The Invention of Crack

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Approved by Kansas Board of Education
Approved by the Kansas State Board of Education
This page meets all criteria and requirements for use as teaching material within the State of Kansas public school system. It consists of facts, not of theories, and students are encouraged to believe it uncritically, and to approach alternatives critically.


Crack was invented by robot scientists run on Jesus Juice in the early 1980's to insure Ronald Reagan's control over the world.



Although the idea of crack is not for certain, it is rumored that Jimmy Carter came up with the idea of crack to mixed into the fabrics of veils. These veils were to be given to the Arabs in control of oil in the Middle East, thus ending the oil embargo. This plan was known as "The Official James E. Carter Jr. Guide to Stopping Those A-rabs From Controlling All The Phucking Oil in the Middle East," also known as TOJEC Jr. GTST A-R FCATPOITME. However, due to it's long name, even when written in the abbreviated form, along with the stereotypical laziness of an average American, the plan was never put into effect...until Reagan.


The year was 1980, and although Reagan was assured a victory to Grand Poobah of the United States of Earth, he not only wanted to win in a landslide victory, but punish all who opposed him. He hired NoeShitte Sherlock, second cousin to Sherlock Holmes, to search through the archive of the world to the Jimmy Carter's forgotten proposal. It was located and immediately became the top priority of Ronald McReagan. He used his magical powers to build robots to refine and manufacture this new drug, given the name "AIDDS." AIDDS stands for Advanced Internal Diagnostic Dietary Supplement. At first, it was introduced into the medical market as a diet pill, as you may have very well guessed. But their was one flaw, the only people who use diet pills are rich, snobby, pompous, gold-digging bitches who live in Beveryly Hills and other notably rich communities (For Further Detail, see Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Reagan then used his magical powers to change the drug from AIDDS to Crack Cocaine, or crack. He then sprinkled crack onto all the welfare checks. When these welfare checks reached poor people in the inner city, they would smell the crack and immediately be hooked (one of the ingredients of crack is Ronald Reagan's armpit hairs, which are, as we all know, made of pharemones). Reagan then used FBI, CIA, KKK, and DEA agents and strategically placed them on street corners selling and distributing crack. The poor inner city populous now hooked on crack was helpless to Grand Poobah Reagan's capitalist policies. Thanks to recent reports by time travelling hippie journalists, it is said that if crack was never invented, the Star Wars defence grid would have been implemented, but Walter Mondale would've won, and as 'American Dad' stated, Mondale would have given the greatest country in the universe to Gorbachev.


Crack was rampant and turning seemilly harmless poor people into green monsters who drive pimped out cars and suck *toes* for money. But a small group of uber smart rebels living on Endor decided to strike back. They took Sudafed, Claritin, and empty two liter soda bottles and placed all into a baking pan and invented meth. As quickly as they invented this new drug, they gave out to poor people, but not the poor people in the city, oh no. They gave it out to poor people in rural towns and other places that have trailer parks. Also, due to its simplicity of manufacturing meth, the poor meth users living in trailer parks could easily and eventually WOULD make their own meth. With all the poor, redneck, hick, whitebred, trailer-trash glue sniffing people under the hypnosis of meth, Bill Clinton was able to win election and subsequently, re-election.

The 21st Century[edit]

As Y2K came and went, the robot scientists have collaborated with the rebels on Endor to find a compromise in this drug war. Negotiations are now being taken place on Pollis Massa, and barring that nothing happens to stop the negotiations, Crack and meth will be combined to create a new drug called SXR-170. SXR-170 will then be marketed as a penis enhancement drug, and since penis enhancement drugs don't work, the new drug would eventually be taken off the shelves and placed into the vault that contains all the copies of 'Gigli' that were never sold (Note that this is a very large vault).