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The residents of Ireland (or the unfortunate in Irish) are a spiteful race of tall, bearded men that wear clothing from the late 1900s. If you are unsure if someone is Irish, you can also look to their skin tone, which is often pale with freckles. The Irish are a nosey and simple folk, and distant cousins to modern man. They are identifiable mainly by an affinity for Guinness and Gucci and a distinct absence of luck with horticulture. Contrary to popular stereotype, the Irish are not stupid nor do they lack the faculty of reason; they merely refuse to be swayed by the lascivious temptations of so-called 'intelligence' or 'logic', and are thus prone to militant Catholicism (when it an excuse to be racist otherwise totally anti-god), mass-procreation, and habitual drunkenness. Te Irish have been known to worship (outside of Church) potatoes. This has been the only food found in Ireland before the Americans discovered it. Potatoes, the Irish declare, can be used for almost everything, from bread, butter, alcohol (poteen but is been replaced by abstine from a spanish airport on a cheap flight to Lanza-rotten), weapons, and even cushions. It is for this reason that the Irish worship these vegetables and consider them sacred. The Irish often seem to have physical disabilities, which had been proven, is due to hundreds of years of inbreeding. This has caused premature deaths, mutations (such as leprechauns) and other disabilities (similar to British royal family, but Polish women prove to be the Irish kate middleton, adding new blood to the pool)

The Irish (and possibly the Scots) are a subspecies of Grue. The Irish were at one time the most advanced Grue civilization in the world. Unfortunately, they would have doomed the human race in ten years, until the invention of the still. The rest as they say is history.

The Irish race is primarily located in the cheaper parts apof the eastern United States, and Liverpool, England. However, small populations still exist on their native island of Ireland where numbers have dwindled significantly due to famine, as well as the onset of British and Polish colonization. Though often thought to have migrated to Ireland in 44 B.C. from Germany they are in fact natives of that small archipelago off the coast of France. There they attempted to conduct civil society, but their cell phones often quit working, which often caused many problems during Ireland's civilized period. That was before they discovered Guinness. Despite being anglo-Irish and commenting on every other article Oscar Wilde refused to give up a snappy quote for this page.

“What about this one yew wankers?”

~ Oscar Wilde on on the above statement.

Irishmen are Spaniards who went the wrong way northward and landed on one of the two British isles.

Information Regarding the Proper Use and Care Of Your Irishman[edit]

This is extremely racist and unrealistic. For one thing, there's soap.

An Irishman's hair should be treated daily in bogwater to preserve colour. It is also recommended to comb the often-quite-thick hair on the back and shoulders with a small camel-hair brush, whilst gently singing of ways to smite the British. Almost every Irishman living in Ireland has brown or black hair, however a disproportionate number of Irish-Americans have red hair, due to improper solar exposure: Ireland is one of the few places in the world never to get any direct sunlight.

CAUTION: It is highly recommended to store your Irishman in a cool, moist, preferably rainy space, and DO NOT EXPOSE TO SUNLIGHT. If exposed to sunlight, very bright red discoloration is normal. Bathe in a solution of aloe vera and vitamin E for several weeks before returning to normal activity. If your Irishman experiences trembling, loss of appetite and general unpleasantness, administer liberal amounts of Jameson's and/or Beamish. When properly restored, your now inebriated Irishman will let you know he is healthy again by thanking you in a secret Irish language composed of moans, grunts, nasal whines and guttural interjections. (see Gaelic)

WARNING: You should NEVER use your Irishman if you are in possession of a fertile womb. Improper use may cause severe multiple pregnancies. Always consult your doctor before using an Irishman. Prolonged exposure to an Irishman may cause liver disease and/or renal failure. If left unattended he may cause you to fall into serious debt and need the assistance of the IMF. Lesser side effects, such as morning irritability, 'Guinness-diarrhea', dizziness, vomiting and 'hairy hands' are common. Never combine an Irishman with an Englishman, may cause death.

