The King of Fighters
The King of Fighters (KOF for short <Hebrew for monkey, קוף>) is a very ancient fighting tournament, dated from the year 1 in the Jewish calendar. It was created to determine who is the second best fighter to Bruce Lee in a determined year.
This tournament is usually sponsored by the local/actual world fighting badass. The sponsor has the role of organizing the rules and providing fighting sites. However, mostly the tournaments are also sponsored by Buddha and the legendary Kung Fu Man.
The tournament used to be secret, but all was messed up in 1991, when Terry Bogard threw Geese Howard from the roof of his building. A kingpin being thrown 122 floors down to where Mr. T and Pai Mei were playing Go is an impossible fact to hide.
Besides all the money and fame gained with the tournament, every classified fighter gains a discount of one to two years in his/her age. The finalists gains a extra one-year discount, and the winner can choose between minus five years in age or a spellbind that ensures them to support up to two knife wounds in the face without dying. Most people chooses the second alternative, since Yamazaki is a well-known fighter in these contests.
This is why in 1994 Athena Asamiya looks like a 21-years girl, back up to 1998 she looked more like 18 and in 2003 she looks like a slutty 15-year-old chick.
The rules are changed almost every year, but always keeping the basic rules:
- This is NOT Street Fighter. This rule means the 'one-to-one' fighting best-of-three rounds with time to regain all stamina lost is for Pussies. Usually the rules tell how many people are permitted in each team, but is known that amount will never be smaller than 3 and bigger than 8.
- This is NOT Mortal Kombat. This means that isn't obligatory the use of gimmiks, but mainly this means you aren't restricted to render your enemy senseless and dazed without stamina to perform a killing move. You can - and you MUST if you want to keep fighting - to perform those any time, once you get enough power to do so. One thing to keep in mind is that since you are using killing moves in a 'still-moving foe', if you are a used-to-MK-pansy, you will notice your enemy will not blast in a zillion pieces of flesh, nor break a bone or anything gruesome (but they still can bleed gallons of blood without dying). This is due to a known fact, the The King of Fighter's fighters are ways stronger than the Mortal Kombat warriors. Even a KOF rookie will find the Rayden's Thrashing Uppercut too weak to deserve the title of "punch". In fact, Outworld is a weaker dimension. Any KOF fighter in Outworld is confused with Omega Tom Hanks, who is, in fact, invincible.
- This is NOT Fight Club. Because Rugal Bernstein didn't say so.
And the most important of all rules:
- THIS IS NOT MARIO (Or Luigi). Every KOF fighter receives a detailed manual of rules, since the first tournament. Initially people didn't acknowledged the meaning of a sign of "don't do" with a Italian plumber jumping on a hapless living mushroom. But later, when Ramsés IV accidentally broke this rule, it was known its meaning: Never, in any way people will be authorized to hit/kill any opponent with a plain jump over the head (If you have to do a jump onto enemy's head, at least do something there to deal damage). Eating mushrooms or using star power-ups (Like Athena Asamiya) is permitted, but you must do something that deals decent damage instead of just touching and expecting the enemy to disappear. You can fly, but if you don't return to the floor in less than 8 seconds, Red Baron will shoot you down. For some reason, fireballs are enabled without boundaries.
An additional rule was added in 1987:
- THIS IS NOT DRAGON BALL. You must use carefully your energy beams and take care to do not abuse them, or you will be roundhouse-kicked. Beam clashes are terminally banished, and isn't permitted to fly out of the screen or both players fighting on the air defying the gravity. Sponsors found that so boring. To prevent sudden death, the KOF staff suggests all goku-esque entries to watch all the Dragon Ball series UNTIL the moment Goku learns how to fly. That will make them used to the "who shoots first, hits first", "flying is for bitches" and "fight like a man and kick that grenade" concepts.
Violence and American Blood
Even though the tournament does not involves evisceration, it keeps censored on some countries, especially in the United States. The censors there are very cocky, and tends to think if a child sees a tear of blood or eat a grain of sugar, they will be addicted and will be driven into berserk.
Because of that, when the fights happen to be made in american sites, all the fighters must be ready with the American Blood kit:
- Several gallons of Milk
- Wooden powder
- Metal-Spark fireworks
- Sleeves to conceal stuff
- A patented American Blood Concealer
This device makes every act of violence looking just a sparked hit (Like being hit by a badooken), every blood hit just spurts milk (sometimes it looks like something, er, different...) and teeth-breaking uppercuts just drops wooden splinters and powder or flour.
