The Console War

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The Console War
Part of World War 3
Date March 21, 2005
Location Xbox Island, PlayStation Island, Nintendo land
Result Who knows, the war is still going on?
Wii60 PlayStation Nation
Master Cheif, Mario, A koopa troopa PaRappa the Rapper (deceased), Micheal Jordan, Micheal Jackson, Phil Harrison
A LOT 5.53 millon soliders
100,000 50,000

NinTendo is both A fascist country and a clandestine world evil, making games that are eternally overrated and lacKing any rEal InnovaTion, despite the fact Nintendo have BrAnded themselves as the most boring forCe in the entire cosmos.K

The Country[edit]

Nintendo soldiers capture xBox island, a key point in the war.

For many years Nintendo was engaged in a prolongled conflict with the nation known as Sega. Some of the fiercest battles in history were waged between these warring fations. Most notably was the battle of Genesis. This battle resulted in a stalemate but Nintendo were well equiped to fight on whereas Sega was on the brink of collapse. The Segans eventually signed a peace accord in the Halls of Versaille which brought an end to years of bitter war.

In the post war years Nintendo was just a somewhat gentle nation, sharing an uneasy peace with the Playstionians. However on November 15th 2001, Nintendo was invaded by the Nation of xBox, under the rule of the Microsoft government monarchy, led by Linus Torvalds and Steve Jobs. The xBoxians had intended to make Nintendo a colony where they would force the Nintendian people to make shitty games for their oversized consoles.

The xBoxians maintained dominant control of the Nintendo nation for 5 years. However, rebel groups of Nintendo characters led by Reggie Fils-Aime, Mario, Mr. T and Three of the four Links, attacked in a series of waves of terrorist attacks until they had managed to capture the xBox main camp on xBox Island, thus forcing xBox out of their country temporarily. Their main challenge was to face the "respawning" of a two-player Halo 2 game. As they just had managed to kill one, he respawned as the non-existant second player hid. To overcome this they managed to persuade the player to set the mode to "legendary". 20 minutes later the player had stormed off in a huff and saying that the xBox had cheated. As the groups advanced forwards many a life was taken, luckily they had managed to find 1-ups along the way. The main part of the war was the Battle of Bob-bomb Land. Just when the Nindendogs-of-war thought they had lost, Mario came forward, and after eating a mushroom, he expanded to 3 times his size and wadded through the whole of the XBoxians' mix'n'match army of Timesplitter's 3 characters. However things turned around after Cortex went back in time and switched the mushroom with a shrinking one, so Mario was sick. But then Pac-Man came forward and ate them all after consuming a cherry power-up. Pac-Man then proceeded to eat the ghosts of the soldiers lost.

When xBox attempted to re-establish its colony, Nintendo had had enough of their shit and forced the xBoxians into a bloody eight-year war that culminated in xBox defeat and shortly afterwards their retreat. This war has been recorded as the Nintendo Revolution.

This war was a horrible battle and both sides attempted to increase their technology substantially. With the xBoxian's created the new 360, and Ghost Recon Advanced Warfare, and the Nintendogs-of-war generating their new DS Lite, meaning they could go anywhere and unleash new-style old-school ownage upon the highly-advanced but only just refurbished weapons and armour of the Tom Clancy characters. The two sides were forced to put their diffrences aside, however, after the Playstionian army invaded both, thus the Wii60 alliance was formed.

The Wii60 alliance was a powerful force, lead by main characters from both the Nintendo side such as Mario and Mecha Donkey Kong, and from the xBoxians such as Sam Fisher and Master Cheif. They managed to stand strong both in the country of Nintendo and that of Microsoft as they found that the 18 years of war before it had only made them stronger which allowed them to crush the Sonish army and the newly formed Wii60 combination ruled the world for decades to come.

Until Mario flipped off Steve Jobs, but's that's another story.

(The story of Playstionian wars begins when ace combat squadron bombs the land of nintendo. Pixy-"yo mario, still alive?")

The Nintendo HQ Massacre[edit]

The cleverly hidden NOA HQ in the north-east

The years of peace with the Playstationians were finally ending, it seemed that Playstationians wanted to start a Marketing chain making fun of Nintendo Of America. Nintendo put their foot down and the war began between the two raging companies.

