The Gaylord

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The Gaylord - Leader of the Pooves in his lair on the Planet Whoopsie!

The Gaylord is a character from an unaired serial of the British science fiction television series Doctor Who. It was intended to be the final serial of the 1979-80 season (Season 17) entitled The Gaylord's Passage, but was never completed due to a strike at the BBC during filming.

Noted Carry On star, Charles Hawtrey played the role of The Gaylord.


“Be careful, Sarah Jane! It's The Gaylord!”

“Oh, hello!”

“I tought I was lord of the Gay?”

“I thought I was the lord of the Gay! ”

The Gaylord is a 400 year old scientist from the planet Whoopsie! whose inhabitants, the Pooves, were engaged in a bitter thousand-year war of attrition with their enemies, the Straytes. Horribly scarred and bespectacled for reasons that are never explained, the promiscuous Gaylord spends much of his existence attempting to penetrate his enemies with his self-designed aluminium penis sucking the heterosexuality from their souls and injecting them with his secret gay serum.

The Gaylord is an egomaniac who believes that through his creations, he can become the supreme being and ruler of the universe. He is a brilliant scientist who has demonstrated mastery of musical theatre, dance, mime, sparkly clothes, and Camp. He lists Football as a pet hate, but secretly likes the look of several Footballers.

“That'll do, cheeky!”

~ The Gaylord on Cheek

The Gaylord is known to keep a inexhaustible harem of willing young men who do their Master's bidding, are trained to kill, to serve The Gaylord's evil needs and to massage his feet. The Gaylord has a daughter, the delectable Princess Tranni who was the result of a brief drunken heterosexual liaison with the Empress Vagisil, Queen of the Planet Bajingo.

The Gaylord can manifest itself in any form in its quest to spread the virus. Here he attempts to ejaculate his 'death serum' into a Simmsian warrior.

The Gaylord often expresses disappointment in Tranni particularly when she dresses as a man on Wednesday nights. He has also used her as a political tool, such as when he arranged for her to marry King Senip Gib of Twink in an attempt to create an illusion of harmony. In actual fact, The Gaylord had his eye on Senip Gib for himself and hoped that he could turn the dashing young King into one of his Pooves. It was this example of his failed seduction that led to the King's assassination and the invention of The Mighty Whopper - The Gaylord's metallic, rust-free long-life artificial penis.

The Pooves[edit]

The Gaylord discovered that the Pooves became nothing more than sexual appendages and with no hope of survival on their own. His solution was to remove all emotions and senses pertaining to sexual satisfaction, and place the mutants in bodies that resembled male flight attendants. They would, under his instruction, continue to spread the virus through all of earth's lifeforms; animal, vegetable or mineral, but mainly animal.

“Ooh! Get her!”

~ The Pooves' dreaded battlecry

The resulting creatures were a powerful race bent on universal conquest and domination utterly without pity or remorse (as all of their emotions were removed and replaced with uncontrollable lust). Their most famous catchphrase is "FORN-I-CATE!", with each syllable individually screeched in a voice with a slight effeminate lilt.

The Pooves devote a day of worship, March 12, to their idol - the magical Lyzar of Minelly. Their planetary anthem is The Trolley Song.

The Gaylord's Downfall[edit]

John Inman, the only Doctor who could out-Gaylord The Gaylord.

“Are you attempting to penetrate me with your metallic, rust-free, long-life artificial penis?”

“Oh, rather!”

The final showdown sees The Doctor being attacked by a group of Pooves who abduct him, and hold him prisoner at a Discotheque. The Gaylord forces him to dance to Donna Summer's Love To Love You Baby before attempting to turn him gay with his Mighty Whopper. During Van McCoy's 1975 hit The Hustle, The Doctor breaks free by swinging on a disco ball, and in the ensuing struggle, regenerates into the next Doctor (played by John Inman) which only excites The Gaylord further.

“This is the climax!”

“I'll say!”

Like many Pooves, The Gaylord was prone to narcissism, self-love, and excessive vanity. He became obsessed with his own image, and is destroyed when The Doctor presents The Gaylord with a full size mirror. The villain masturbates himself into a frenzy until he explodes into a thousand pieces.

However, The Doctor also catches sight of his own image, and regenerates himself all through the night.

See Also[edit]