Rugal had a big problem with this, since his Gigantic Pressure usually spurts about three cubical meters of blood, and he usually ends a battle taking a bloodied hand. In USA, it looks more like a milk fountain and a pos-masturbation hand.
Not to mention, up to 93 most fighters were forced to say "Don't eat sugar, keep eating your vegetables and drinking soy milk" while in American soil.
Is worthy to say that 1994 and 1995 were kinda free tournaments, since everyone was enabled to drain blood or soul from anyone anywhere, even in USA, and also they could rip off the girl's clothes in the final strikes.
This ended in 1996 when one of the censors watching the tape of the tournaments had a massive boner that perforated his own skull while seeing Chang Koenhan ripping off King and Yuri's clothes. Since then, all the fighters in USA territory has to use the American Blood Kit.
In the broadcasts, the blood is coloured white with the help of Chroma Key effects, and the hits are censored with Batman "POW"s, "SOC"s and "PAFT"s.
The Roster and Mario
A usual treat of this tournament is that any entity, esper, demon, monster, ogre or somewhat is permitted to take part in the Tournament. Even Mario. In Mario's case, the no-Mario rule is overridden, just to prove that his fighting style is downright stupid and inefficient. He never made to the semifinals to the tournament entries anyway (except in 1988).
List of people who defeated Mario, thus prevented him to enter the tournament:
- Shingo Yabuki - Mario was knocked out with the Burning Shingo Move, while Shingo was really burning due to Mario's fireballs.
- Clark Steel - Mario had no chance. His Shinning Plumber strike was nullified by the Clark's Shinning Elbow strike. Any attempt of jumping over his head was frustrated by the Napalm Stretch (A patented Anti-Mario attack), was thrown away by the Franksteiner and finally when trying to crouch to defends himself, was smashed by the Shining Wizard. To give a special end, Clark blended the Super Argentina Backbreaker with the Super Arabian Burglar Backbreaker and devised the Super Italian Plumber Backbreaker.
- Leopold Goenitz - It's a funny story really. This crazy evangelical priest just ripped a nice one at the right time. It's why they call him "Leopold Goenitz of the Wildly Whipping Winds From Within".
- Steve Fox - I mean, ummm -- Shen Woo....whatever.
- Franziska von Karma - Or was that Elisabeth Blanctorche? Ah, who cares?
- Foxy - She served as the inspiration for the famous Jimi Hendrix ditty.
- Kyo Kusanagi - The combination of Lion Fitzgerald Kennedy (Leon Scott Kennedy), Dumbass Cashew (Domon Kasshu), and Hotheaded Cycler (Ghost Rider), his sole purpose of the KOF series is to be the basis for a myriad of unnecessary clones, including Kyo-1, Kyo-2, Kyo-666, Kyo-One-And-A-Half, Black Kyo, Female Kyo, and Gackt.
- Iori Yagami - His sole purpose of the KOF series is about him always being pissed at Kyo Kusanagi for his clones.
- Lin - Most of Lin's attacks consist of him using the venom in his veins to attack people; however, injecting himself with poison is an extremely retarded move, as he slowly and painfully died around the 2002 tournament. It's like he once said; "my venom has no antidote...the only cure is death".
- Momoko - A loli dancer whose been watching too much Dragon Ball Z
- Alba Meira - He's always pissed for two reasons; one, people keep calling him "Jessica" because of his first name; and two, his brother is a complete dumbass.
- Soiree Meira - Alba's complete and utter dumbass of a brother who constantly calls his brother "Jessica".
- King - Now I'm confused to what sex he/she is suppose to be. Anyway, they own a bar and have a very very younger brother who looks like a girl.
- Mai Shiranui - Ninja with big boobies... (damn, I wish I was Andy Bogard right now)
- Ash Crimson - Your local neighboorhood faggot. Was last seen wearing a muumuu.
- Benimaru Nikaido -Your other local neighborhood faggot. Was last seen trying to get Ash out of that muumuu.
- Duo Lon - Mad at Ash for kicking him out of his "club" and known to write emo poetry about it all the time. It is believed that he bored Mario to the point of unconsciousness with said emo poetry. Also, he claims to be a member of T.A.P.S. Known by his little sister as "Third Princess". I mean, c'mon. The guy looks totally girly. His favorite band is Linkin Park
- Xiao Lon - Also mad at Ash for kicking her big brother out of his "club". Mostly because she's an insane spaz who can't go five seconds without sucking up to Duo and calling him "Third Princess". Like Lin, she made the retarded move of injecting poison into her own bloodstream. Way to go, Xiao!
