The Critique Institute

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“Nobody criticizes the CIA!”

~ J. Edgar Hoover on A Slightly Different Topic
"Cafeteria Food Critic" is only one of the many degrees awarded by the Critique Institute.

The Critique Institute, Critique Institute of America, the CIA or, in the full glory of its complete name, The North-Eastern Institute of Appraisal, Appreciation, Assessment, Evaluation and Uncompromising Exposition of Opinion is an institution of higher education and research, dedicated to producing the finest world-class critics and providing expert opinion in all areas of human lifestyle, activity and existence.

The stereotypical image of the art critic at the time of the Critique Institute's conception.

Conceived in Clinton, NJ by a clique of creative and capable critics criticizing the crude character of the contemptible and corrupt contemporary criticism, the Critique Institute commenced with a clear conception of the challenging but compulsory changes so crucial to the craft of critiquing.

Destined to become the leading authority on "just about anything", according to the New York Times' critics critic Esmeralda Glutz[1], the CIA has already earned the trust and respect of music lovers, movie goers, cafeteria food enthusiasts, bottled water connoisseurs and toilet paper origami aficionados around the globe.

Early Criticism of the Critique Institute[edit]

An anti-globalist graffiti aimed at undermining the authority of the CIA.

Early in its development, the CIA itself faced criticism, both from the established critics of the time and from ignorant anti-establishment hippies alike. In a short-lived but significant-impact flame war the CIA earned a decisive victory over the so-called self-educated critics by simply pointing out that their criticism is of little merit, given that none of them is, in fact, a CIA graduate. In a widely circulated pamphlet, such critics were compared to the infamous home-schooled nuclear physicist Joh 'Bubba' Smith of Tihiyakee, WI, who used Pythagoras' famous theorem in the development of his New Overly-Generalized Relativity theory[2], basing the latter on the formula . The spectacular failure of Dr. Smith's corn-powered cold fusion reactor later that year, cemented the CIA's position of authority in the eyes of the general public and the institute gained its widespread acceptance.

The Pittsburgh Convention[edit]

In late 2011 veteran critics of the CIA, along with newly admitted members, held a meeting in Pittsburgh, PA[3], which many view as a cornerstone in the Institute's history.

"It is the official stand of the Critique institute that the man on the [right] is not [a Native American]".

The Pittsburgh convention redefined and reinforced some of the core ideas behind the Institute's conception as well as restructured and internationalized the CIA's resources. Vague characterizations such as "CIA approved" were strictly defined and clearly specified, to avoid confusion of the "official stand of the CIA" with the mere opinions of some of its members[4].

A small minority of the convention's participants and bystanders initially questioned some of the changes, statements or general practices employed in the certifying process - a highly controversial topic[5] was whether stuffing oneself comatose is the true way to certify the common and timeless wisdom of the saying "one can not go wrong with bacon", and whether doing it while consuming vast quantities of Beaujolais does indeed have no adverse effect on one's judgment. Such minorities were quickly silenced, however, facing a strong opposing wave of quality certified criticism and the convention's decisions were upheld with unanimous participation.


  • ^  The future of criticism, New York Times article, Apr. 12, 2010.
  • ^  Joh Smith, On a theorem of Pythagoras and its application to Einstein's formula, Annals of Breakthrough Research, May. 5, 2009.
  • ^  Flock of snobs descends on Pittsburgh, The Steelers Gazette, Nov. 25, 2011.
  • ^  The final authority, an interview with the CIA's founder and dean, Nov. 26, 2011.
  • ^  Overindulging alcoholics make outrageous claims about bacon, The Amish Daily, Nov. 26, 2011