Famous Irish People[edit]

  • Oscar Wilde - Of course
  • Terry Wogan - "Oh I know I was shocked too when I found out."
  • Every Australian and American to date
  • Mc O'Giver - a man that can build up a distillery with only a match, some soap and two chewing-gums.
  • Barack O'Bama - 44th US president to have come from Ireland. Not to be confused with Barack O'Barman, the waiter seen flailing in Rick Astley's timeless classic Never Gonna Give You Up.
  • Susan O' Boyle - The hairy angel from Munster who won Ireland's Got At Rashers
  • Saint Michael O'Jackson - A God figure in and around the streets of Dublin
  • Chuck O'Norris, the world's deadliest Irishman.
  • Samuel O'Jackson - "Faith and begorrah! I've had it with the motherfecking snakes on this motherfecking plane, so I have. Now I am going to make like St Patrick and get rid of them ... by opening some windows, so I will."
  • Captain O'Bvious - "These being Irish snakes, the only way you can get them to leave is to say that you've run out of Beamish, so you will."
  • Y O'da - Ireland's greatest Jedi. "Go brach, Erin will!"
  • Eamonn Yarlog - Africa's leading Irishman.
  • Father Ted.
  • Hilary Clinton- A legendary banshee who is rumoured to have driven the snakes out of Ireland
  • Dunnes Stores - Irelands answer to Wal-Mart and ASDA. A compromise between Penny's and shoplifting.
  • Carroll's Irish Gifts - A Chinese shop where American tourists stay when holidaying in Ireland.
  • Barack Obama (Known there as Barry O'Bama) President of the United States, and about 50 other ones.
  • Fran Connolly - the great.
  • Anyone worldwide who answers to Red, Mac, Irish, Yank, or Lad.
  • The IRA - Influential in the peace process
  • Peter Griffin.
  • A man from County Kerry who does nothing other than hang around with two friends, one English and one Scottish, and portraying a negative stereotype of Irish people as stupid. He is rumoured to have died in many ways: in front of a firing squad, or by stabbing himself with a fork, or by jumping out of a plane with a faulty parachute, etc etc etc.
  • Jesus O'Nasarath
  • Frank Carson. its just the way he tells them you know...
  • Paddy O'Furniture Inventor of the couch-bed, and the lesser known, and far less popular toilet-bed.
  • Patches O'Hoolihan - Famous Dodgeball player.
  • Saint Patrick-famous gang member in the crips, bloods, black panther, Klu Klux Klan, Latin kings, and the Russian mafia.(But not the fuckin' pink panthers!)

Irish Jokes[edit]

  • Patrick went for an interview for a job on a building site. The foreman asked, 'What's the difference between a joist and a girder?' After some thought, Patrick replied, 'I think Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust'.
  • Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick, two characters from an Irish joke.
  • What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk
  • Patrick McComicomricks--- The Only way that name could be anymore Irish is if it were Potatoes McHugePenis.
  • Ulick McGee....very Irish name - pronounced 'you lick ma gee' (gee is Gaelic for cunt)
  • What's black and blue and floats in the Irish Sea?
An Englishman who tells Irish jokes.
  • An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bar. The Irishman shoots the Englishman, shouts "UP THE IRA!" and leaves.

Pat Magroin Paddy O'Furniture Dick Long the Bulgers, the Johnsons Peter Hickey Rick O'Shea Neal Downe Phillip McCann Dick Burns Phil McCracken Michael Fitzpeter Peter Fitzmichael Maurice Fitzhenry Henry Fitzmaurice Gerald Fitzpatrick Patrick Fitzgerald

Things that are Irish[edit]

  • GAA, Nick, and everything Green is Irish.
  • The mold on the clothes on your floor that you haven't picked up in two years is a Tallagah habit, but Tallagh is regrettably Irish.
  • Racism is very Irish.
  • Taking dick up the ass... actually it's French, bot eet be vah-ry poop-ular wit teh Oi-rish Police force, the Garda Siochána.
  • Though many would rather keep it under wraps, Irishmen (and women) are actually green skinned, being cousins of the troglodyte race.
  • Also, the double bass was invented by Irish druidic witches, and it is well known that little green aliens are actually long lost descendants of ancient Irishmen, who come back to check up on their cousins every once in a while.
  • All Americans are Irish or so they say.
  • Potatoes are also Irish, first used by famous Irishman Paul Robinson (aka the Potato Hunter). After describing the local women as some of the ugliest people he had ever seen, he turned to the potato as a form of sexual pleasure, (see Rincewind, Discworld).
  • Other things that are Irish include Evil. Therefore, killing a Jew through the ######## of Irish is sin!
  • Patrick Mcmanus is an Irishman, maybe only the rarest of Irish. He may have a vagina but he doesn't have any masculinity about him. As he is Irish he has one magical power and with that power he turned Ashley Lee into an Irish. It was a painful process; he started to bleed and froth from the the mouth (beer froth) and slowly collapsed, to accept he is an Irishman
  • Catholicism is indeed Irish. anyone with half a functioning brain-stem knows that Ireland is the most unatheist place in the world and that those filthy, sex-mad Italians have no right to house The Vatican
  • GOD himself is Irish.
  • The Pope being 67% more important and holy than God has to be Irish.
  • Protestants are certainly not Irish, their souls being condemned to the sulphuric vats of hell-fire for all eternity, the bastards.
  • Rugby is an english sport but is played in a lot of predominately protestant areas, full of West Brits, such as South Dublin.
  • Immigrating is very Irish
  • High Fashion is Irish or so we thought during the mid 2000s
  • Empty Huge Homes are very Irish
  • Rain every hour of every day of every year for the past 10,000 years is very Irish.


