The Forklands War

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“Never has there been a greater loss of human life.”

~ Alicia Keys on The Forklands War

“My ten children died in this...”

~ Rob Anson still cries at night...
Approved by Kansas Board of Education
Approved by the Kansas State Board of Education
This page meets all criteria and requirements for use as teaching material within the State of Kansas public school system. It consists of facts, not of theories, and students are encouraged to believe it uncritically, and to approach alternatives critically.


The Forklands War occurred in Glasgow on 8th August, 1983. It was the largest Civil War to have ever taken place and the most violent, with confirmed fatalities of well over 20 million.


The Build Up[edit]

At the time of 1983, Glasgow was a very tense area. Everyone hated each other, as is still common in Scotland today. This could be traced back to that year’s annual agriculture and horticulture fair. The 1st place for largest pumpkin was a bitter stand-off between two of the past winners, each having this coveted title in their name many times over. They were named Dennis McGrah and Jack McKeel. However rumours spread that McKeel had used steroids to promote growth in pumpkins. Although McKeel protested he had hired a personal trainer for the pumpkins, this was not able to be proven and he was disqualified, having a large ‘D’ branded on his forehead for further shame. McKeel later found out that McGrah had circulated the original rumours. This began a bitter and hate fuelled rivalry, not least as McKeel was now called ‘Dick head McKeel’ by the various local rent boys.

McKeel’s Revenge[edit]

McKeel hired a group of ex-Jehovah’s witnesses to attack McGrah in the street and sexually assault him. McKeel also had McGrah’s pumpkins assassinated. When they came through McGrah’s letterbox, soggy lump by soggy lump, McGrah went slowly insane.

The Great Knife Theft[edit]

At roughly the same time, a degenerate local went on a spree of theft stealing all the knives. This confused residents and many people awoke in the morning to, ‘WTF? Where are all my knives!?!’. After being tracked using the trail of breadcrumbs that had foolishly been left behind to gather attention, the man who refused to state his name was found in a large clearing. He was found to have constructed one giant knife attached to rocket engines. He claimed he was going to cut the sun in half and took off. No word of his success has yet been received. A government space shuttle was later found to have exploded at base after it was found that nine of the ten rocket engines had been replaced with cardboard filled with gasoline. Although no official links have been made experts believe the ‘giant knife’ incident may be related.

The Start of War[edit]

Dennis ‘the Raped’ McGrah gathered a group of supporters after losing all mental stability from the harrowing rape scene and not being able to efficiently slice bread. He marched them into the very centre of Glasgow, a giant multi-purpose fork shop, and called McKeel out to fight. McKeel accepted and brought with him an army of followers armed to the teeth with stainless steel forks. McGrah gathered the forks from the shop and armed his soldiers. At 12 midday, 8th August, 1983, the assault began. With well over 10 million soldiers under each respective vegetable tyrant, the fight was screened live to the rest of the world. The following war lasted for five days of extreme blood soaked mayhem. On a mountain of fork impaled bodies on the final day, McGrah and McKeel faced each other. In the final battle McGrah lost an eye but eventually used his fork to decapitate McKeel. The battle had been won and McGrah was promoted the pumpkin king.

The Aftermath[edit]

McGrah received a knighthood for single-handedly wiping out the majority of the Scottish population, which was at the time, and still is, in everybody’s best interest. The knife stealing crazy man was also knighted for ending knife crime. This was immediately taken back when the fork death toll was officially investigated. Jack McKeels body was not eaten by witches, according to urban belief, but instead used as McGrah’s pumpkin fertiliser for the year. The dead were made into life size collectable puppets. These were used for the amusement of upper class dignitaries who would re-enact the battle for fun. The survivors were rounded up and executed as they were Scottish. They were also made into puppets.

War Crimes[edit]

Captured soldiers of McKeels’s side were said to have had forks inserted anally for hours and slowly twisted. This was a shallow reminder of the distant street rape forced upon McGrah, who was said to have pleasured himself to the sounds of his victims screams. Although none of these incidents were documented it was said to have been a common practice.


Remembrance in Glasgow is held on the day the war ended. As is tradition, trained ‘forkmen’ throw forks into the sky, in honour of all the dead soldiers. Over the years this event has declined in numbers after Oscar Wilde likened it to a sport that might be seen in the Special Olympics. Many families in the area today do not own a fork, which has become the symbol of impalement.