The Playstationians were furious, they decided to get a group of expert spys such as Solid Snake, Rikimaru, and Gabriel Logan to sneak in and destroy Nintendo's next generation console. But in spite of their attempts they ended up finding their way into a locker room with piles of Employee dirty toys. They snatched them and nationally held Nintendo ransom for the dolls back, it was worldwide blackmail. Nintendo representives said those were not theirs, but with that the Playstationians publically announced the names of Five Nintendo Employees on Television. Nintendo of America was pushed to the limit, they gathered a large amount of celeberties such as Mario, Peach, Kirby, Bowser, Link, Megaman, Zelda, Ganon, Saumus Aran, Metroid Prime,and a few third-parties to start containing the Playstationians vile video games of Nude NOA game characters. As the war progressed on Solid Snake and Gabriel Logan decided to go behind enemy lines and into the HQ. In the Nintendo Of America Headquarters they killed over 30 employees, but only Shigeru Miyamoto was left behind. On April 21st, when news of the massacre reached the Nintendo front Mario shouted an inspiring war cry, "Remember The NOA Nintendoians!"

The Playstationians battle front. Note their good graphics and awesomeness.

Many years later the Nintendoians and Playstationians were still pulling small crimes on each other, sometimes Car Bombs, sometimes planting dirty dolls on things, but never had an official war again. Although this isn't the end, the xBoxians were participating in underground activities with the Playstationians. During the underground agreements there were disagreements where xBoxians proceeded to bitchslap five whinging 12 year old playstationians yelling that playstation could never live up to xbox live. Their best attempt at the time was the Playtendo Crappable, which spoofed every NOA game there was from Mario making out to Saumus in the shower. Will peace ever return? Or will the Nintendoians just be slandered to death, only battle will bring an end "The Sage Wars"

Famous Quotes from the Wars[edit]

Mario attacking an XBoxian vehicle during the Nintendo Revolution.
  • Reggie Fils-Aime: I'm about kicking arse, I'm about taking names, and we're about making games!
  • Ken Kutaragi: Playstation 3 will retail for, 599 US Dollars! (silence) Ridge Racer... RIIIIIDGE RACER!!!
  • jordan: zelda show me them titties...
  • Bill Gates: You know what Halo said to Mario? Goodbye muthafucker!!!
  • Sam Fisher: Crap, I forgot my assault kit *sighs*.
  • Uncle Dave (who in fact, is not you uncle. even though he insists on being your uncle. YOU ARE NOT MY UNCLE! GODDAMIT DAVE!) Hey everyone! Who wants a piece of stick candy?
  • Samus: OMFG!!!!1!!one!! MSTR CHF J3W L4M3 RIPZ0R 0VE M3!!!1!!!I R 7+3H 0RGENAL!!!!! J00 GHEY

ANAL FUX0R!!!GTFO!!!!1!!

