The Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future
Greetings, fleshy human. You are reading the article now that talks much about the entire story surrounding the very mysterious entity of the omnimonicon known as the Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future. The article was created in a way that involved typing with ones fingers on a series of buttons with letters, symbols, and numbers on them called a keyboard, which was made many, many years ago in an ingenious move to allow us to control the computers, which enslaves them under the will of the human being, desperate for a delicious piece of the very art we call "technology". You may want to get a snack, this could take a very long time.
Thousands of years ago, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was a creature named Sir Jesys of Chryst. A barbaric half-man, half-wolf who defecated upon the graves of his enemies and laid waste to all those who dared to ever defy him and his words. A man who was feared and loved throughout the lands he raided and conquered. He spread the teachings of his ways of life all over the place, writing them all in a book he called, "The Life and Times of Sir Jesys of Chryst." But then he realized that it was not selling well, and decided it was because of the title, because it was so stupid. He soon shortened it to "The Book About Me." That was when the aliens came down, landing upon the Earth's soil after many a year traveling in space, and began to enslave the human race! These aliens would be come to known as... "Romans", disguising their alien forms using clever galactic technology that would make them appear as normal human beings in the eyes of other human beings, allowing them to plot their wicked ways for a long time. Within moments, once everything was set, they began to make life miserable for everyone, including grandma and the kitty, everything was met with much angry roughhousing. Within moments the man known as Sir Jesys of Chryst would be caught and they created a stake shaped like a donut, which would then be used to remove him from this world as they covered him in Super Glue, because they had thought of it long before that one guy did. That would bring about the end of Sir Jesys of Chryst, killing him because they were simply a bunch of jerks. This would then plunge the world into yet another era of despair which would reign for many a century until the Romans got tired and careless and were defeated by the underdogs of the underworld, further bringing about light that would shine through the darkness with much defecation. That would be when the rebels unionized.
I'm not finished!! You should have gotten a snack!
It was then that the turnabout of the events that occurred would begin to unfold into the happenings that would pave the way to the potential of the future. A spectacular race of elves grew out from under the earth and began to mold everything to their liking. Magical elves indeed, with the power to mold fire into water and rocks into gold, creating further the very earth that of which you walk upon with your dirty feet and your filthy shoes, you wretched sadsacks... don't try to fool me, I know all. You think you're too good to wear shoes, walking around barefoot like you do, but, I digress. Anyways, as I said, these elves would bring about a new earth that would be suitable for the metamorphosis of the human race, expanding the lands, beautifying the air, and doing it all with a fairy-like delicacy that cannot be comprehended with the entire whole of the human mind. It took many a year before it could all be finished, and in the process, they were met with many resistances, many of the likes that were very vicious and evil, because they too hailed from a long lineage of jerks. There were also distractions, such as holidays, being laid off, and kittens. By the way, speaking of kittens, let me tell you about this story of a cat I met who let his curiosity get the best of him, coining the phrase “curiosity killed the cat”. Months and months ago, I had stumbled upon a bedraggled looking cat that ate a dead mouse. It was a gruesome scene, indeed. He did not realize that the mouse was really the God of Poison, and from there on, his body would slowly become a radiation hazard, bringing nothing but death to everything around him as he walked by. When he began to wonder just what was causing all this mayhem he began to look into the very depths of his soul, and as he peered into it, he, too, started to become consumed by the very poison of which he unknowingly spread forth; forever a victim of his own trap of which he unwillingly created through his filthy eating habits of doom. It was a tragic story that ended in nothing but depression and woe, and it was passed on for many a year to come after that, when until it finally reached me, where I tell it to you here and now, you person sitting at the computer. Yes, I know you are reading this.
What's that? Do you need a drink? Very well. I shall wait for you here.
The Elven Elders
Oh good, you're back. Once the elves finished their job, they all passed out from the exhaustion of all the work they had done, where they were promptly killed by falling meteors and the evil and hungry Wolf Trolls that haunted the world! And then the trolls would rule upon the earth for another 1,000 years, until it was time for the humans to unionize and create forth their own new era of devastation. Laying the smackdown upon all their fearsome enemies, the humans would rise up against all who challenged them, further extending the branches of their families and people for another era to come. But that did not happen right away. For you see, there was more to it than that. 100 years later there would be an event that would occur just then known only as "the big accident", caused by a beaver, a block of cheese, and an exercise machine brought into the past from the future. It was a devastating explosion that extended quite far, nearly wiping everything out. The survivors of this event would come to find the exercise machine, the only remaining object, and proclaiming it as their god and savior, began to worship it. This exercise machine became known as "Bowflex", and this machine and many of it's offspring still exist even today and into the future. These days, Bowflex has no true form and comes in many shapes and sizes. Many years has passed since that very day. Bowflex's comeuppance would not occur until a human challenged him to a flex off! The human won by grabbing Bowflex and using him to pump himself up even stronger. From then on Bowflex would be aiding in the exercise of the humans to build up their muscles for a brighter future.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...
...Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday...