The Cult of Shiny Objects

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The church has had a rich history and culture ever since it started. From the Shinistiki's Rebellion to Reformed Church of Shinitarians to The Crusades of Shinistiki, the church has been reformed many times over the years.

Shinistiki's Rebellion[edit]

It began in the year 2101 BCE when the Trojan War ended. It was started by Douglas Adams when he realized that all the plunder of Troy would be destroyed by Zeus if Zeus was to continue existing. Thus, he started a rebellion to overthrow the gods and and create a new god called Shinistiki who would rule everyone and everything, not start wars to kill off humans because the population of the world was too great, and most importantly provide everyone with shiny objects. When Shinistiki was created, he killed the gods and wrote the Shible, the Shinitians' book of holiness. This is how it all started.

The Argent and Aurum Church[edit]

After the high priest Aaron died in the year 2003 BCE, his son Aurum split the church with his radical heretical ideas of how gold was the only holy shiny object. When Argent realized what his brother was doing, he killed his brother with a silver sword. Aurum's last words were, "My followers shall have a six hundred threescore and six year reign and persecute thy followers until an Emperor, that will be called "T3h 'L33tX0r", during the first year of his reign shall order his men to overthrow and reform the church." This proved to be prophetic.

In the year 1337 BCE, Emperor Luther van Calvin read the Shible and realized the evil which the church had committed. Then he ordered his army to kill the high priest Bob and overthrow the church. Thus they did and from that day onward the Emperor was called "T3h 'L33tX0r" and the Reformed Church of Shinitarians was formed and returned to its former splendor.


There are many beliefs and practices in the Cult of Shiny Objects. The practices include eating a banana every Tuesday, worshiping Shinistiki, and wearing a shiny object at all times.

Eating a Banana Every Tuesday[edit]

This practice is done because it allows Shinitians to talk to Shinistiki on a banana phone anytime he/she wants. Banana phones have been very important to Shinitians ever since the cult started.

A Shinitian talking to Shinistiki on a banana phone

Worshiping Shinistiki[edit]

To worship Shinistiki, a Shinitian has to wear at least one shiny object, and tell others about how Shinistiki has changed his/her life by granting him a shiny object every month to wear and about the aura of specialness it gives off.


There are many beliefs of Shinitians. Most of them are in the list below:

  1. Shiny objects are cool
  2. Bananas are the only food one can eat to talk to Shinistiki
  3. War is evil
  4. Killing people is not nice
  5. Grues should be avoided if at all possible
  6. Hugs are much better than drugs
  7. Being a Shinitian will grant one access to Valhalla when one dies
  8. Not being a Shinitian will result in being pooped on by pigeons for the rest of eternity in Hell once one dies
  9. The Shible is holy inspired word of Shinistiki

See Also[edit]