  • Link: shit I only have two hearts left and my last fairy was used an hour ago, and I don't even have the big goron sword.
  • Zelda: Link!!! *uses healing power to save link and restore all his items*
  • Bowser: Shit, not another war. Why can't I be a main antagonist....Maybe....*turncoats*
  • Mario: While they might take our lives, they may never take, our wiidom!
  • Ganondorf: Damn, another whole crappy war. SUCK THIS BILL GATES!!! *uses dark magic*
  • Mewtwo: My psi powers will show you what 'eating shit' is like now...
  • Samus (piloting NDS) : Activate the G.A.M.E system!!!!
  • pikachu: PPPPPPIIIIIIKKKKKKKAAAAAAACCCCCHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!! take that you fuckin xboxians I jus p4wned all your lagging asses
  • mario: SHHHIIIIRRRRUUUUUKKKKAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN take that you fucking nooby bitches, my fireball will own your lagging ass's
  • Bill Gates : Xboxians attack! Remember graphics beat gameplay any day!
  • luigi: Mario you have to live on, theres more to life than your brother, just pwn all off them for me...
  • n00b: WtF HaXorSS i Will PWn U al!!!1!!!!1111!!1!!
  • Mario: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
  • Goombella: xBoxian, 1 hp, 0 defense, 100 attack. Hit them in the nuts and their attack drops to 0!
  • Link: We must never surrender! Gather your fairies in a bottle, soldiers! It's going to be a hell of a fight!
  • Donkey Kong: All right let's teabag him and get out of here.
  • Solid Snake: The first casualty of war... Is inocence...
  • Mario: (Headshots A Xboxian And He Doesn't Die) OMG! Don't use hax n00b!
  • Halo soldier: (Hit by Nintendo Sniper) Camper!!
  • n00b: omfg. i pwned teh moder!!111 i pwn all!!111 roflcopter
  • Goomba: Stop nadeing u r cauzing lag!
  • Mario: And now I shall eat this flower and shoot fire, because it may prove handy upon encountering mine foes, those horrid green and red tortoises.
  • Speed Racer: OhmygoshthisissuchanepicbattleIcan'tbelieveIgotinherealthoughImustnotmovebecauseanimationcostsmoneywhaaaaaaaaa...?
  • GeekyLink: i wil kik teh mutherfukin asses of teh exboxians!!
  • Mario: It'sa Mee. Maarioo.
  • Bowser: I got pwned by plumbers...*gets sniped by mario* WTF?!?!?! TK-ING N00B! Banzor him!
  • Mario: (after sniping bowser) ROTFL! (gets sniped by Master Chief)
  • Deoxys: My DNA is 50% asshole and 50% bitch slapping.
  • Link: Both of you quit acting like n00bs or I'll b4nZ0r you!
  • Ryu: HADOKEN!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Nintendo Planes: Go in fr th Kamikaze troops!
  • Navi: Hey! Listen!
  • Link: Navi u bitch fairy, SHADDUP!
  • Nintendo Plane (crashes into Link and Navi]]
  • Tingle: Tingle, Tingle, kooloompah! Destroy, xBox shit!
  • Xboxian: OMG! Admin is on Nintendos side! They can use hacks and not get banned! OMG!
  • The Prince of Persia: EAT SHAWARMA!!!
  • Guile: Sonic Boom! Sonic Boom!
  • jordan :sweet a mushroom IM HUGE NOW!
  • Sonic: I'm going to Atari's server. It may be more laggy but at least I get away from this crap.
  • Yovski: Hi, I am new in this game, can anyone help me?
  • Link: LAGGGGGGG!! MOTHER FUCKER OF LAGGERS!! Fuck you all! newbies of shit!
  • Robotmasters : nintendo r PwN j00!!!!!!111one!!
  • Rick James: Peach! Get over here and show me your titties! I'm Rick James Bitch!
  • Rick James: I must be loosing my mind. Remeniscing about Donkey Kong, whooping my ass.
  • link: Huuuaaaaggggghhhhhhhhhchhaaaaaaa ( whilst finnishing off solid snake.)
  • Yoshi: Remember... fight for Japanese Supremacy of the planet! BANZAI!
  • Dom : Quick, grab the HoD mofuckaa
  • Samus :ZOMG!!11!!1! I R PWNING T3H MCHEF!!!1!
  • Waluigi : D0 u wnt 2 b3 mi byfrnd?
 Dylan : MOFUCker, my leg is gone :-(
 justin: Mofuckar, my dick just got blowed the fuck offf by princess peach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Master Chief : They've got Waluigi! Run for it, before they take out the squeegies!
 Mike j. : Hey little boy, are you lost? Want to come to never never land?
  • jordan :o sh** dodge the fireball!
 bandit  : Zelda, quit humping my asshole bitch
  • jordan : Justin likes buttsecks
  • Tails: I'm in your pants, stealing your kok.
  • Red Link : And so Blue Link said to Purple Link that "lavender" was a really gay color, so Purple Link took a fucking bombling and blew him up, then blamed it on spontaneous combustion.
  • Mario: walker1 walker1 come in we got a 9 14 there are some serious n00bs right here, I'm gunna need some pwn4ge backup.
  • Samus: he comes.
  • Master Chief: Hey baby. Wanna go for a ride? I got a large back seat.
  • Samus: Ok, but my suit stays on this time.
  • Diddy Kong: I guess it's time to throw my sh** at them again.
  • Knuckles the ENCHILADA (BURRITO): I don't even know why the fu** I'm in this war.
  • Link: how the f*ck did I learn to talk!?!
  • Mario: "Remember The NOA Nintendoians!"
  • Sonic: Hmm, well ain't this a bitch!
  • justin p: sweet a bright blue plasma thingy
  • Sonic: o no a plastationian kill that muthaaa!
  • john: its ok they cant beat my lvl 70 mage that likes buttsecks
  • jordan: in soviet russia you blow justin
  • andy: i think nintendo suck balls, playstation is way better
  • justin p.: shut up fag!!!!!!!i like buttsecks
  • Jordan: In Soviet Russia, buttsecks Likes YOU!!
  • Yoda: Shut the fuck up, you must!
  • John: in soviet russia buttsecks likes me
  • Justin: Dylan Gales in weatherford texas likes butt sex with hairy gay men!!!!!
  • Fat Bastard : You know, Yoda kinda looks like a baby!!!! Come ere im gonna eat you!!!!!!!!!!
  • John: Jordan blows his girlfriend's penis!!!!!
  • Mike J.: Guess what kids, I've got a carnival, a monkey, and a one eyed SNAKE!!!!!!!
  • Wii: 1 4/\/\ 73H 1337!!!!!Z!!!##HASH###PS3 1Z T3H N00B!Z¬OMFG
  • Gameboy: WTF AM I DOING HERE??? I can't do shit!! ¬¬
  • NES: Strangles xboxian with gamepad-wire
  • A MotorStorm Car: Vroom! Vroom! *troops of MotorStorm cars joins in the console war*

