The Great Timeline

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The Universe is an amazing place.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the Universe

“One of the basic rules of the Universe is that nothing is perfect. Perfection simply doesn't exist... Without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist”

~ Stephen Hawking on the Universe's a symmetry

“Confucius say the Universe is a homosexual.”

~ Confucius on the Universe

“The Universe can't be a homosexual! Confucius is a son of a bitch!”

~ Albert Einstein on Confucius being wrong

“It's great!”

~ Tony the Tiger on the Universe

In the beginning, there was singularity. That was all that there was. Nothing more and nothing less (if it was less than that then the beginning would be worse than a piece of shit).

This is the timeline of the Universe from, ∞ BCE to ∞ CE.


∞ BCE[edit]

  • What would become the Universe is only a singularity.

13820000000 BCE[edit]

  • The Big Bang is the start of the Universe.
  • The Universe expands quickly at first in a period called the Inflation.
  • The Universe then expands more slowly.
The Universe began with a "bang".

10304897892 BCE[edit]

10304897891 BCE[edit]

  • Pornography appears in movies.
  • Sex reaches its heyday.

10304897890 BCE[edit]

10000000000 BCE[edit]

  • Oscar Wilde arrives in this time on his penny-farthing time machine to hang out with some aliens.
  • When Oscar Wilde reaches there, he makes a flatulence in the middle of a large horde of aliens.
  • Oscar Wilde returns back to his time after hanging out there for two weeks.

7893435894 BCE[edit]

“I don't believe in any deity and I'm not a biologist, but that doesn't mean a stupid nihilist.”

~ Peter Higgs on nihilism

5000000000 BCE[edit]

  • Oscar Wilde arrives at this time in Alagaësia.
  • He has sex with a woman in Alagaësia.

4999999999 BCE[edit]

  • Oscar Wilde Jr. is born because of the fuck.
  • Oscar Wilde Jr. looks so ugly to Oscar Wilde.
  • Because of that, Oscar Wilde returns to his time.

“He looked so ugly that I regretted fucking that woman when I saw him! I didn't even give him any name! The woman did and I hated her for naming him after me!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde Jr.

4700000000 BCE[edit]

  • Dark energy causes the Universe to expand faster than ever.

4582376892 BCE[edit]

  • Coffee is invented causing the rate of cavities to quadruple.

4553000899 BCE[edit]

4553000000 BCE[edit]

  • Three Imperial Star Destroyer pilots thought they saw a fleet of Rebel Alliance members.
  • It was actually a group of aliens that had ships that looked like those of the Rebel Alliance because of that.
  • The Imperial Star Destroyers shoot lasers at the ships and blow up a giant star that starts turning into the Solar System.

4543000000 BCE[edit]

  • The Solar System is formed.
  • The Hadean Eon begins on Earth.

4538947347 BCE[edit]

3800000000 BCE[edit]

  • Life appears on Earth which ends the Hadean Eon and begins the Archean Eon.

3578935895 BCE[edit]

2500000000 BCE[edit]

2389730458 BCE[edit]

  • The Order of Nihilists is invented to try to eliminate life from the Universe.
  • 500,000 people are in the Order of Nihilists.
  • 30,000,000 people are killed by the Order of Nihilists.

2389730423 BCE[edit]

  • Obese people are banned from 78% of the planets of the Universe.

2389730234 BCE[edit]

  • After 224 years of killing living organisms, everyone in the Order of Nihilists gets brutally killed.
  • Only 4,589 nihilists are left (these were nihilists who weren't stupid enough to join the Order of Nihilists).
The head of a member of the Order of Nihilists that got brutally killed.

544620000 BCE[edit]

543478934 BCE[edit]

542000000 BCE[edit]

  • The radiation tested by aliens 2,620,000 years before this time reaches organisms on Earth causing them to go through a mutation that let them be able to live on land which ends the Proterozoic Eon and begins the Phanerozoic Eon.

231000000 BCE[edit]

  • Dinosaurs appear on Earth.
  • The first dinosaur shits.

89235723 BCE[edit]

89129345 BCE[edit]

  • Bill Gates and Oscar Wilde arrive at this time.
  • Bill Gates and Oscar Wilde return to their times after hanging out with each other for 8 minutes.
Bill Gates's time machine.

70000000 BCE[edit]

67768956 BCE[edit]

  • Suicide is invented by an idiot named Shit Ass (he literally killed himself).

