The History of the Universe

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Approved by Kansas Board of Education
Approved by the Kansas State Board of Education
This page meets all criteria and requirements for use as teaching material within the State of Kansas public school system. It consists of facts, not of theories, and students are encouraged to believe it uncritically, and to approach alternatives critically.
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According to the Bible, which is of course the standard textbook on all forms of history, God (beginning of time-1997)created the universe in 7 days. this kind of tight schedule perhaps explains why He did such a shoddy job. Over the course of the 5,000 or so years that the universe has existed a lot of important events have occurred, so the following have been defined as the most important:

The fall of mankind[edit]

God kicks Adam and Eve out of his pad in the Garden of Eden for repeatedly leaving their dirty fig leaves around and expecting Him to wash them, as well as hanging around with "the serpent", who is actually solid snake who has travelled back in time having learnt that God is working on a new Metal Gear. The temporal nonsensicality of this is unimportant, because no-one points out discrepancies when you start talking about time travel. Following their ejection from paradise, the first man and woman went on to create the Republican party (which was transformed into the super-mega-right-wing-death-party by George W Bush in 2010) and saw that it was good. we can see from this the dilution of perfection from creation ton creation; God, who was perfect created Adam and Eve, who were imperfect but alright, and they created Republicanism, which is the lowest concept in existence.

The birth of Jesus[edit]

After several test runs in the Sahara desert God creates the sacred Jesus sperm and impregnates Mary with it. The son of man/God/Mary/whoever is born, conveniently enough, right on the year 0, resulting in some confusion as people begin to believe this is what the calendar is based on. In the years BC it was in fact counting down to the prophecised date of the discovery of chocolate which would, supposedly, lead to the end of the world through its creamy goodness. when this doesn't happen the calendar makers rather embarrassedly start counting up again. With Jesus's birth, however, a new era in the history of the universe begins, as the father of all hippies teaches the world about the importance of peace, goodwill, hemp, and contradicting everything God said in the Old Testament. Displeased with His creation's lack of respect for his violent way of ruling God appeals to SUPERGOD (about whom all nouns and pronouns must be written entirely in capitals, as opposed to regular God who only requires the first letter to be capitalised) and HE said to Him that if He was going to go around creating children then He could damn well take care of them Himself, and then muttered to HIMSELF at some length about the incompetence of HIS subordinates. In any case, God slank off and persuaded the Jews that Jesus wasn't really the Messiah and got them to crucify him. This incident has created some friction between the Jews and Christians which has lasted to the present day, and will only be resolved in the Divine Rumble, which will supposedly take place after judgement day and decide once and for all who is the hardest out of Jesus, God, the Dalai Lama, and a tag-team of Hindu Gods.

The end of the universe[edit]

This occurred in 1956, but unfortunately no-one noticed.

The death of God[edit]

After becoming prime minister of England, the only part of America situated in Europe, Tony Blair passes an act which states that there is no God, causing Him to vanish and allowing Allah to become supreme overlord of earth until George Bush decides that everything even vaguely related to the middle east is evil, and so pokes out his eye with a nuclear missile.

So endeth the history of the universe... so far.

Still the end of the universe[edit]

The end of the universe is 1 X 10^9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 quadrillion light years away. It is well calculated by Einstein after he died. I mean when he is in the spirit stage. He tries to solve the theory of everything at hell accompanied by Satan. He gives a chance to do it 'cause Satan believe he will finish this theory. He proved that String theory was wrong. He proposed a theory called Kakus' theory of something named after Prof. Michio Kaku. He also proves that Big bang theory was wrong. Our observable universe is made by you. Yeah! You! You made our universe! What is your name again?