The Cult Of Nigels

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“If it wasn't for the Nigels, The Russians would have my mother.”

~ Robert Mugabe on Nigels ninth commandment

“The Spetsnaz must hold this position!”

~ Rabbi Nigel on Nigels Last Stand, 1946

“To be, or not to be a Nigel”

~ Lord Lucan on The teachings of Nigology

The Cult of Nigels were an elite clan set up for only the highest ranking members of the forth alligience of Pigeons and the Arabs, after their last stronghold was captured by nature conservationisists. The "Leader" being one Rabbi Nigel, was originally from a small village about 10 miles North of Berlin. He was born in the fourth millenia of the Tesco Domination. (in modern day terms this data is somewhere between 203-87 BC.

How to produce a Nigel[edit]

Here is a perfect example of a Nigel growing in a Nigel Field.

Nigels require a few things so that they can grow well these are...

  • Irish Folk Music (Only stuff endorsed by a Victor)
  • Potassium Chloride (The Nigels require high levels so that they can produce flowers in the winter)
  • Plenty of Sunshine
  • Holy Cheese (this is used to anoint the Nigel forehead before he sprouts)
  • The tears of a washed up pimp
  • Вырасти мало nigels растут

Once you have all of these ingredients the following formula must be used.

It is also believed, but cannot be proved that small levels of Gaydiation are beneficial to the growing of Nigels.


Early Years[edit]

The Cult of Nigels was originally set up as a youth group by Nigels mother, Hazel, that aimed to keep the kids of the street and to prevent them from becoming a N00b. For 10 years the scheme worked, the children would help out the old people cook the evil children, feed the Parrots of the nation by singing on soft harmony, and also bombing the Russians at numerous intervals during the day.

A detailed diagram of the Nigel bomb.

The Nigel bomb remained in operation for a further 4 years until it was replaced the the Gooch gas.

Rabbi Nigel[edit]

Rabbi Nigel is the leader of the Cult of Nigels. He made allies with Mugabe, god, JR "Bob" Dobbs, and the n00b. Rabbi Nigel was born to Hazel and victor, and lived in a small village near Berlin. As a child, he was part of the original Cult of Nigels, and was influenced heavily by the actions of the animals of Chester Zoo. Rabbi Nigel was taken under the wing of the messiah, this is where he inherits the title Rabbi. Together, Rabbi Nigel, and the Messiah basically run the universe. Often people mistake this and think that the Universe is run by Chuck Norris, and God. But they are wrong.

Did you know…
Rabbi Nigel invented the Pigeon.

Rabbi Nigel is now one of the most powerful men on the planet along with Chuck Norris, Barrack Obama, Jimi Hendrix, and the Messiah. He was one of the handful of Nigelian warriors that Held Fort Nigel, in the last defensive of Guelph. Rabbi Nigel resides in his palace in Nambia (renamed from Namibia).

Awards That Nigel Has Received[edit]

Award Name Awarded By Whom Reason
International Award for the 'forgetting' of human rights. 'His Excellency' Robert Mugabe (PFFT...) For contributing to the 'Welfare' of people in Zimbzbwe.
Honoury Degree in the teachings of Mugabetheism Robert Mugabe Passing the test of Mugabetheism with flying colours.
More To Come More To Come More To Come

As you can see Nigel has received many awards.

The Kingdom of Nigels - Guelph[edit]

One of the beautiful Turkish Baths located in 'Old Guelph'.

In 150 AD the Nigels colonised their first empire. They took the beautiful land of Guelph from the Romanian gypsies. The kingdom of guelph was a beautiful area with rivers, forests, a big monument, and an ice cream parlour run by a fat man. See pictures.

The kingdom was run by a government that later on, is believed to have inspired Haile Selassie. The economy of the Nigels thrived for roughly four hundred years, the internal stock market grew incredibly, and the денежные средства (Nigel currency) grew increidibly strong to that of its neighbours, Jesusville, the third democratically elected lottery government of Zimbabwe, and the 'Underground committe for the free rights on movement of all expired foodstuffs in the greater Western World. Companies such as Microsoft, Ford, and even Optimus Prime were actually founded in the Kingdom of Guelph. It is rumoured that if Guelph was still around today it would have enough money to actually physically purchase God.

The Invasion of Guelph[edit]

A graph showing the high levels of unemployment in Guelph at the time.

When the international federation for preservation of Plan 9 from Outer Space collapsed, many Nigelian citizens lost their investments. This caused a huge increase in the levels of unemployment, the figures rose from 0.47% to 68.1456% (See Graph).

Because of the weakness in the kingdom, enemies of the Nigels took advantage of this and invaded the kingdom. They initially pushed in from the western front, and pushed right up to Prospect Street.

A map of Guelph before any invasions took place.

The fighting went on for over 6 thousand years, until the Nigelians could stand no more. The womean and children were evacuated, and the remaining few Nigelians made a last stand at fort Nigel which was 400 yards from Oxford road.

Here is a picture of Guelph in the heat of the fighting. Please note, the coloured arrows are the enemies. Red being the Russians (Do you expect something different?), Blue being the Terrorists lead by Imran Zakhaev, and finally French led by the Bongos and Crisco.