“I will kill myself and call it suicide.”

~ Shit Ass on killing himself

65000001 BCE[edit]

  • Aliens crash their spaceship into an asteroid while exploring the Solar System.
  • All the spaceship blows up and all the aliens in it die.
  • The asteroid starts hurtling at Earth.

65000000 BCE[edit]

  • The asteroid that the alien spaceship crashed onto Earth forming the Gulf of Mexico and killing most of the dinosaurs like the T. rex (the rest either starved to death or died because Earth was getting too cold for them).
The asteroid that killed most of the dinosaurs hitting Earth.

55000000 BCE[edit]

  • The last dinosaur died.

23458989 BCE[edit]

  • The minigun is invented.
  • Gay people are discovered.
  • The laptop computer is invented.
  • Diamond is discovered.

18927313 BCE[edit]

  • An alien spaceship lands in one of Earth's oceans and sinks.
  • All the aliens on the spaceship die.

3900000 BCE[edit]

  • Australopithecus afarensis appears on Earth.

3045890 BCE[edit]

  • Gay people take up 89% of the alien planet Mogrobo.
  • An international law is made by all the people of the planet Mogrobo that everyone must have at least three offspring by age 356 (which is middle age for the aliens on the planet).
  • The whole gay Mogroboan population suicides.

2900000 BCE[edit]

  • Australopithecus afarensis goes extinct.

2893734 BCE[edit]

  • Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and Chuck Norris arrive at this time to teach aliens how to play poker.
  • The trio of humans starts playing poker there.
  • Chuck Norris gets in last place and gets mad because he lost $1,000.
  • The trio of humans gets into their time machines.

“I will never play poker again! I would rather fuck Irma Grese than that play that game for idiots!”

~ Chuck Norris on losing $1,000 when playing poker

1900000 BCE[edit]

1800000 BCE[edit]

  • Homo erectus learns how to make fire.

230000 BCE[edit]

212832 BCE[edit]

212829 BCE[edit]

  • The First Great Neanderthal War ends.
  • Morals are learned and would be remembered for thousands of years.

70000 BCE[edit]

  • Homo erectus goes extinct.

61692 BCE[edit]

  • The dab is invented.

56342 BCE[edit]

  • The morals learned after the First Great Neanderthal War are forgotten when the Second Great Neanderthal War begins.
  • The Second Great Neanderthal War ends.

35000 BCE[edit]

  • Homo sapiens sapiens appears on Earth.

34304 BCE[edit]

  • An evil Homo sapiens sapiens suggests Neanderthals are too stupid to exist.
  • Many Homo sapiens sapiens agree with the evil Homo sapiens sapiens.
  • Homo sapiens sapiens start killing Neanderthals.

30000 BCE[edit]

  • Neanderthals go extinct.

20156 BCE[edit]

9581 BCE[edit]

  • Boys in Europe start playing a game called "Urinate on Each Other" in which they urinate on each other (while covering their penises).

8747 BCE[edit]

8385 BCE[edit]

  • While playing Urinate on Each Other, a boy accidentally swallowed urine.
  • The boy died.
  • Urinate on Each Other is banned from the city the boy died in.
  • Some of the people in the city start a campaign to ban Urinate on Each Other from Europe, Africa, and Asia (the only places were people play it).

8265 BCE[edit]

  • Urinate on Each Other is banned from Europe, Asia, and Africa.

8000 BCE[edit]

  • The last mammoth dies.

4004 BCE[edit]

  • A Christian arrives at this time with an atheist to try to prove this was when Earth was made.
  • The two people encounter 66 warriors.
  • The atheist escapes and travels back to his time escapes but the Christian gets killed by one of the warriors.

3976 BCE[edit]

3760 BCE[edit]

  • A Jew arrives at this time with the same atheist to try to prove this was when Earth was made.
  • The two people encounter 396 warriors.
  • The atheist escapes and travels back to his time escapes but the Jew gets killed by one of the warriors.

3210 BCE[edit]

  • Plans for human civilization on Earth are made.
  • People working on human civilization on Earth.

3200 BCE[edit]

  • Human civilization on Earth is made.

3142 BCE[edit]

  • π is discovered exactly 1000π years before 1 CE, which is on August 4, 3142 BCE.

