The Fury

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Can you see it? The Fury?

The Fury was the baddest cosmonaut to ever become an Southern Evangelist Preacher. He killed himself by ramming his skull into the roof of Ozzy's basement while recording with Black Sabbath whilst fighting Big Boss at the same time. He was later revived by Ray Charles and became an Evangelist.

Early Life[edit]

Born to a Black-Russian and Jewish household in 1928 in New Orleans as "Sareebell Lemon Vadashvya", both his parents worked and left their seven children to tend themselves. At the age of 5, Lemon taught himself to play electric banjo and began performing as an street musician for money.

By the time he was 9, Lemon was an successful investor in the raging prostitution business of the south. On his 10th birthday, he was gunned down by local militia for violating local Home Owner's Association laws, and was nursed back to health by bats, whom later betrayed him by chewing off his extra fingers that made him such a successful banjo and woman player, leading to his torrid love/hatred of Bats.

Several weeks later, Lemon made his way back to his home, only to discover they had been deported back to the USSR. Using his last $18, he bought himself an airplane ticket aboard an commercial airliner and arrived in Russia several weeks later.

Military Career[edit]

The Fury shortly after the training exercise

Being an homeless orphan in communist Russia, Lemon was not much different than everyone else in the country, and faired quite well at playing the sitar for food and clothing. During this time, he was discovered by George Harrison and was used as a session musician on the album Rubber Soul. He was credited as "The Fury", which led to him being recruited into the Red Army's Special Forces after being mistaken for an vicious ninja by the Russian government.

During a training exercise in Siberia, The Fury was being used as an beast of burden to carry his unit's supply of diet coke and mentos on his back. When he was attacked by starving eskimos, by freak accident the supplies he carried on his back constructed an makeshift jet pack which propelled the young Fury into the upper reaches of the Earth's atmosphere. Technically becoming the first man in space.

He was badly burned during re-entry, and had no means of slowing his fall. By some odd twist of fate, he landed in an truck of propane heating supplies near the US embassy in Spain, where he was accepted into The Cobra's, an international Nazi fighting league of extraordinary gentlemen and one woman, The Boss, an feminine supremacist.

In his landing, another freak accident occurred, this time it was the replacement of the tendons in his right arm with that of an propane torch, which he would often use to flash fry bats. Being the only human with an permanent flame thrower, he was highly valued in his new unit.

Death[edit]

Whilst playing with Black Sabbath in 1964 (During their Country Music era), The Fury's favorite suit was ripped by Big Boss, whom was taking part in Operation:Snake Eater. This caused such an Fury in the Fury, that he stated "I AM THE FURY, DO NOT FUCK WITH ME, OR I'LL RUN YAH OVER IN MAH TRUCK, FUCKING NIGGERS!", at this point, he ignited his torch and randomly burned Ozzy's ceiling of all its resident bats. To show how badass and superior to the bats whom he blamed for his loss of extra appendages, he used his jetpack to hover above the floor.

At this point, Big Boss had become quite hungry, and decided that he might try a piece of The Fury, using his survival knife, he sliced off most of his right hand (as opposed to setting a mouse trap). After losing most of his fretting hand (which would force him to become a bassist), The Fury became quite furious, and launched himself straight up with his jetpack, and into the ceiling of Ozzy's basement/recording studio. Exploding into two flaming heads that chased Big Boss and the rest of Black Sabbath out of the basement, and into Groznjy Grad.

Revival[edit]

Whilst Ray Charles was touring Soviet Russia, he ran across the badly burned and semi-unconscious body of The Fury. Using skills that he learned in his high school carpentry class, he managed to revive him (with a little help from heroin), and give him a new life, in Georgia

Whilst recovering from his injuries in Georgia, The Fury developed an interest in the evagelist faith, and after several attendings at his local church, became an successful preacher.

Government[edit]

Senator Fury has showed an interest in possibly becoming an 2008 presidential candidate.

In 1992 The Fury ran for Louisiana State Senator, with stiff opposition from former West Virginia senator Red Charmander. However after audio tapes of Charmander's alleged sex scandal with Jack Sparrow were released to the media, The Fury won by a landslide vote.

Attempts have been made under The Fury's reign to "Revive an interest in Louisiana" from Tourists and the US government, to help the State struggle to attain an "post-Cool Hand Luke" image.

Currently[edit]

The Fury (the name which he now goes by, as opposed to his birth name) resides in Baton Rogue, Louisiana. He owns a Crab fishing business to support his touring and spreading his message of "Struggle, flying, burning shit, struggle, burning shit, getting burnt, suit getting ripped, etc." to all those whom will listen. He is involved in his local community, and is an avid investor in Bio-Diesel.

He has released several bluegrass albums and self-help books over the years, and in 2006 co-wrote the film Black Snake Moan

The Fury attending an Help Session at an rehab center.


See Also[edit]