The Hawaiian conquest of Wales

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The Hawaiian conquest of Wales was an article written for the Noob only writing competition 2012!
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And yay for them!

“Give them back!”

~ The Welsh people on their stolen vowels

“Come and get them!”

~ Leonidas The Hawaiian people on the vowels they stole
The Hawaiian Invasion of Swansea

The Hawaiian conquest of Wales (also known as The Vowels Rapture and The War over Vowels) was a deadly conflict, between Hawaii and Wales. It is one of the bloodiest wars of ancient times and the one out of two wars that didn't start for money or land.[1] The Hawaiians won the war due to their supremacy at sea, as they had canoes and surfers.


Both countries had normal spelling rules, with words having vowels and consonants. However, the Hawaiians got bored of their language and wanted to have a new one. All their scholars were foolish shamans, without any knowledge on linguistics. Thus they decided not to create a new language, but to steal it. They assembled an army, took their mighty canoes and went overboard. They actually didn't know where to go, so they visited their relatives in Samoa.

There, the Hawaiians learned about Wales, a far place where white people lived. The Samoans told them that these folks had plenty of vowels to be stolen. They all had a big crazy party and the army left for Wales. As a matter of fact, the Hawaiians couldn't reach their destination with their canoes. But because this is Uncyclopedia, impossible is nothing.

The battles[edit]

Both armies consisted of fierce warriors

The invading army made a stop at Italy, where the warriors tasted pizza. According to legend, this cultural exchange resulted in the pineapple pizza.

The Hawaiians attacked by sea. The Welsh were completely unprepared, but they managed to reorganize their army. Initially, the invaders asked them politely to hand over the vowels. Because of the language difference though, the Welsh thought it was something like "F*** you blondies!" and thus they answered "F*** you niggaz!" The Hawaiians explained them that they weren't niggers, but Polynesians. The war just began...

Many skirmishes occured, but the first real battle was given near Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.[2] The Welsh prepared for the battle by screwing sheep, while the Hawaiians had some of those badass tattoos. During the battle many warriors died, but the Hawaiians were victorious and they took the vowels of the surrounding region.

The whole Welsh army got into the Cardiff castle and waited for the next attack. The enemy didn't wasted time on siege, but instead conquered the rest of the country, taking most the vowels. Many atrocities happened, as the Welsh people were forbidden to scream things like AAAAAAA! and were forced to yell GGGGGGGGGG! or DDDDDDDDD!

The Hawaiians received some battering rams by the English, who wanted to help them in order to enslave their neighbours in their just fight. As expected, the Hawaiians took Cardiff and became the masters of Wales.

Occupation and departure[edit]

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Wikipedia doesn't have a proper article about The Hawaiian conquest of Wales. It really wouldn't help those so-called experts by writing one either.

Immediately, the Hawaiians stared plundering around. They stole 92.4% of the Welsh vowels, as well as the 5% of their women. Sooner or later, the conquerors got bored of the sunless country and they decided to go home. Before leaving they told the Welsh: "If you try to form a language with vowels, we'll come back and take your consonants too!"

The Hawaiians returned home rich with vowels, leaving Wales rich in consonants and tongue-twisters.

See also[edit]


  1. The other being the War in Iraq, which is obviously about giving the people a true democracy.
  2. The town name had more vowels at that time, but I'm afraid that if I write it, I'll have my hand twisted.