisville was once againt bombed to a fuckin pile of rubble, and the unprepared ANADF were caught with surprise. Although they put up fierce ressistance in Louisville led by The Chicken Man they were unable to prevent the KFC Army from taking over the rest of the territories. Soon they were surrounded and encircled in Louisville. Fierce fighting ensues, it took the KFC army 6 months of heavy fighting for them to take the city, massacres follow their victory. The Chicken Man managed to avoid capture and fled to Afghanistan, where he met Osama bin Laden and launched a new terror campaign againts KFC.

The Chicken Man during the insurgency. having converted to Islam his name is now Mullah Ali Chehi-khun Maan
Mullah Ali Chehi-khun Maan(AKA The Chicken Man) seen here taking his revenge by eating the grandson of Colonel Sanders

Insurgency and Death[edit]

After 9/11 The Chicken Man returned to Kentuckistan and launched an Insurgency, there he fought various guerrilla bttles againts the KFC Army and also launched more bombing campaigns (now employing suicide bombers and generaly targeting the human population). Because of this and George W. Bush's War on Terror campaign, he was branded a Terrorist. There is also widespread rumors that he converted to Islam and changed his name to Mullah Ali Chehi-khun Maan(Arabic:الملا علي تشي مرحبا بين خون معان). He was fighting in the front line as the commander of the Chicken Revolutionary Movement for Independence (CRMI). He kidnapped the grandson of Col. Sanders and demanded a ransom. When Sanders dismissed the threat thinking that it was a bluff, he ate his grandson in front of millions on live television. This act gained him infamy, and when reporter Alan Johnston of the BBC asked him in an interview in January 2003. He answered " He FUCKIN blew up my son and eat my people. I think it's only fair that I ate his grandson". Latter that year he was shot and killed by Sanders himself, only to be injured by an RPG after shooting him.

Legacy[edit]

After his death the chicken insurgency became more intense. Now all chickens of the world viewedg him as a martyr and vowed to take up arms againts humans. There's one behind you right now.....

Blood Spatter.jpg

So anyway he is viewed both with admiration (animal rights advocate) and anger (human rights advocate). His controversial consumption of Col. Sanders' son earned him the label of one of the worse villains in the world but his heroic struggle balances it out. No doubt a controversial figure.