The Happening

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Original Poster with a spoiler of the killer.

“Huh? What? Who are you? Who... am... I? What am I doing here? Where are my pants?”

~ Ronald Reagan on scriptwriting

“The Happening... its... happening!”

~ Captain Obvious on whats happening

“I find it shallow and pedantic!”

~ Peter Griffin on this movie

The Happening is an American blockbuster and 37 Academy Award winning film, widely considered to be M. Night Shamalamadingdong's best. Even the film's incredibly descriptive yet ominous name is considered a stroke of genius, at least in the sense that many people speculate that Shyamwomanhearmeroar probably stroked out before he came up with it. Several times. Then he wrote the script and fucked a producer or two (before and after).


Originally intended to be a light children's fairy-tale, along the lines of Elf, most actors in the film were so embarrassed to be associated with it that they started killing themselves on camera in creative ways (other than Marky-Mark, who has no shame). Rather than do the right thing and follow his coworkers into the hell that surely awaited them for their shit judgment, M. Night completely rewrote the script to incorporate and explain these suicides. This is apparent in the opening scene in Central Park, when all actors on set suddenly stop in their tracks, realize the shit-pile they've dragged themselves into, and start walking backwards in their hurry to get away (from that shit).

Luckily, Marky-Mark's character is a high-school science teacher. Foreshadowing the totally intelligent events to come, he asks his class for theories about why bees are disappearing, and chooses, "who the fuck knows?," as the best answer. This later ties neatly into the main theme, namely, "Dude, it's probably like the plants and shit. Oh fuck, here comes the wind!" The principal pulls Marky-Mark and the other teachers out of class and lets them know that terrorists are making the other actors off themselves, and that they should leave.

Marky-Mark rushes home to his big-eyed tiramisu-eating slut of a wife, played by Zooey Deschanel. They're having major problems that involve her being a flighty bitch who's pissed off about something (dude, who the fuck knows?). They decide to leave with their friend, who just happens to have a cute little girl for them to save from the plants later. They get on a train. The train-people conveniently decide that the best thing to do is to ditch everyone's asses in the middle of nowhere.

The locals in the middle of nowhere decide that the best thing to do is to get the fuck outta dodge. Marky-Mark's friend hasn't heard from his wife in like two hours, so he decides that means she's safe and he should go find her. But he leaves the little girl with Zooey and Marky because she's so goddamn cute (awww). The friend goes back to Princeton to slice his wrists, and Marky-Mark and pals head for the hills. They meet up with Gomer Pyle, an army private who is so foul-mouthed, at one point he even says, "cheese-and-crackers." They all wisely decide to ditch their cars and head off into the woods with Gomer.

By this time Marky-Mark is starting to figure out that grass is killing big groups of people, and not even the kind M. Night Shamnozzle smoked way too much of while he was writing and directing this bullshit. Nope, it's just like normal grass and shit. So he splits his little group off from the big group, and sure enough, Shazzam, Shazzam, Shazzam, Gomer manages to find his tiny brain with a bullet. They encounter a radio out in the field, but decide it's too useful to take along with them. At some point some annoying kids hook up with the group, but luckily they get shot by rednecks.

The cute little bitch they brought with them starts to get hungry, so they find a house out in the woods. The old bitch who lives there very bitchily feeds them dinner, and pisses and moans before offering them a place to spend the night. She really couldn't give a shit less about the plants and so-forth. So of course she dies the next morning, but not before busting some holes in some windows, letting in the deadly plant shit. Marky-Mark, the smartest high-school science teacher in the world, stands there and stares for a minute before going into another room and closing the door. He has a very moving conversation about dying with Zooey through a speaking tube, and we're totally convinced (and relieved) that Marky-Mark and pals are about to bite the big one. No such luck. Marky-Mark decides he'll just go outside and take some chances, and Zooey does the same thing. They're rewarded (and we're punished) for their brilliant move when it turns out the plants don't want to kill them.

Next scene is three months later. We see Zooey's pregnant, so either she decided to go ahead and fuck the Tiramisu-dude, or Marky-Mark managed to slip one through. At this point we really don't give a shit. Everything's fine, but, oh, wait! Some dumbfucks in Russia are about to kill themselves too. Roll credits.

Themes and artistic context[edit]

The Happening (abridged version)

Marky Mark uses the collapse of humanity as a metaphor for the decay in quality of Hollywood film scripts. When M. Night Shyamalan heard of Marky's project, he immediately offered the music video documentary concept on the same theme; the two were immediately united in dispair. Both had previously worked on a number of quality scripts and both found the continuing trends in script quality disturbing. The music video follows the lyrics of the song, expressing utter confusion as to how the scriptwriting industry managed to saunter ever downwards, like an overweight middle aged male ineptly spiraling down a strip pole in the opening (humiliation) phase of a weight loss reality television show.
The Happening was released following several other projects also discussing the same theme, which also happened to be mistaken for feature films. In late 2007 Will Smith released into cinemas a 1 hour 40 minute advertisment for his personal aftershave line, I Am Legend, in which he suggested that both zombies and sequels can find nourishment in the brains of their companions but at the end of the day it's still a decomposing lumbering undead shell. Will Smith is currently working on the sequel aftershave, I Am Legender, also rumored to have an advertisment scheduled for cinema release.
Film watchers received Cloverfield in early 2008, dispite it being being an 84 minute long trailer for Half-Life 3 instead of a film. Expanding on the inevitable decay of humanity as a species, Cloverfield explored the idea that killing a Hollywood scriptwriter every 20 minutes would lead to improved quality, and if it didn't, everything could be filmed really dark and be scary using the precedent set by Doom 3.


William Shatner provided Marky Mark with creative assistance for the ad-libbed rap based on the final lines of the original chorus:

And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?

William Shatner's profound skill and experience with spoken word media allowed the rap to continue for over an hour with no discernable mental health issues, although extras on the set of the music video were found to be killing themselves using whatever props M. Night Coconutshy had left around the set.

The Cause Of The Crazy[edit]

Yes, that's right, Marky Mark and his friends had smoked some seriously crazy shit and they went completely crazy. This ofcourse was all an evil plot by M Night Shamylan, who had been bpossesed by the ghost of Zakk Wylde ( Oscar Wilde's long lost not so southern brother) who hated Marky because of his music's serious lack a acoustic guitar albums and squealy noises. Later M. Nigh Shamylan came to his senses and tried to sae Marky, but it was too later, they had all put on construction worker's outfits and jumped off the top of the studio, making a great opening scene for the video. And a nice minced human sandwich to satisy Shamylan's never ending hunger for human flesh.

IT'S PLANTS. All the plants in the world get wicked pissed and release toxic gases. Talk about some gay shit. I release toxic gases all the time; you don't see ME making a movie about it.

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