3100 BCE[edit]

3064 BCE[edit]

  • The trio of humans (Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and Chuck Norris) who played poker in 89129345 BC arrives at this time.
  • Chuck Norris starts dating three Mesopotamian women just to see how far he could go.
  • Bill Gates and Warren Buffet travel back to their time because there is nothing interesting to do.
  • After dating the three Mesopotamian women for one week, Chuck Norris breaks up with the Mesopotamian women and travels back to his time.

2250 BCE[edit]

1500 BCE[edit]

  • Hinduism is made by a person who thinks he knows everything when he doesn't.

1228 BCE[edit]

676 BCE[edit]

  • A a man and his wife in China try to see what life is like without their genitals by cutting them off.
  • The man and wife get killed because of how messy they were since they needed to use their genitals to urinate.

509 BCE[edit]

  • Rome becomes free from Etruscan rule.
  • Gay Etruscan kills himself.

123 BCE[edit]

100 BCE[edit]

46 BCE[edit]

  • 14 people from 1966 arrive at this time to show the Romans how to make a hot dog.
  • The Romans think it is stupid because it sounds like eating a dog.
  • All the 14 people are captured by the Romans and put to death.

45 BCE[edit]

44 BCE[edit]

  • Julius Caesar dies.

9 BCE[edit]

  • Scandium is discovered.
  • A gladiator in Rome gets thrown by a lion into the crowd and accidentally kills someone there with his sword.
  • The Roman emperor orders the execution of that gladiator.

7 BCE[edit]

4 BCE[edit]

  • Krypton (the element, not the planet) is discovered.

3 BCE[edit]

2 BCE[edit]

1 BCE[edit]

1 CE[edit]

  • The katana is invented a lot of time before it is used by ninja.

2 CE[edit]

5 CE[edit]

  • The term "piss" is invented.

7 CE[edit]

  • The anus is discovered.

8 CE[edit]

  • People wonder if they could ever make a powerful weapon.

59 CE[edit]

“Yo mama is so fat that when she went inside the ocean, all the land flooded”

~ A random Roman on your mom

64 CE[edit]

  • The Great Fire of Rome breaks out.

66 CE[edit]

  • People keep thinking about if they could make powerful weapons.

89 CE[edit]

The first troll that was seen by humans.

91 CE[edit]

  • Trolls go extinct.

119 CE[edit]

287 CE[edit]

  • A poor Roman family of seven is abducted by aliens.
  • Nobody cares about what just happened.

395 CE[edit]

476 CE[edit]

  • The western half of the Roman empire falls.

555 CE[edit]

621 CE[edit]

  • Gay claims tomatoes are not poisonous and is killed for questioning what the government says.

738 CE[edit]

800 CE[edit]

  • A group of people becomes the first vikings.

880 CE[edit]

  • A group of Vikings commit genocide by killing 12,190 people.
  • All the vikings who helped with the genocide are put to death.
A viking about to order an act of genocide.

881 CE[edit]

  • Another group of vikings that were smaller than the one that committed genocide try to infiltrate a castle but fail.

902 CE[edit]

  • 653 vikings are sacrificed to try to make Odin, one of their gods, happy.

1066 CE[edit]

  • The last viking dies.

1099 CE[edit]

1160 CE[edit]

  • A pastor teaches that Satan and the other people of Hell eat the living's shit.

“Thatan and the other people of Hell have broken at leatht one law of God tho that they have to eat the living's shit.”

~ A random pastor who lived in 1160 CE on the people of Hell

1211 CE[edit]

  • A painting of a naked Muhammad (including his penis) is made.
  • The painting becomes the most popular piece of pornography of that time.

1300 CE[edit]

1320 CE[edit]

  • Condoms become illegal in Europe when a pastor teaches that God gave humans the ability to fuck so that they could have a more fun way of having kids, not to just mess around.

“God gave humanth the ability to fuck so that they could have a more fun way of having kidth, not to just meth around. You mutht question God tho condomth are bad.”

~ A random pastor who lived in 1320 CE on condoms

1386 CE[edit]

1401 CE[edit]

  • The shortest battle of the 15th century is fought between ninja lasting only 10 seconds.

1492 CE[edit]

1564 CE[edit]

1568 CE[edit]

  • Galileo learns to count to 10.

1632 CE[edit]

  • Galileo's book Dialogo sopra i due massimi sistemi del mondo, tolemaico e copernicano appears in Florence.

1642 CE[edit]

  • Galileo dies.