- Vanessa - Crazy boxing secret agent with horrendously deformed Popeye arms. But will most likely to punch you in 2's.
- Oswald - An old Irish fart who loves his cards, but loves his drugs more. Perhaps the oldest druggie in existence. He beat Mario by beating him at poker. Or Karnoffel. Or Yu-Gi-Oh. Or whatever his card game is.
- Shion - IT'S A TRAP!!!
- K' - The Kyo-wannabe. Looks skinny, but has 6 packs. Has pyrokinetic powers but uses violence as fighting style. Has white hair but looks young. Hates KOF but joined every tournament since 1123. His existence is an oxymoron.
- Maxima - A brickheaded robot. Loves to pester K'.
- Bonne Jenet - The pirate chick from Arroooooo: The Bark Of The Doggies. She seems to give Mai some competition in being the biggest slut in the KOF tournament, or even the entire SNK universe, for that matter. Also known for beating perverts with her shoe.
- Hinako Shijinko - I have NO IDEA how she managed to do it. Anyways, I have NO IDEA how she managed to enter the tournament anyway. And if you think of the hypothesis of seducing the judges, you must note that you can tell her virginity just by glancing at her. Oscar Wilde started to research how she managed to do it, but he ended up with nothing.
- Heidern - That was a hard one. Mario tried to make him drunk, but almost unsuccessful, since Heidern does not like to drink. But someday he shown Heidern a large set of kinds of Beer. Heidern said: "I will prove only one! Okay, sucker? Pick up carefully!". Somehow, Mario managed to choose the right choice: The Lager beer. Heidern felt addicted to it instantly. He proved the other beers, but liked only the Lager, and drank about 236 mugs in a night. Heidern spent all the night naked on the jungle drunken as a skunk and singing the Ikari Warriors theme song. But even under ultimate drunkenness, Heidern managed to defeat Mario flawlessly and even accidentally imprisoned his soul temporarily inside a bottle of beer.
- Athena Asamiya - Athena defeated Mario by making him try to guess what outfit she will wear to the next KOF tournament.
- Chang Koehan - A.K.A "Mr.Tusy", showing that a gigantic ball and chain outclasses a hammer anyday and that his belly flab is better! Also refuses to comment on the fact that he may be somewhat related to Mr. T!
- Mr. T - Mr. T participated on the KOF tournament from 1981 to 1989 in the A-Team, one of the most memorable teams ever graced the tournament while it still was a unknown and secret event to the world. The fight was the A-Team versus the American Mario Bros 2 Team. That was, Smith, B.A. (Mr. T), Peck and Murdock versus Peach, Mario, Luigi and Toad - Mr. T single-handed busted out every fighter from the American Mario Bros 2 team. In the following year, Raccoon Mario managed to make a scratch on Mr. T, but only a scratch, while Mr. T ripped all his fur letting him only with the tail and ears.
- Chizuru Kagura - Kikyo? No, it's not her? A sexy bitch in stiletto heels who dances funny.
- Seth Petruzelli - What he did to Kimbo Slice was NOTHING compared to the beatdown he laid on Mario. Mario ate like 75 magic mushrooms and became 4,000 feet tall, but Petruzelli threw a massive right hand, and the force of his blow propelled Mario into the Sun, which promptly shorted out, causing the last ice age.
- Yuri Sakazaki - She likes to attack with her "Super Ass Attack" move, which she learned from her now deceased father. Also note, her name is a reference to Yuri Lowenthal, a hot man, and a little known genre of hentai.
- Mature and Vice - SNK's equalvilant to Capcom's Juni and Juli. Please note that Vice likes getting on all fours and mooing like a cow. As for Mature, she.......yeah, I couldn't think of anything either.
- Leona - She's got blue hair. And, uh...she likes to caress machine guns. When she goes beserk, she dies her hair red.
- Kasumi Todoh - Daddy's little girl; Kasumi joined Mai and King to form the Women Fighters Team in 1996. She left the team shortly thereafter to go bar-hopping, but returned in 1999.