A force of 2.3 million enemies attacked the 400 m2 fort that was occupied by the 400 remaning Nigelion archers. They used all methods of attack possible, guns, stick, nipple cripples, hair pulling and even name pulling. Nothing was working. After 2 weeks of bitter fighting there were only a small handful of remaining Nigelians remaining, thye made a drastic decision to launch the one remaning Nigel bomb that they had preserved. They launched the bomb, killed all the bad guys, ate plenty of tuna potatoes and then walked into the secret tunnels of the Nigels, and sealed the exits.

About 4 weeks later, the warriors met up with the women and children and decided where to base their new Kingdom. There were many contenders, Scunthorpe, Fuji, Russia and Northern Tanzania. They eventually chose Nambia (Yes, not Namibia, Nambia!) as their choice, for it was renowned for its high levels of Potassium Chloride in the soil there, which is needed for the production of Nigels.

The Temple Of Nigel[edit]

The Lost Temple Of Nigels. This is a picture of the Worship Room in the temple.

In the year 7,354 PQR the Nigels decided to build a temple, this temple would be the grandest of all temples ever contructed. The temple took 74 years to produce at the cost of 4 lives. The temple was split into 4 main areas...

  • Entrance: The entrance was built using the finest marble bricks that could be found in the whole world. Onto these bricks was carved a picture of Margaret Thatcher with a sword in her back. This is because Nigels are part communism and are Ultranationalists, and also hate posh pricks like she was. The marble was of so high quality that if the computer game crysis was placed on the surface, it would not melt, and also if you kissed the stone, you would be able to recite the Top Cat theme

tune backwards while looking Chuck Norris in the eye.

  • The Worship Room (Disco Hall): This is where it all happens, Discos, parties, party broadcasts and even public orgy's would take place in here. The worship room is pictured. The floors were paved with gold, and the ceilings lined with used toilet paper.
  • Back Room (Magic Closet): This is where the magic happens, Only 4 non Nigelians have entered this room John Prescott , Alex Hoosen, Thomas Jefferson and Robert Mugabe. Not much is known about the magic closet, but it is rumoured to have no windows, a bath, and a pool table.
  • Exit: This is the exit.

The Temple itself is currently 'Lost' as the location is only known by a select few people.

Possible Affair With Robert Mugabe[edit]

In 1993, the Nigelians Received a huge donation from Robert Mugabe. The sum amounted to over 39.64 BILLION Zimbawe Dollars (Roughly £1, or $2 give or take) The Nigelians were very grateful for the donation, and Rabbi Nigel became very good friends with Robert Mugabe. They would do many bonding activities such as fishing, mountain walking, starving their own people, and on Bank Holidays baking and making of Cake.

Because of Mr Mugabes terrible human rights record, the Nigel people were actually kicked out of the UN after founding it in 1926, with Rabbi Nigel's close friend Tom Clancy


What's that? You don't agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe's official policies?
You're trying to undermine Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren't you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION!


Lots of the major companies such as 2k games, Dell, and Microsoft also started to pull out. To try and keep them in the Nigels offered reduced rates on Gingerbread, which eventually did keep the companies in.

Nigels reputation also took a big dint, he was no longer as famous on the games of world of warcraft, guild wars cod4 and runescape. Rabbi Nigel had previosly ranked number one for all of these. His voice in the house of commons (UK) was laughed at, and he would not get served for alcohol in Asda now aswell.

I kissed a Mugabe and I liked It[edit]

A few weeks after the news of the affair, had sprouted, Rabbi Nigel released a music single named "I kissed a Mugabe and I Liked it".

Here is the Cd cover for the hit single I kissed Mugabe and i liked it.

The song was a huge success, outselling all other songs...ever! Including the Top Cat theme, thriller, and the National anthem for Albania. The song went multiplatinum overnight and sold over 9 Bllion copies within the first 15 minutes of sales. A world tour was planned, but never materialised. To this date, I kissed Mugabe and I liked it, is the only song not to be pirated, copied, or distributed illegaly IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. This is mainly due to the fact that the song is so awesome that all the hackers/crackers/ w/e loved it so much they refused to de face it.

Rabbi Nigel received a recording deal with WMG, which was rumoured to be worth over 250 million денежные средства.

With the record sales, the Cult of Nigels were able to purchase China. China was mainly used as a new market to sell all their useless goods such as cancer curing drugs, tablets that made you lose weight instantly, and cures for blindness and deafness. However, the cure for the Jewish Problem was only offered to less economically developed countries.

Allies of the Nigels[edit]

  • Mr Unwin*: Is the source of all knowledge concerning economic policies that the cult may wish to adopt e.g. fiscal.
  • The Messiah: Created the world, and also made Rabbi Nigel, the Rabbi of Nigels. Was at fort Nigel.
  • Gooch: A hideous creature that produces the Gooch gas. Was at Fort Nigel.
  • Spetsnaz: Russians that work for Rabbi Nigel.
  • Forehead of Rye: The fountain of knowledge, also the brain behind the Cult of Nigels.
  • Robert Mugabe: Close friend.
  • Jacob (Not josef) Fritzel: Provided financial backing.
  • Optimus Prime: Employed many Nigels in Guelph, and is now a close friend, and aso god father to Rabbi Nigels son.
  • Jim Jam Jars: ?
  • Ali G: Nigels first minister.