  • That book, Angela's Ashes, was totally written by an Irish guy who felt the need to let people know he lost his virginity to a girl with tuberculosis.
  • Recently the Irish changed their currency back from potato peel to the Euro after the banks of Ireland had problems with everyone eating the money
  • The Irish receive sunburn from starlight, candlelight and fireworks. To avoid being burned, the Irish neglect to celebrate birthdays, and hate astronomy. "Feck Stars" is a common t-shirt.
  • Dubliners in Ireland, outside the city limits, are traditionally hunted, torture and killed. When found, it is rumoured if one puts the Dub's face in an acid bath and shouts "I WANT YOUR TEARS DUB", good luck is sure to follow!
  • Irish mens' fingers are in fact sausages. Delicious sausages.
  • Leprechauns are just very very VERY small, wealthy Irish people. They have their own government, rights and land. It's adorable.
  • Irish women have four wombs, giving them the ability to 'drop' a 'load' of children.
  • Ireland once invaded Canada. This was generally regarded as a bad move by all involved and is rarely talked about. There was a POW camp, originally called Guantonamarra Bay, but was later renamed Newfoundland.
  • Cauliflower is highly poisonous to Irish children. Parents ofter threaten misbehaving children: "I'll shove Cauliflower in your gob, ya prick!"
  • Priests in Ireland are respected and suspected in equal measure.
  • Irish Wolfhounds are actually Yorkshire Terriers that have been mercilessly stretched on a rack since birth. Somebody should really start a facebook page.
  • It is a little known fact that everyone who emigrated from Ireland during the Great Famine - every one of them - was an Irish police man or woman. Hence the proliferation of Irish American police in New York and Boston.
  • Irish Americans openly supported the causes of the IRA in their fight to liberate Northern Ireland in the 1970s. No-one in Ireland did.
  • In the U.S.A., about everyone is at least one-16th Irish.
  • In Canada, many French-Canadians are a bunch of lost stranded Irishmen taken in by the priests in Quebec, yea?
  • Every four seconds an Irishman dies from the potato blight. Just five pounds or ten dollars a month to the United Irish College and Potato Fund will cure him.
  • Ginger hair is not a trait of the Irish but of the Scottish. That's right. Gingers are Scottish.
  • Every 20 seconds 45 acres of Leprechaun Forest is chopped down and turned into Lucky Charms. The leprechaun is now an endangered species.
  • The O' in many Irish surnames stands for, "Oscar Wilde"
  • You know the girl who wrote Harry Potter? Well she isn't Irish, she's British and therefore a mortal enemy of the Irish race.
  • The Irish are highly superstitious. Tell them that Sarah Palin or Hilary Clinton is in the area and they will begin a witch hunt. Burning Torches not included; fire would cause sunburn.
  • Not one Irishman has ever said, "Top of the mornin' to ye." The said claim is ridiculous as the Irish are too drunk to speak.
  • The Titanic was made by Irishmen. It was designed to sink. The Irish people on board knowingly gave their lives, dismantling the craft from within, to ensure that a load of wealthy Brits would drown.
  • Whilst many Americans love and adore the Irish, the Irish hate Americans for deserting and disowning their homeland when the Potato Famine came. Not one Irishman will mention the word "Australia" except when combined with "Immigrate to".
  • If you want to make friends with an Irishman, French kiss him on the lips and tell him that British Rule is a lovely idea.
  • The Troubles refer to a popular music group in the 1970's who had a top ten hit with, "Don't Crop Till You Get Enough".
  • It is said that if you stand on the bottom of your stairs on Halloween night and say,"U2 are shite," Bono will appear and chase you up the stairs. If he catches you, you must spend an eternity listening to "With or Without You" on loop
  • Irish people are less catholic then before, in the good years Irish believe polytheism was popular and they worship gods like Ralph Lauren Gucci Louis Vuitton now people returned to one god in order to save their 4 Bedroom Semi complete with American Style Fridge.

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

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