The Librarian

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~ the librarian on the meaning of life.


~ the librarian on how to solve Global Warming.


~ the librarian on the exact value of pie.


~ the librarian on how to make love last.



~ the librarian on Pretty much everything.

“damn, that's one smart monkey”

~ George Bush on the Librarian.

The Librarian, (b. Sometime during Time) is an Orangutan who created himself while inside a Library and is coupled in kickass-ness to that of Chuck Norris, Mr. T, the avid reader and Writer God and Oscar Wilde (Who isn't really Kickass, but needs to be mentioned at the Top of every page unless he becomes a Zombie) He IS NOT a monkey. Hobbies include, Reading, eating bananas, beating people an inch of thier life, and eating bananas. He is also a Time Travelling Master, who makes Dr Who look like a Kid with a Stop Watch.


A hobo once wondered into a library somtime in the past, and its horrific odor drifted into a small pocket of L-Space. From this, the Orangutan suddenly evolved. The hobo said, "Whats a Monkey doing in a library?" And no one ever found his head again.

For the first five hundred years or so, he hung around the library, occasionally flinging poo at people who tried to check out books. He also struck up a friendship with Conan the Libarian, and taught him everything he knows about... Everything. Specially the bit about Violence.

He worked for sometime in the Library of Babel, although lost interest after the Seventh person through themselves down the stairs. Other noticeble places he has worked are:

  • The Library of Alexander (Where he fought off as many as the Falming Homo's as possible)
  • The library of Unseen University. (Witch was there sometimes, sometimes not so much.)
  • The Soviet Union Library of Soviet Union Reversed Sayings
  • The George Dubya Bush Memorial Library of General Ignorance for Dummies
  • All other libraries at some point or another, including those really dirty ones with the Strip Poker in the back room.

It is generally thought by all other Librarians that The Librarian is generally underated.


The Librarian is extremely good at climbing and has infact scaled some of the highest shelves known not to man, but seven eyed ugly monster beings from the Dungeon Dimension, otherwise known as Micheal Jackson (Otherwise known as Freddy Crougar.) He has beaten Hoddies to an inch of thier own life with their own arms, can swing from Chandeliars using only his feet and completely remembers the entire Dewy Decimal System. Infact, he has broadened the Dewy Decimal System to fit Alien Libraries. Most notably, any Library he currently works in is Vastha Narda free.

The Librarian is interested in nothing more then reading, or putting back the book he has just read into its rightful place. He also enjoys listening to the screams of people who call him a monkey. His fighting style if often compared to Bruce Lee, in the fact that he can kill someone with his bare hands in moments. He also has an Interest in the Arts, often found in the front row of every Play ever made.

Never, Ever, while infront of the Librarian, call him a monkey. He has been known to go on a rampage in a Kindgarten and beat Toddlers to death using each other because one of the snotty nosed brats pointed at him and said "Look, a Monkey."

While retaining the knowledge of the entire Universe, the Librarian has only a Three word vocabulary. The words he does know are "Ook.", "Eek." and "AAAHAAAHAH! AAAAH!"

He also loves Bananas.


“I wish I had strong, hairy, orange muscular arms.”

~ Oscar Wilde on being molested by the Librarian


~ Recently Deceased on being murdered by the Librarian for calling him a Monkey.

“See! I bloody Told you! I bloody well told you! Evolution! But NOOOO, you bunch of Fucktards spouted all that God crap.”

~ Charles Darwin on how the libriarin was created.

“What? An Ape runs the bloody Library? You're alright? Sure you don't need a bit of lay of down? I don't think a Monkey could-*CRACK.* ... Did anyone get the number of that Cart?”

~ General Person of the Public on the fact the Librarians an Ape.

In September of '42, the Librarian did breifly become unemplyoed during a fumagation of one of the libraries he was working in (Cutting him off from L-Space for a while) this forced him to take up being a subject of Animal testing. For three whole months he was forced to put on womens make up, make himself look like a whore and then let a bunch of Pervy control groups take a nice, looong look at him. The Librarian has always maintained that the deaths of all person's at the clinic was of natural causes.

Don't get more natural then a Two hundred Pound Ape, who has impecibly good reach.


Although thoughts of retirement, or atleast other peoples thoughts of retirement keep popping up, the Librarian has infact gone into training other Librarians. Often, he is seen nuckling between shelves being trailed by such Students as Darth Vader, Darth Hitler, Cyborg Jesus, Jay and Silent bob, and Charley "Cocaine" Chaplin.

He has opened his own libary, on the moon, where he steals rare and priceless copies of other books and hides them there, safe from man kind. It is thought of as Dracula's Moon Base Twin Moon Base. Terry Pratchett has been known to right whole novels containing many appearences of the Librarian, who appears in a Fictional library. If you have any understand of L-Space at all, you know that he can exist in fiction and at the same time be clubbing someone to death with his or hers own limbs.

It is unkown whether or not he ever plans on teaching his powerful Time Control to anyone else, but its thought that if he does then he already has, because the person in the future could then go back and time and exist already so that... Fuck it.


There have been talks about a Certain Orange haired person retiring to a little Banana plantation but no of these rumors have been confirmed or denied, so no one can understand whether "Ook." means yes, or "Ook." means no. Of course, now owning his own moon base, many suspect that at any moment he's going to hold the entire world hostage for its many plentiful Peanut's and Banana Trees. It is unclair with what he can threaten the earth WITH. He's only a Monk-

See Also[edit]

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