The Color Problem
“What Colour Problem?”
The 'colour problem' or 'color problem' first appeared in Great Britain during the early 1980's after a whirlwind romance between Sir Clive Sinclair and heavyweight boxing champion Alan 'Sugar Daddy' Turing. Before Sinclair and Turing the colour problem was an issue that did not affect most people in their everyday lives. However, after the couple introduced the 'Sinclair Spectrum' ('Timex Sinclair' in American) it became obvious that colours were here to stay.
Although Sinclair subsequently left the relationship to concentrate on his Formula 1 career (see right) the world would never be the same again...
Keith Kenneth Knowle of Brixton Riots remembers the time well:
“Oh yea, I remember what it was like... Before Sinclair and Turing came along you could walk the streets without fear...colours started appearing all over the place... First it was just 16 of them, then 128, soon 65536 and these days there are millions of em all runnin over the county, you just don't feel safe in your own home these days. Bloody speckys peeking and poking all over the place with their rubber keys and pointless loading screens...”
Attempts by P.C. spokesman to reduce panic failed, and the colour problem became one of the 'Big Four' issues of the 21st Century on a par with freedom of religious expression, sexual equality and Apple iMac ownership...
After a poor start and despite Michael Jackson claiming "It doesn't matter if you're black or white" many more problems followed. Largely because, well you know about Michael Jackson...
When troubles got so bad that colours could not live together on an equal basis Alan Turing and partner Jim Crow invented 'The Turing Test' in an effort to remedy some of the problems he had caused. The test was used to decide which colours were better than others, and so greatly improved colour relations. To perform the test those involved would sit naked in their rooms with a computer keyboard typing messages not knowing whether they were talking to a real person or a machine.
Red, Green and Blue Supremacy
Many of the colour problems came from one group or another considering themselves to be more important or superior than the others. Probably the most notable and disruptive of these groups was the 'RGB' movement or as they described themselves 'The Primary Colours'. A coalition of secondary colours joined by colourless-ness and translucence called for the creation of a new universal colour classification system that recognized the "dynamic vibrancy" added by all colours given that "when it comes to colours, we are all part of the same rainbow." Primary Colours leader Roy G Biv was unavailable for comment.
Colour Problems in Sport
The field of sports was not unaffected by the colour problem. The modern game of football (football if you're American) had more than its fair share of difficulties. Troubles often started due to the appearance of 'reds' or 'yellows' mostly caused by the 'the bastard in the black', an individual who's precise identity still remains a mystery despite thousands of fans politely enquiring of it each week. Mr Norbert Adolph Zacharia Isaac of National Fronts comments:
“Oh yea, it was when that bastard in the black pulled out that fu*king red that it all kicked off, I mean we all thought that maybe it shoulda have been a yellow, but when it came out red? Well, everyone started screaming and shouting all over the place, scared the hell out of the kids it did!”
Keep Colours Separate
|Beautiful like a Rainbow|
The 'Campaign for the Sorting and Separation of Colours' or 'True Colours' was started in 1986 by Billy Steinberg and Cyndi Lauper. The campaign got lots of colours into hot water with the premise that if allowed to mix they would fade over time and run all over the place causing dyeing in surrounding areas as well as probably turning all your white shirts pink.
Colours who got in a spin over the campaign were known as 'colour fast'. Some fast colours where able to resist running at lower temperatures such as 30°C, 40°C and 60°C however even they had to admit that at 90°C it became very difficult to maintain their rather bold position. Despite the spin surrounding the issue, most found themselves washed up afterwards, completely rinsed and seldom when pressed appreciated the ironing. The cycle continues to this day.
The 'Green Party' complicated things still further by insisting that green issues were more important than others.
Probably the most significant green activists were Zippy, George and Bungle Baulks or '"Rainbow"' as they would become known. For a time the leader of Rainbow, Mr Bungle Baulks had everyone snookered with his green baize views regarding the position of white. Mr Balks insisted that whether you looked though the round, square or triangular window anything past 'the Baulk-Line' was usually a very safe position to leave the white.
The views of Green House politics began to appear rather transparent when Tiger Woods chipped in from an off green position showing a hole in one of their policies. The additions of Rod, Jane and Freddy (who everyone thought were a bit pants) weakened Rainbow further, and when it became possible to completely silence Zippy, Rainbow slowly began to fade from view.
A Beginning of the end of the Troubles
Thankfully, given time some colours began to get along and a number of groups appeared making it look possible that an end to the troubles could be insight.
Blacks and Whites Unite
In an movement which has become known as grey, black and white were able to set their differences aside and mix together. Diehards perpetuated the troubles by rejecting grey politics as a "shady view", claiming that "black and white are not really colors" but an end to their problems appeared possible.
When Edwin Bubble noticed that red had started to move its position in the spectrum it become apparent that the universe was indeed a very large place and probably expanding all the time. With this new appreciation of their own insignificance other colours followed suit and slowly started to put their differences and problems of the past aside...
Colour vs Color
In a desperate attempt to prolong the troubles the Wikipedia managed to drag the issue onto the international stage of the Internet by inciting hatred between the colors (mostly of the north American sub-continent) and the colours of the rest of the world. When the tomayto-tomahto riots (organised by Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers) broke out it looked like all previous progress had been for nothing. In a last ditch attempt to quell fighting and bring harmony to the world Uncylopedia spokesman Oscar Wilde made the following statement:
Unlike those fascists over at Wikipedia we here at Uncylopedia believe that there is room in our namespace for both colour and color. No simple #REDIRECT or attempt to take ownership of a word will ever solve the issue as such actions will only cause further problems. The solution must be found in the appreciation that all colours and colors are the same albeit perceived in a different light. We must all learn to blend together and as such, I hereby name this article 'The coler Problem'.
“This article is now called...'The Color Problem'...”