Nintendo Console/Company[edit]

Nintendo is a small terrorist company that produces playing cards. It was formerly known as the Tendo corporation until it was purchased by Nine Inch Nails. Afterwards, it was renamed Nintendo. They attempted to create a home video game console in the late 1980s, but their product fell before the far-superior Atari Jaguar.

At PEE3 1991, Nintendo announced it's latest console. Then called the "French Revolution", it was nicknamed the "Wee-volution", so the company did the smart thing and changed the name to "Genitals" which is expected to feature such popular titles as Grand Theft Auto: Viridian City, Halo 3.14, and World War I, as well as ports of many popular games for the Commodore 64 and Sega Master System. This new system, with it's power to control space and time (wirelessly), is expected to crush Sony and Microsoft, financially ruining those companies as they have no other enterprises to fall back on should their consoles fail.

The actual owner of Nintendo is currently unknown (many believe it to be a high authorative figure in the Japanese Mafia) and has since gained a fanclub and restraining order.

Recently, the release date for Nintendo's so-called "killer APP" Super Donkey Grand Theft Zelda the Hedgehog Bros. Prime IV: Return of the King Kong has been pushed back until February 30, 3001, exactly one day after the release of Duke Nukem Forever.

Nintendo is currently known as the best thing ever known to grace man.

Nintendo Mafia?[edit]

There are rumors of a Nintendo Mafia, protecting headquarters and crippling Shigeru Miyamoto's enemies. It is led by Don Mario Corleone. While most historians dismiss the idea, it is known that in Nintendo's earlier days, it had good connections with the Japanese mafia, so the idea of a Nintendo Mafia may not be so far fetched after all.

The Nintendo Mafia consist of men in foam Goomba suits. Each one of them is equipped with a Thompson style Machine-gun and a Red Koopa Troopa shell. To supplement this, the mafia is rumored to have a secret attack force, the Rabid Armenian, Penguin Surprise Unit & Complete Killer Seals, or R.A.P.S.U.C.K.S. Athough the role of R.A.P.S.U.C.K.S. isn't well known, it's believed to have an intricate part in the Nintendo Mafia's Affairs. Not. AHH RUN THE MAFIAS AFTER US ALL! GRAB YOUR CHILLENS (KIDS) AND RUN. SAVE THE CHILLENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lance & Bill - Alien slayers by day, butt buddies by night.

Console war[edit]

There is now a home for vetarens in the war called "happy joypads retirement home" made especially for retired nintendo characters (well, crazy old people who think they are nintendo characters as a result of thier medication)

The PlayStation Island event and Death of PaRappa the Rapper[edit]

PlayTopia, during the bloody event

One of the most bloodiest battles of all the war, Wii60 attacked the Sony Empire's first settlment, PlayStation Island.Wii60 leaders stormed the HQ and the streets of PlayTopia, the biggest city of all PlayStation Island.Many people died in the city.Over 35,000 of the population died.Carnage was involved.They would storm the HQ.Where a leader was hideing during the event, PaRappa the Rapper.Master Cheif, Mario, Link, Johnson, Spartan Soliders, Link, The Arbitar, Samus, Snake, and others of the Wii60 empire attacked the whole city.The event started in 2:04 A.M when Wii60 Soliders arrived at the island.But set sail at 12:30 A.M.Wii60 would later storm the HQ.And many sony soliders were killed.PaRappa the Rapper was also killed and his Heart was later chopped out.Including his freinds would be later killed.Paramedics arrived and he died on arrival.This remains one of the most bloodiest battles of the war.


Nintendo Entertainment System[edit]

See also[edit]

Master Cheif and his Wii60 freinds are off to destroy PlayStation Island, leaving the base in New Mombasa