The Cosby Mysteries

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The Cosby Mysteries was a TV show or something about real life private detective and Bill Cosby impersonator, Bill Cosby. I think he was a ghost as well, or a doctor, or a telephone engineer, no, wait, he wore a cap, was he a convict? Actually I think he might have been a music teacher.

I was also in this series. I played Patches, Dr. Cosby's loveable yet physically challenged sidekick. At the end of each episode, Cosby would "rap" with the audience; he would hunker down and explain, as though we all sat in a semi-circle, about various physical challenges, and how we should value each and every life. He would when then assist me in committing suicide. I would then reappear the following week with a new physical challenge.

Episode Synopses[edit]

Episode the First: The Skin Of Our Teeth

A murderer is on the loose. I think he murdered people who had won at scratch cards as well. Cosby has to go into hiding, oh, he'd won the lottery, did I mention that? So Cosby goes into hiding in the Dark Ages, which lasted in Europe from say AD 400 to AD 1000 give-or-take, I mean if you wanted to stretch a point you could argue that Roman culture extended past the actual sack of Rome and into the personality of Boethius, so that puts the start of the Dark Ages back by a couple of centuries. Anyway, while Mos Def sorts out the lottery murderer Cosby teams up with Sir Kenneth Clark and goes on a whistle-stop tour of Western civilization, before being eaten by a shark.

Episode the Second: The Great Thaw

Critics praised this episode for its sensitivity in seeking to place the roots of the Renaissance back in the twelfth century, recognizing the achievements of Peter Abelard and Terry Wogan, and not merely being distracted by those showboating Florentine crackers. Also for its car chase scene. Cosby and Clark teamed up to save a woman encased up to her neck in concrete, then got eaten by sharks with frickin' laser beams.

I suffer from Korsakov's Syndrom.

Episode the Third: Romance and Reality

Kenneth Clark is suspended on full pay from his position as Director of the National Gallery when his theories on the Gothic Revival "go down like tap dancing clams at a bar mitzvah"

You want my freakin' badge?  Here's my freakin' badge!

Also cos he killed 17 boy scouts with a papier mache bust of Tintin. Clark enlists the help of his friend and sometime skiing instructor, Cosby, to clear his name. Instead they are eaten by sharks.

Episode the Forth: Man - The Measure of All Things

Cosby has sex with an octopus. This was the first episode not to win an Emmy. The octopus tricks Cosby and he gets eaten by a shark.

Episode the Fifth

Because Bill Cosby is black there was no fifth episode. It's believed he was eaten by a shark.

Episode the Sixth: Protest and Communication

A homeless man pretending to be Martin Luther's mother objects to the sale of indulgences and is arrested for a crime he did commit. The Pope summons Cosby to Rome where he is eaten by a shark.

The series was cancelled after this when Cosby was seen publicly shooting himself up with heroin and ranting about Pokemon, hip-hop, jazz, and kookookujoo. He subsequently died of a heroin overdose in his sky-box.