Even showing poor sportsmanship and fighting skills, the Sponsors keep thinking on Mario as a final boss, since with some training (he refuses any training at all, he thinks himself as a skillful plumber), he could make a decent boss (at least more decent than the 1997 Orochi, who is a pale and emo version of the 197 Orochi).
A thing that must be kept in mind is that Mario, in fact, defeated Rugal Bernstein in 1984. And looking how Rugal progressed in 10 years, with similar training, Mario must look fearsome.
But Mario probably will keep losing, since the major secret of the victory in this tournament is the (sigh) teamwork. Even if Mario was 50% of what Krizalid was (Ye, he pwned him once), he wouldn't win ever with a team made of Yoshis and some princess (He is tough at solo, if he eats a mushroom, though)
- Ikari Team (Formerly Nazi Team till 1959)
In the galaxy far...far away , The proto-emo made his way up to be Fuhrer and another Italian gangster joined together to huff all Jews and conquer the world But the third one secretly disagree with their term , he's , yes , Heidern. But at that time he's still unknown soldier. After WWII the first two member were no longer be in the team any more. Heidern changed team's name from "The Nazi Team" to "Ikari Team" .Lead by the Commander Heidern. He is always in the trace of every tournament sending his best soldiers to it. Basically, they do the same job that the A-Team kept doing until 1993. Only grossing more money.
- Fatal Fury Team
Lead by Terry Bogard, who thinks himself is a wolf and has a compulsion to kick kingpins from sky-high rooftops since one threw his father from one. With him is always Joe Higashi, a good-to-nothing guy who uses a thong as a all-around clothing and loves mooning because he hasn't better to do, Andy Bogard who is his gay fighting-obsessed koppoken fighting brother, and some known fighter who can vary from earlier love interests of Terry (Blue Mary), Andy (Mai Shiranui) or Joe Higashi (Tizoc).
- Korea Team (A.K.A. Justice team)
The justice is truly blind. Blind, perverted and wacko. Led by a psycho Taekwondo BruceLee wannabe fighter called Kim Kaphwan, is a group formed by Freddy Krueger's cousin, a giant bald guy with a giant ball of iron, a gay who uses only kicks and some bitch who thinks herself as a Kamen Rider. That's it, a Justice Freaked enforcer, Chibi-Krueger, Goliath with a iron ball, a gay cripple and a slut. They will purify the world in the name of Oscar Wilde. The world is seriously screwed.
- Psycho Soldier team
The infamous team of people who were disbanded from the army for being too insane, the Psycho Soldiers are known for being nutzoids who escaped from many asylums, hence their team name. The team is composed of Athena Asamiya, Sie Kensou, and a crazy old drunkard from the Vietnam War named Chin Gentsai. They were later joined by that annoying rapping kid, Lil' Bow Wow, but he soon left to start a career in music.
- New Faces Team
This team only made an appearance in '97 trying sell their records by awakening Orochi. This team is composed of a french whore named Shermie and two queeros named Yashiro (just look at his fucking choker) and Chris (look how he dresses). Becoming desperate to sell some albums, these three killed themselves wearing maroon clothes, darker skin, and Shermie having purple hair.
The Fighting spirit will never die! so the next decade , century , millennium of "The King of Fighters" will be joint by a lot of teams. Such as...
- Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni|Oyashiro-sama team
Come from peace and quiet village of Hinamizawa. This is new a girl group team. There is Rena who is likely to take all cute thing back home using her Mega-Cleaver, and in into dating furries. One that you cannot underestimate is green-haired Mafia girl Mion Sonozaki. And the one mysterious magical girl Furude Rika may look like kitten but she won't be easily huffed. The last one is emo girl who always cry for her brother. She may seem helpless but watch out !! for this team has great power that might even surpass Orochi. That power is from THE GREAT OYASHIRO!!!
“Uncyclopedia Honor team is the fighting team with 3 members and fight for honor of Uncyclopedia.”
Rules and Standards for Moves and Super Moves
To prevent power abuse for some and granting fiercer attacks for others, the DM-System was devised to ensure all the contestants the ability of performing super blows.
Those "specials" relies on guts or rage to supply power to be performed. All entries are trained to learn how to focus his own rage (and how to piss off himself without being taunted) to charge enough energy to do those moves.
However, that energy does not works wonders alone, so every fighter must come with prepared moves to use with that energy boost.