1726 CE[edit]

  • A stampede of cattle kills 33 farmers and 61 Native Americans.
  • Nobody cares about the event with the cattle, farmers, and Native Americans.

1733 CE[edit]

1776 CE[edit]

1800 CE[edit]

  • Tomatoes are found out to not be poisonous.
  • Random person kills himself after eating a tomato to show that tomatoes make you mentally ill.
  • Nobody believes what that person did.

1847 CE[edit]

1853 CE[edit]

  • Thomas Edison loses his first lower central incisor.

1854 CE[edit]

  • Thomas Edison loses his first upper central incisor.

1874 CE[edit]

  • Thomas Edison invents the quadruple telegraph.

1880 CE[edit]

  • People are more curious than ever if they could invent a powerful weapon.

1886 CE[edit]

  • Aliens arrive Earth (this is the last alien arrival on Earth while humans are still not extinct) but are quickly shot by pistols and rifles.

1891 CE[edit]

  • Aliens start to not send any more of their kind to Earth because they keep disappearing.
  • Aliens also start to call Earth the "planet of no return".

1931 CE[edit]

  • Thomas Edison dies.

1932 CE[edit]

1934 CE[edit]

1945 CE[edit]

1951 CE[edit]

The bear killed in the military base in 1951 CE.

1963 CE[edit]

  • American Atheists is made, causing Christianity to decline in the USA.
  • Pastor kills himself after his church closes.

1970 CE[edit]

  • The popularity of sex starts to decline only on Earth.

1994 CE[edit]

  • Amazon is made.

2005 CE[edit]

2010 CE[edit]

  • The iPad is invented.
The iPad made everyone happy.

2013 CE[edit]

  • Matricide is invented.
The first act of matricide.

2017 CE[edit]

No! Why did this horrible person have to become the president of the USA?

2065 CE[edit]

  • Known oil reserves run out.
  • As a coincidence, science becomes better than ever when scientists finally prove strings exist.

2068 CE[edit]

2072 CE[edit]

  • World War V ends.

2102 CE[edit]

  • Aliens look at Earth just to see if humans aren't extinct yet.

2109 CE[edit]

  • Aliens predict humans will go extinct in 2110 CE.

2110 CE[edit]

  • Humans go extinct.
  • Uncyclopedia falls with humanity.

13000 CE[edit]

50000 CE[edit]

74963 CE[edit]

  • Aliens find out humans have went extinct.
  • The aliens start spreading the news.

892734 CE[edit]

  • Aliens fly to Earth

892924 CE[edit]

  • The aliens arrive on Earth.

892926 CE[edit]

  • The aliens dig up the body of JFK.

898736 CE[edit]

  • The alien civilization on Earth is gone.

1289378 CE[edit]

1776000 CE[edit]

  • An alien country named the United States of America (USA) is made.

1776001 CE[edit]

  • The alien USA falls.

4538978 CE[edit]

13879519 CE[edit]

  • Slavery is banned in every culture in the Universe.

74893597 CE[edit]

  • World War XXII begins.

74893603 CE[edit]

  • World War XXII ends in a tie.
  • The time period of making civilizations on Earths ends.

250000000 CE[edit]

  • A new supercontinent appears on Earth.

276347834 CE[edit]

  • Aliens decide to clean up most of the carbon dioxide on Earth and let the rest decay naturally.

300000000 CE[edit]

800000000 CE[edit]

  • Multicellular life becomes impossible on Earth.

2345892304 CE[edit]

  • People stop masturbating because of how unpopular sex has become.

2800000000 CE[edit]

  • Life becomes impossible on Earth when it heats up to about 296.33 degrees Fahrenheit.

3458902304 CE[edit]

  • Obese people become banned from all cultures in the Universe.

7600000000 CE[edit]

  • Earth's sun swallows up Earth.

21048930489 CE[edit]

  • The popularity of sex starts to decline throughout the Universe.

21940000000 CE[edit]

  • Galaxies rip apart.

21956890893 CE[edit]

  • Masturbation starts to decline.

21956944348 CE[edit]

A soldier with a death ray.

“Very useful for killing enemies.”

~ A random soldier on death rays

21965689568 CE[edit]

  • People stop masturbating because of how unpopular sex has become.

“Masturbation is only for stupid fuckers.”

~ A random alien on masturbation

22000000000 CE[edit]

∞ CE[edit]

  • The Universe becomes infinitely large.