Up to 1996, fighters were able to only charge themselves in the simplest way possible, and when heavily hurt - or really pissed off - they could unleash those super moves indefinitely. Goenitz was known to start the battle already pissed off, so he could make desperation moves any time, anywhere. If someone was dumb enough to hit him enough ("making him going to red") he could make a Twister or Katrina in a wink.
In 1997 a team of Emo scientists started to devise and research a way to override that barrier, and ended by creating the ARMS (Advanced Rage Management System for unshort). Through a chip, bracket, or even through training, a fighter could store three times more energy than before. But at the cost of not being pissed off any more near death, and they couldn't charge by themselves - they had to bruise someone to get such energy.
Another problem of the ARMS was the need to "Crack It Up" the energy cells in order to use. Mostly fighters could achieve that by performing a weak punch, a strong punch and a weak kick on the void at the same time. Recently, only a strong kick and a weak punch are enough to do so.
Please note that this is not like the rage gauge system in Samurai Showdown; meaning that your character cannot lift his/her opponent in the air, split them in half and shower themselves in the opponent's blood at the end of the match.
|Abbreviation||Meaning||Alternative Meaning||What you are expect to see||What to do if you are a fighter doing it||Requirements (Normal Manly Mode)||Requirements (ARMS Weenie Mode)|
|M||Move||Move on, bastard!||The fighter will perform some action that probably will cause damage to the enemy if near enough||Move on, bastard!||None. Smile, breath and smoke.||You must to do so, everytime, anytime, if you want to keep alive and kicking, bitch.|
|DM||Desperation Move||Danger Move||Is a super move, where the fighter usually bruises the enemy or heals himself||Perform a special stunt, usually an charged attack||At least one full bar of guts/rage or being pissed off||One full bar - You may need to crack it up.|
|HDM||Hidden Desperation Move||Hidden Danger Move||Is a hidden super move, that no one expects to see||Do something different, bro! Be funny and not just stupid.||A full bar or piss-off may be required, but sometimes you get a freebie.||One full bar - crack it up and get high on crack. Good luck.|
|SDM||Super Desperation Move||Super Deadly Move||Is a super move, usually a improved version of one's DM. USUALLY, after one of this, the battle ends due to the enormous amount of damage done, or by the bruise from the enemy after a missed SDM.||Lay full pipe on them, guy! Go, Rocky! Your wife and children depend on it!||You MUST be with the full rage and be really pissed off, near death status.||Expect to make those while on ARMS, weenie? Fill all the three bars (if you ever have a chance to do so) and don't cock it up! Don't crack'em and maybe you have a chance. You will live for it?|
|HSDM||Hidden Super Desperation Move||Hidden Super Deadly Move||I have no idea, they all are hidden. If you spot one, take photos or tape that, it is a quite rare experience.||Show Time! Show what you prepared to the public, Bozo!||Full Rage bar, must be really pissed off, near death, and have steam shoot from every orifice in your face.||Still trying to outdo the marvelous man-method of rage attacking? If Jesus looks at you and smiles, you have a 2% chance to do so - if you live to tell. Additionally, three full bars are required.|
|LDM||Last Desperation Move||Leader Desperation Move||You are expected to see the last spark of power from your favorite hero. Watch well, and tape it, to watch it fondly (unless he's using ARMS)||None to day who made this had idea of what the hell they were doing. So don't ask me.||All things said before are required. Throw away the rules booklet, during this last breath you are eligible to break any KOF rule aforementioned. And you will be kicked in the nuts by Cartman if you fail to hit.||You already failed to Life. You can't do so. Find a corner and cry.|
|HLDM||Hidden Last Desperation Move||Half Life : Death Match (wheres the 2?)||I have no idea. Do you?||Guess what... surprise!||You have to be a real showman to do those.||You can't do those, forgot? But let me tell you a short story... legend says that if someone performs a really astounding, unforgettable, above the perfect and all those nice things, that person is guaranteed to get laid before he/she dies. Sounds neat, huh? Then switch to the manly mode or help to make a decent energy system like that hacked one in 1999!|
Facts about The First King Of Fighters Tournament
- Took place at Beginning of Time.
- It was created by God to see who will become the ruler of the universe (in other words, the early version of the Gundam fight).
- God won. Jimi Hendrix was runner-up.
- It took place in various arenas in different places throughout the universe, ranging from de_dust to behind a movie theatre screen.
- It was broadcast on HBO live all across the universe.
- One ticket cost about one kajillion pesos.
- If either Momoko or Athena won, one of them would become the ruler of the universe and have balls.